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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take baby to funeral?

49 replies

Funeralquestion · 09/09/2023 21:00

It is the funeral next week for my friend’s relative, so I’d mainly be there to support my friend, but I did know the deceased and would like to attend to pay my respects. However, I have a young baby and I’m stuck with no childcare. DH is not able to have the day off (has already asked, but it’s a hard no). All family or friends who I would trust to have baby will be at the funeral. WIBU to attend with baby? I wouldn’t question it if the deceased was one of my relatives or close friends, but it seems different in these circumstances. I don’t want to be disrespectful. I was thinking I could feed baby beforehand, hope he sleeps, and sit near the back so I could quickly take him outside if he cries. I welcome opinions and advice here please. My friend is not expecting me to attend, but I know they would like me to be there.

OP posts:
Turnthelightoff · 09/09/2023 21:01

I think so, but also make a plan B to go along after if they are having some sort of wake

UnsolicitedOpinions · 09/09/2023 21:04

I would say a definite no. It would be lovely for you to be there to support your friend and pay your respects. However I think it could be very upsetting/annoying for the people actually close to the deceased if the funeral is interrupted by a noisy baby brought by someone who wasn’t even close to the deceased so had no actual need to be there meaning they had to bring said baby.

I would actually say to your friend that you would have wanted to come but cannot due to no childcare, but offer your support in other ways and at other times.

WillowCraft · 09/09/2023 21:05

For a close friend or relative I would have no qualms about taking a baby. For someone where you're not in the immediate close group of mourners I'd probably think carefully. Would the close family of the deceased be ok with a baby being there? Is it possible to ask them? Avoid causing any disruption in any case

DappledThings · 09/09/2023 21:06

It's fine. As long as you're prepared to take him out if he cries it's really very normal.

Last funeral I went to was a family friend so was there for my mum really. The deceased's daught-in-law's sister was there with her baby. Nobody thought anything of it other than how nice it was that someone not that close a part of the family wanted to come and support.

Bucksmamma · 09/09/2023 21:06

I went to my best friends' fathers funeral with my 4wo. I made sure to ask her ahead of time if it was ok and only stayed for the service. I had him in a sling and sat upstairs and at the back in case he started crying I could make a quick exit

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 09/09/2023 21:06

I always remember feeling like that at my grandas funeral and almost not going until nana said to me 'a baby is gods way of saying life goes on'.

It's not that much different to attending any gathering. Like you say if baby gets restless you can slip out. I'd go and pay your respects and show support for your friend.

Freepo · 09/09/2023 21:08

I think this very much depends on how bothered the immediate family will feel if the baby does cry (I know you’d go straight out but it’s obviously a disturbance). Could you ask your friend what she thinks?

heyitsthistle · 09/09/2023 21:09

I wouldn't mind a baby being at a funeral, but if he makes a lot of noise then be prepared to go outside.

I think it's nice to have a baby. The start of someone's life at the end of another's.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2023 21:09

Could you ask your friend what she would prefer? She may say absolutely, come and just take baby out if needed, or she may feel that it's better to leave it. If there's a wake after the funeral, you could maybe go just to that part?

LivStanshall · 09/09/2023 21:09

If it were my family I’d be fine with you bringing the baby.

Montydin · 09/09/2023 21:12

If it were me I would check with my friend first, and if she was ok with it I would sit at the back so I could make a quick exit if needed. My niece was brought along to my grandparents funeral, she didn’t cry but it was quite a somber atmosphere and her babbling/laughing over the readings was a bit awkward at times (and this was a close family member, I imagine it would be worse for a friend of a friend).

VikingLady · 09/09/2023 21:16

Ask them. If it's a no, at least they'll know you wanted to support them and that you tried.

carpool · 09/09/2023 21:19

DD took DGS to BIL funeral when he was nearly 3. I admit I was a bit worried if he would sit still and quiet etc. but he was actually very good. Of course this is different to a small baby and was close family so not much choice. I think I agree with other posters that you should ask your friend what she would prefer you do.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 09/09/2023 21:25

What would the deceased wife/husband/partner want?
I personally wouldn't.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 09/09/2023 21:25

I took my then 6m old baby to my great aunts funeral. I just planned on getting up and nipping out if she got upset (sat near the back) but she was actually fine. It was nice having her there, cheered everyone up.

WaltzingWaters · 09/09/2023 21:26

I’d be fine with it provided you took them out if they made a fuss. But I would ask her what her opinion is.
”Hi friend. I’d love to be there for your relatives funeral, but unfortunately I’m not able to get any childcare for baby. Would you and your family be okay with me bringing him if I sit at the back and go outside if he cries? No problem if you’d prefer no kids there xx

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/09/2023 21:48

I don't think so, no.

It's completely different if the funeral is for your own family member but in trying to support your friend you may inadvertently upset some other members of her family.

Hufflepods · 09/09/2023 21:48

I really don’t understand people who would have an issue with this. As with any situation you obviously remove them if they start to cause a fuss but I don’t see the problem with a baby in general.

A relative travelled to my MIL’s funeral but the wife stayed in the car with their young kids, my FIL was mortified that they had come all the way but felt that they needed to keep the kids out of sight at the service.

UsingChangeofName · 09/09/2023 21:51

I think YWBU.

I've attended a lot of funerals over the decades, at different crems and different Churches, in different parts of the Country for people that I know in different ways. People just don't take babies.
You don't need to be there. Yes, it would be nice if you could, but you can't, in the same way some people won't be able to because of their work or because they are away. It is fine. Just let your friend know that you are unable to get childcare so won't be able to come.

indignatio · 09/09/2023 21:53

I would stay at the back, so you can go outside if there is any disruption. I took DD to a relative's funeral at 3m and the undertaker thanked me as it helped people see new life as well as the death to which they were there to pay respects

BumpheadParrotfish · 09/09/2023 21:55

I'm organising a funeral next week for my dear sister. If you were my friend, I'd be delighted to see both you and your baby at the service. All are welcome.

However, not everyone is the same, so maybe check and see what your friends would prefer.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 09/09/2023 21:55

I took my eldest when he was a baby to a funeral. Was with my now exH at the time and it was his uncle’s funeral whom we were both close to. We deliberately sat at the back with a plan to scoot out if baby started fussing. He didn’t so all was good.

We went to the wake after and DC got fussed by everyone including the aunt. Its a difficult decision to make but in my case worked out well. Can you ask your friend if she’s ok with it?

Findyourneutralspace · 09/09/2023 21:57

I took my 4 month old to my grandads funeral. It was a long way from home and involved staying over - he was EBF so leaving him wasn’t an option. I sat at the back and fed him during the service.
My family liked having him there for the reception.

saraclara · 09/09/2023 21:57

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/09/2023 21:48

I don't think so, no.

It's completely different if the funeral is for your own family member but in trying to support your friend you may inadvertently upset some other members of her family.

That. We took my two year old granddaughter to my MILs funeral. But my MIL adored small children and we knew that everyone there who loved my MIL would expect her DGGC to be present.
All the same, my son in law sat towards the back with DGD, ready to take her out if necessary.

But you don't know the family and your baby was not part of the deceased's life. So I wouldn't.

Sinead4ever · 09/09/2023 21:58

Yeah sit at the back and take them out if start fussing - we took my son when he was quite little and i did this - at the wake he added quite a lot of joy to the occasion