Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MY H is just miserable and I'm sick of it !!

34 replies

ranti · 09/09/2023 20:22

He's grumpy all the time. He's not particularly nice to me.

He comes home from work and I ask him how he is, how his day was - he literally never ask me how I am or how my day was. He's just grumpy.

I don't feel like he even likes me tbh. He's just not nice or kind to me.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 09/09/2023 20:23

I had one. He moved out last week and it's like the weight of the world has shifted from my shoulders.

cheesetoastybut · 09/09/2023 20:24

Following

DesertIslandHereICome · 09/09/2023 20:28

This is the best thing about living alone, not having to put up with someone else's bad moods.

towriteyoumustlive · 09/09/2023 20:30

Ohh I have one or those! He nearly always seems grumpy or is really negative.

I always ask how his day was but he never asks me.

He talks to me only about his work and how bad it is.

He hates everything I like and makes a point of walking out of the room when he doesn't like something (music playing, subtitles on TV, anything on TV he deems to be crap).

It's so tiring.

ranti · 09/09/2023 20:30

I get everyone is in a bad mood sometimes but to not even have the curtesy to be half decent towards someone, is just so low.

Today I kind of behaved a bit how he behaves with me and I could see him trying to catch my eye / engage with me a few times, but I just acted cold and ignored him so he knows how it feels and I think he now thinks I'm pissed off with him.

I'm just sad he seems to dislike me so much and respect me so little.

OP posts:
Hopinghonestly · 09/09/2023 20:30

Wow..your writing about me 😂 i dont know :( i ask mine directly and say is there actually anything about me you like?

I will get a lovely text message...but then in person he has a face like a slapped arse.

AmandaHoldensLips · 09/09/2023 20:31

Ask him straight up - "I've noticed you're grumpy all the time. Would you like us to divorce?" Then at least you'll know.

ranti · 09/09/2023 20:32

AmandaHoldensLips · 09/09/2023 20:31

Ask him straight up - "I've noticed you're grumpy all the time. Would you like us to divorce?" Then at least you'll know.

Unfortunately I know he won't divorce, ever. It's going to me who'll have to do it.

OP posts:
Mountainhowl · 09/09/2023 20:34

Mine was like this for a couple of years, it was depression, he got help for it and is back to his old self now (has been off medication for a year or so, but wouldn't hesitate to go back on if need be)

tescocreditcard · 09/09/2023 20:36

"'m just sad he seems to dislike me so much and respect me so little."

This was a real eye opener when it happened to me. One day, the penny just dropped that not only did he not love me, he didn't even like me. Was quite happy to stay married and make my life hell though. You're right, it is sad. I divorced him soon after.

Restinggoddess · 09/09/2023 20:38

Ask the question

What do you want from this relationship?

It's a great way to open up - even if he looks stumped. Give him some time and come back to the question

So if he says something like ' I want to be with you' you have a chance to reply ' I want to be with you but not when I am ignored ....'

I think Madonna said it all ' make him express how he feels...'
Never quoted Madge before but there you go

Walesagogo · 09/09/2023 20:40

ranti · 09/09/2023 20:30

I get everyone is in a bad mood sometimes but to not even have the curtesy to be half decent towards someone, is just so low.

Today I kind of behaved a bit how he behaves with me and I could see him trying to catch my eye / engage with me a few times, but I just acted cold and ignored him so he knows how it feels and I think he now thinks I'm pissed off with him.

I'm just sad he seems to dislike me so much and respect me so little.

You're concerned that he doesn't like you but do you like him?

Seashellies · 09/09/2023 20:44

My ex was like this, miserable and every happy occasion was ruined by some sort of misery. For some reason I assumed everyone was like this but they're not, honestly life's too short to deal with this constantly in your own home.

Walesagogo · 09/09/2023 20:46

ranti · 09/09/2023 20:32

Unfortunately I know he won't divorce, ever. It's going to me who'll have to do it.

I had to leave because he wouldn't. But he was depressed and unwilling to get help. I had to leave for my own sanity as he was taking me down with him. Sorted himself out later I hear.

jimmymcg · 09/09/2023 20:52

@ranti my H is like this - I could write your posts. I've had enough. But it is/ has been easier not to rock the boat. I am fed up to the the back teeth of it now, but still find myself trying to talk myself out of ending it.

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 09/09/2023 20:58

towriteyoumustlive · 09/09/2023 20:30

Ohh I have one or those! He nearly always seems grumpy or is really negative.

I always ask how his day was but he never asks me.

