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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take baby to funeral?

49 replies

Funeralquestion · 09/09/2023 21:00

It is the funeral next week for my friend’s relative, so I’d mainly be there to support my friend, but I did know the deceased and would like to attend to pay my respects. However, I have a young baby and I’m stuck with no childcare. DH is not able to have the day off (has already asked, but it’s a hard no). All family or friends who I would trust to have baby will be at the funeral. WIBU to attend with baby? I wouldn’t question it if the deceased was one of my relatives or close friends, but it seems different in these circumstances. I don’t want to be disrespectful. I was thinking I could feed baby beforehand, hope he sleeps, and sit near the back so I could quickly take him outside if he cries. I welcome opinions and advice here please. My friend is not expecting me to attend, but I know they would like me to be there.

OP posts:

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/09/2023 22:04

I'd ask the friend their thoughts on it. Probably fine....

EarringsandLipstick · 09/09/2023 22:15

I'm amazed that anyone thinks this could be an issue - but I'm Irish & funerals are totally open to all here.
(Obviously same caveat as suggested by OP, sitting near back & removing if crying).

Annaishere · 09/09/2023 22:18

I took my baby to a funeral and he cried every time I took him into the church. I kept going out and he would stop crying. He must have sensed what was happening. I ended up having to leave and he was happy with that

Womblegreen · 09/09/2023 22:27

I think you need to ask your friend. It would also depend on how close your friend was to the deceased - if they are the spouse or child of them then their opinion counts for much more than if they are more removed.

My great aunt made it clear that there were to be no baby noises at her husband’s funeral. My cousin sat at the back and fed her baby through the service, a solution that worked. A few years later we were fairly sure of the family opinion for my great aunt’s funeral.

annahay · 09/09/2023 22:29

I took my baby to a funeral when she was 3 months. It was a small service with close family. She was related to all but 2 people there (as well as the deceased). I also took her to a wake 2 weeks later, but not the service because it was a friends brother and it felt inappropriate to risk her disturbing people during the service.

Scaraben · 09/09/2023 22:31

I took my then 4 month old to the funeral of a family friend I'd known since I was a baby. I checked with her son first and I sat right at the back with baby in a baby carrier. She slept to begin with and then woke up and gurgled during a hymn so I immediately stepped out and no one noticed. My dad then took her so I could pay my respects at the graveside after.
She came to the wake and was passed around many elderly people who said it was nice to see a baby. I think the key thing is checking with the family of the deceased and ensuring that they're comfortable with you being there. I was really clear that I wouldn't have been offended to be asked not to come.

WineIsMyMainVice · 09/09/2023 22:34

I’d absolutely go. Just sit on an end seat so that if baby starts crying etc you can easily get up and quickly get out.

Hawkins0009 · 09/09/2023 22:35

All the best op

Ladybyrd · 09/09/2023 22:35

I had to take my son to my grandmothers funeral at around 18 months old, but my partner held him outside during the service.

I know you want to br there for your friend, but I wouldn't, no. Not that I think your child will be scarred by it, but rather they might kick off and disrupt the service.

UnctuousUnicorns · 09/09/2023 22:39

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 09/09/2023 21:06

I always remember feeling like that at my grandas funeral and almost not going until nana said to me 'a baby is gods way of saying life goes on'.

It's not that much different to attending any gathering. Like you say if baby gets restless you can slip out. I'd go and pay your respects and show support for your friend.

Edited

Yes, this is my thinking too.

Triplixate · 09/09/2023 22:42

I was ready to say YANBU but, as you’re not close family, in this scenario I would ask your friend first. If they give you the go ahead then that’s fine. As someone else said upthread, a baby is a sign life goes on.

We took our baby to her great-grandmother’s funeral at six months old. She just brought joy to everyone, comfort to her family (her great-aunt chose to keep her on her lap for most of it!) and just generally had a quiet time. I planned to take her out if necessary but she just sat quietly. We tried to time her feeds so she went in on a full belly but failed - thankfully she didn’t need feeding until it was over.

Glonda · 09/09/2023 22:47

I think it totally depends on the preferences of the people who were closest to the deceased.

