my mum ruined my brain chemistry?

[Brainchemistry]

Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone has any advice etc

my mum tried her best but wasn’t always the best mum. I’m not annoyed at her anymore because what’s the point, it won’t change anything. But the only thing that still annoys me is the fact she’s made me such a perfectionist

its a really long boring story but the background of it is that I lived with my mum- she hated my dad because he was violent to us and thankfully we got away from him but only because he had another family on the side and eventually left us for them. Instead of moving on my mum was obsessed with proving our family was better than his so she was determined that I had to prove why we were better. She said I could do that by being successful because then they would find out and they would think she was being a good mum whereas if I was stupid and unsuccessful then they would think she was a terrible mum and they might even call social services and have me taken away from her if she was such an awful mum. Sounds ridiculous I know but when I was 8 it was terrifying. So I had to get straight As in everything, be the best at sports, music, everything I could to be the best. We live in a smallish rural town so my dad and his new family would find out via circles and local newspapers. I didn’t even care about doing well but I was terrified of doing badly in case they would think my mum was being a bad mum or in case they got me taken away from her so I became obsessive about always being perfect. So at school I would sob if I got 19/20 in a spelling test or if I was 2nd in a sprinting race. Everyone thought I was being over dramatic but my mum would tell me she was so disappointed in me and that I had let her down and she was obviously a bad mum and she made multiple threats to kill herself if I didn’t do well. I remember being terrified before a science test in lower high school because I HAD to do well or I was terrified my mum would slash her wrists. It was all just empty threats though and she was never suicidal but she just said it to frighten me into doing well and it worked. I had to be perfect at everything- even looks- but unfortunately I’m far from that so my mum used to tell me how stupid and ugly I am and how I need to get x y z fixed when I grow up because I look like an ugly monster and no guy will ever love me like that.

once I got to my early to mid teens I realised my mum was toxic and spent more time with other family who I eventually moved in with. I’m an adult now and I understand my mum was being toxic but it’s like she changed my brain chemistry. I can’t ever accept the way I am. I feel ugly every single day and I feel like a fat monster even though my bmi is 19 so I know I’m technically not. But the worst side of perfectionism is with studying and work. My own inner voice has become my mums voice and if I make the slightest mistake my mind tells me how awful I am and how much of a disappointment I am and that I’m a terrible person. It’s absolutely exhausting but I don’t know how to stop it. It’s hindering me at work now because if I make a tiny mistake I can’t stop thinking about how much I hate myself and how I’m an embarrassment. Everyone says not to be so hard on myself but I honestly don’t know how not to be, this is just how I was made

by the time I sat my high school exams I was living with other family and wasn’t under pressure from my mum (other than a rare phone call) but by then I had learned to put the pressure on myself. I got straight As and everyone thought I was dramatic when I cried about getting 99 not 100 but for me 99= failure. I remember at 15 years old deciding that if I didn’t get straight As I would be as well just to kill myself and I kept that thought in the back of my mind to motivate me to work hard. I did get As but if I hadn’t I honestly think I’d have been devastated enough to do it. I am NOT suicidal now but I’m just using that as an example of how bad it used to be. It’s not like that now thankfully but I still struggle with feeling like a failure when I’m not perfect

does anyone have any advice? I’ve had CBT and paid privately for therapy but I’m still such a perfectionist and i honestly feel like my mum has changed my brain chemistry

is there any hope I can stop being a perfectionist?

I am feeling sad for you. Write it all down on a piece of paper and burn it. That was your past. Think of life as if you were talking to a friend - would your advice to your friend be that they put this much pressure on yourself? Life is about failing as much as it is about succeeding as we learn from our mistakes. Some of the best inventions (such as brownies!) have been born from human error creating a mistake but discovering something better.
You sound like a nice person and deserve to be happy - you need to give yourself permission to not be perfect anymore - I tell my daughter who has perfectionist tendencies that she is perfectly imperfect - we all are.

Can you tell your mum to shut up in your head every time you have a reaction? Sounds silly but it helps me. Literally say it to yourself - oh shut up, mum.

I find CBT immensely helpful with this sort of thing, because it makes you stop what you are thinking right now, question its validity and where it comes from, and replace any neurotic or judgemental thinking with a thought that is self-compassionate and balanced. It's not in-depth but we live in the moment and it always helps in the moment.

I strongly recommend you look up some online self-help CBT material, especially on perfectionism and self-compassion. Work through any exercises you can find, while looking out for a really trustworthy therapist who does CBT along with other therapeutic forms, as you might want and need some more in-depth stuff too.

It might also be worth doing some affirmations. I know she is deeply controversial for her more outlandish beliefs, but Louise Hay's basic affirmations on self care and self-acceptance are very helpful and grounding. If you don't like her, Jason Stevenson is good. You do have to do them every day for at least a month for them to start to work though, so it takes some discipline. It's like going on a diet. It's not instant and it's easy to be deeply resistant to the affirmations that are most valuable to your state of mind.