He talks to me only about his work and how bad it is.

He hates everything I like and makes a point of walking out of the room when he doesn't like something (music playing, subtitles on TV, anything on TV he deems to be crap).

It's so tiring.

Why are you still there?

LizardLizard · 09/09/2023 21:36

Genuine question, to the OP and others who’ve described similar situations - why are you still in a relationship? What’s it actually bringing to your life?

Wantafluffybathrobe · 09/09/2023 21:48

Following

caniaskfor · 09/09/2023 21:48

Mine is a bit like this. All he can talk about is how horrible his work is, everyone is out to get him, everything is going to hell, he is so stressed, you wouldn’t understand, etc. etc.

When I try to communicate to him that this is not particularly nice for me to listen to all the time, the response is, without fail: “do you KNOW how stressful work was today? I called x people and had y meetings and bla bla bla” I.e. completely misses the point and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’ve seriously been considering leaving him over the last few weeks, but want to see if I can help him with the stress and/or underlying mental health issues. I had a deeply unhealthy work environment before and needed a lot of time off to recover from depression and stress, and I was not pleasant to be around either. So now I am thinking of how I can bring this up in a delicate and constructive way, and see if I can help him before giving up . I’d like to think the cheerful and optimistic man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere.

sorry for using your post to offload but I hope you feel less alone if nothing else!

caniaskfor · 09/09/2023 21:56

@LizardLizard because when I met him, he was cheerful, optimistic, and glass-half-full. And he continued to be for a long time, longer than you can “fake” for a new partner. I know he has genuine work worries that have escalated in the last year (I work in the same industry so it’s not BS) and I genuinely think he might be having some kind of stress-related MH issues at the moment which are causing this behaviour. He is not the type to seek out therapy, medication, self-care etc. himself and there simply hasn’t been a good moment so far for me to suggest it. I know I need to create the moment but only just getting my head round everything myself.

that said, I have considered leaving as it’s just miserable. But he supported me through some hard times so I’d rather try and get to the bottom of it, especially as I’m finally in a space where I can do that. Could still turn out just to be a dick, but I love him and want to believe its not who he “really” is.

3dogsnorth · 09/09/2023 21:57

I could also have written this post. But things reached a turning point last night. Basically he says I have pushed him away physically (the menopause he says) but he was willing to wait. Now he thinks I'm out the other side of the menopause that normal service should resume. Apparently I have changed and am now cold. I've never been a touchy, feely person but that's what he needs. So he still wants me but as a different person , a sexual, touchy feely person. That's just not me and it'll feel so strange to behave that way. Like OP I always ask about how his day, golf, pub visit has been. He never asks me anything! But he says by asking him I am quizzing him. Can't win!

terfinthewild · 09/09/2023 22:08

Talk to him about it x

EscapeRoutePlanned · 09/09/2023 22:42

No OP, YANBU AT ALL!!!!

My dp is like this. I lived alone for years and loved it. We met and eventually he convinced me to move in with him. He was fun, romantic, sexy, but it didn't last long. Didn't take him long to become Verbally, emotionally, and sometimes mildly physically abusive. 10 years I've put up with this, 10 bloody years!!

He doesn't speak to me apart from the obligatory 'how was your day' when he arrives home, then he goes into a long litany of his day, causing my eyeballs to rotate through losing the will to live.
Won't start a discussion unless its about his work, won't suggest a day out now that I can no longer take part in his beloved hobby which gave us days out. Just sits and stares at his pc, and if I speak to him he ignores me, or gives me a 1-2 word answer without taking his eyes off the bloody screen.
We've no dependants, no social life as he won't go out (last meal out was 2 years ago for my birthday). 'Nuffs enough!!

I feel like you OP, unliked and unloved, even though he occasionally grabs and gropes me for a hug or kiss, which I refuse.

However, I've recently received notice of an inheritance from a distant relative, which should be sorted in the next 3 months. I've just spotted a 2 bedroom house tonight for less than £500.00 pm, so I'm on it, first thing monday.
To all those asking the OP why she is still with him, just consider her finances, commitments, and strength to make THAT decision. If it hadn't been for this godsend of some money I'd be stuck with him forever, though that didn't stop me from fantasising ways to escape.

All the best OP, you have my absolute support. Flowers

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 22:49

Have you tried talking to him about it?

Honestly, if you’ve tried and he’s not trying back then move out.

Life’s too short to be living like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2023 22:49

Have you actually told him how fed up you are with his shit attitude?