DutchessOfDukeStreet · 09/09/2023 22:49

I wouldn't personally.
I hung on to every word at my husband's funeral and l think l would have been peeved by a baby crying. Funerals are not a place for babies.

Rainbow1612 · 09/09/2023 22:55

It's fine. I took my baby to a funeral when he was 3 months. I sat at the back, easily able to quietly leave if needed but he was fine. I wore him in a carrier and he slept the whole time.
He was brilliant distraction at the wake.

saraclara · 09/09/2023 23:10

To be honest I think the friend has got enough going on in her life without someone asking her if it's okay to bring their baby to her mother's funeral. She's supposed to answer honestly? Who's going to say no, faced with that question unexpectedly, even if every bone in her body wants her to scream "WTF?"

Unless the deceased is close family, don't take the baby, and don't dump responsibility for the decision on the bereaved..

DisquietintheRanks · 09/09/2023 23:41

Do you know anything about the format if the funeral? My nephew played a classical guitar piece for my dad's funeral and we (the family) would have been super pissed off if that had been interrupted by noises from a random baby (including that of a random baby bring hustled outside). Actually we had several musical pieces as my dad was very fond of music and I wouldnt want to have had any of them interrupted. And I like babies as a rule.

MumDadBingoBlueyy · 09/09/2023 23:48

I took DD to my Nans funeral when she was a baby. She slept through the service, even being handed over so I could do a reading.

maybe talk to your friend and ask what she would prefer

SinnerBoy · 09/09/2023 23:49

We took our daughter to my sister's funeral, aged 10 months and then my nan, 14 months. We didn't have anyone to take her either time.

At my sister's, she grizzled, so my wife took her to the vestry. At my Nan's, she was as good as gold and three grand old ladies behind made a fuss of her; they were friends of my Nan. My wife took her when the service started.

I've been to several funerals where people have had babies, sometimes quiet, sometimes hustled outside.

I'd ask the family, all the same.

Original poster

Funeralquestion · 10/09/2023 05:01

Hmm the voting is currently 50/50. Lots of mixed opinions. Shows what a minefield funeral etiquette can be.
I asked on here rather than asking my friend because I think she’s got enough going on right now and I don’t want her to feel forced to say yes if that’s not how she feels. I’m going to try and find out if anyone else is taking their children, as that might help me make a decision.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 10/09/2023 06:07

No do not take your baby to a funeral. I have held the funeral of a close relative not that long ago and would have been very upset if the service had been interrupted by a baby crying and subsequent shuffling around of a parent exiting.

Oysterbabe · 10/09/2023 06:31

You need to ask your friend as views on this are very mixed.
By the time they've started crying and you've taken them out you've already disturbed everyone. Everyone always says they'll take them out if they cry but they never do straight away. The baby starts making grumpy noises and they try and shush and rock and settle them. When that doesn't work and the crying starts properly then they might take them out. It's not fair and completely distracting.
I would have been furious at my mum's funeral if a friend brought a small baby along. Some people wouldn't care.

Sapphire387 · 10/09/2023 06:42

I took my daughter, who was five months or so, to my grandma's funeral. She was passed around a lot of people and everyone said it was lovely she was there. It is a part of the circle of life, is it not?

I appreciate this is not a close relative but I still think it is ok, so long as you sit near the exit and pop outside at the first sign of trouble(!) or start feeding to keep them quiet. As a previous poster mentioned, don't wait for a full-on crying fit.

Spreadthehappiness · 10/09/2023 06:50

My first born was so chill I could have done this . My second born would have been a hard NO. Still, even with my first born , I would have sat at the back so I had an easy exit incase he acted up .

Clefable · 10/09/2023 07:11

I wouldn't when it's not an immediate relative And with an immediate relative I think bringing your young children stops you being as present in the moment. For my mum's funeral I considered taking my two young DC until my friend pointed out that part of me would be in 'mum' mode the whole time, thinking about their comfort and wellbeing instead of allowing myself to be fully there and grieve, and she was right. I'm glad I didn't take them. They were at the wake after though and that was a good decision.

Anyway that went a bit off-topic but I wouldn't bring the baby to the funeral of a friend's relative, no.

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