CBT is helpful to a point but it is hard to apply it all the time it gets really exhausting challenging every thought. What I found really helpful is an app called ThinkUp you can record your own positive affirmations and listen to them on a loop it really helps me quieten the negative inner voice. I think it cost me £40 for a year's subscription but it's made a massive difference to my confidence and mental health xx

Agreed re positive affirmations I remember coming across Louise L Hay in my twenties and it was like a lightbulb moment that you can choose your own thoughts ! I still practice some of her affirmations to this day

Thanks so much for all the tips and suggestions I’m going to look into them all and try something to help x

The brain is neuroplastic. It can recover and heal. You need to resolve your trauma.

I do Traumatic Incident Reduction. Find a practitioner at www.tira.org.

I think this is a very insensitive post.

This poster has already done a lot to try to change this, but the therapy she has tried so far has not worked for her, which is why she has came to the conclusion that she has, that her brain chemistry has changed, which is also true.

Even so, she's on here looking for more advice, she's clearly trying to be proactive so that her brain and thoughts are healthier.

Hug OP, that sounds tough.

You CAN rewire your brain though - it's called brain plasticity, and you can do it at any age, it's just very very hard work.

You have to catch yourself everytime you hear a negative thought and then deliberately say something else (nicer). Again and again and again. Everyday until the nicer thought becomes second nature.

CBT uses some exercises to do this, but one thing I made up that worked for me is writing out a text in my phone, as if I'm telling a friend what I'm worried about. Eg

"OMG I messed up at work today, I'm so worried everyone thinks I'm an idiot/hates me/I'm going to be fired."

Then I pretend I've just got that text from a friend - and I write out the most comforting, loveliest response that I would send to a dear friend if they were similarly worried.

"Don't be ridiculous! You're amazing - you got straight As, you always succeed, you put too much pressure on yourself. This means nothing - everyone loves you."

For some reason this really works for me in terms of rewiring my brain. After some practice the "nice" response is the one that comes naturally to me, and I feel myself relax.

You could also try video recordings/voice notes to yourself instead of texts. I found listening to a kind voice worked even better

Try this game @Brainchemistry I invented for myself to counter all the perfectionist tendencies in my family of origin that drive me crazy. I'm an artist and have to try very hard not to keep going back and reworking a project. It used to paralyze me. I have improved immensely ( but not perfectly!)

Try doing a puzzle or a task but not finishing it . Leaving it unfinished or slightly bungled on purpose. Really hard and painful? Yes, but laugh at yourself and accept it is ok and the sky will not fall down.

Keep trying different activities, simple ones at first, like not finishing cleaning and accepting it that way. Practical activities really help to battle the mindset. Good luck and try to have fun with it.

Did you ever watch cartoon as a child? The ones with a mini version of the character with little Devil horns or wings and a Halo to represent the inner voice telling them to do something good or bad?

Could you visualise a tiny version of your mother sitting on your shoulder when you hear that voice saying mean things? You can then turn your head towards your shoulder, look at this imaginary tiny mother and then ping her off your shoulder with a 'Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'.

Then, each time you hear her voice in your head, you visualise doing the same - as you do it, you end up just having to flick your fingers to separate yourself from those stupid, nasty, untrue comments. And it's quite amusing to imagine actually pinging her off into mud, a bucket, a cat's litter tray... So it takes away the power of her words by making her a ridiculous cartoon character.

I highly recommend overcoming low self esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell. I know you said you’ve had cbt but using this book to do self study was life changing for me

I don’t know about ruined but I really sympathise with your post. I’m so sure if I ever had a brain scan it would show it was abnormal.

My experiences have led me to conclude that cognitive behavioural therapy is somewhat effective for normals dealing with a trauma but is actually unhelpful for long-term traumatised people because it pushes the idea that we could also be normals if we could just think about our problems in the “right” way, when the reality is significantly different brain structure/chemistry/function

A nice mum with a few incidents you could’ve done without ≠ never being good enough, always feeling wrong, never feeling safe.

Normals are free to pile in and say I’m not thinking the right way about this of course

I think psychotherapy

Also try the 'book you wish your parents had read'

I’ve tried different therapists + types of therapy but somehow my brain just seems to work this way and won’t seem to change ☹️ like when you get hurt and automatically cry, or when you sneeze and automatically close your eyes, this feels as automatic as that if that makes sense even though I know she has no bearing on my life as an adult x

Thats the best nature of automatic thoughts, you need to learn how to slow down that process so you can hear and then challenge those thoughts. @WanderinStar is right, steer clear of quick fixes, find a therapist who works relationally rather than a manualised therapist. Damage done in relationships need safe, stable, predictable relationships to heal.

The brain is constantly growing and developing, it’s entirely possible to heal and recover, getting the right help will help.