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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick up exh and ds?

47 replies

pinotnow · 09/09/2023 16:30

Ex has taken ds to London to a gig and they are back this evening - gig was last night. Ds has just messaged me asking me to pick them both up from the tram. It's only a 10 minute each way drive but I really don't want to because:

  1. Ex pays nothing for the dc - doesn't earn enough. He isn't even a Disney dad usually - this is one of the only times he has put his hand in his pocket for either of them, so why can't he get the bus (easy) or pay for a fucking uber if he thinks it's too hot.
  2. I'm not his fucking taxi service.
  3. It means I can't have a glass of wine, which may well not matter but will royally piss me off if the train is delayed.
  4. I don't want the awkward, admittedly short, journey with him.
  5. I do all the driving between the houses (it is a 5 min drive) because he can't drive for medical reasons. Ok, not his fault, but it means everything is down to me and with a stressful job sometimes it's a massive pita to be driving between the houses because something has been forgotten and he won't pay for any duplicates of anything for his house.
  6. I just don't want to.
  7. Pisses me off he's asked ds to ask me.

But it's hot and ds will obviously benefit if I do. Urgh - why can't he sort out his own transport if he wanted to do this trip?

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 09/09/2023 16:31

Sorry dear, just had a huge glass of wine. Dad can get a taxi

VickyEadieofThigh · 09/09/2023 16:33

isthewashingdryyet · 09/09/2023 16:31

Sorry dear, just had a huge glass of wine. Dad can get a taxi

Exactly.

jeaux90 · 09/09/2023 16:34

isthewashingdryyet · 09/09/2023 16:31

Sorry dear, just had a huge glass of wine. Dad can get a taxi

This

DelphiniumBlue · 09/09/2023 16:34

I wouldn't even mention the taxi, just " Sorry , no can do, just had a huge glass of wine".

Ilovelurchers · 09/09/2023 16:38

I absolutely see why you are frustrated with this fella - he sounds a bit useless and annoying!

I do generally think it benefits the kids when separated parents get on as well as they can - it's good role modelling, shows the kids you are putting them first etc etc. So if you can do it without too much inconvenience to yourself, maybe I would just grin and bear it.....

How late is it going to be, and what time were you hoping to start drinking? If it is seriously messing your evening around, don't do it, but if it is only delaying your plans by 20 mins, say, I would probably do it? Maybe warn DS that if the tram is delayed, you have plans and won't be able to do it so his dad will need to get an Uber in that case?

I know this may be an unpopular view on here, where it's generally frowned upon to put yourself out for other people. And perhaps I am a bit of a doormat.

But small acts of kindness can go a long way too .....

StarBloo · 09/09/2023 16:38

I think number 3 and number 6 are your real reasons. But if you don't want to don't, simples.

Ladyj84 · 09/09/2023 16:39

I would pick my child up but no way the ex

DelphiniumBlue · 09/09/2023 16:40

Also, I'd be thinking twice about the driving between houses. If DS forgets something, then he manages without it. You can help him pack his overnight bag, but what can he really need for a weekend/overnight if it's unimportant enough to be forgotten? You say it's only a short drive, so presumably Ex and DS could walk/cycle/bus if it's vital. As you say, you are not Ex's taxi service, nor DS's - as my DS is fond of saying, " your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency for me".
I'm assuming as DS is old enough to go to a gig, that he is old enough to start managing himself.

Original poster
pinotnow · 09/09/2023 16:42

Thanks all - he has asked just now but the train is not due in until 6.30, which means I can't reply that I've had a glass of wine as I would probably be ok by then if I stopped now? And I don't want ex think I'm drinking in the afternoon when I'm not - not that there's anything wrong with it now and again, but he's a dick.

@StarBloo you can think what you want, but 6 is my reason and all the others are the reason why I don't want to, pretty much equally.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 16:42

Just say sorry you can't. No need to make excuses. If the child replies back asking why just say it's a lovely evening for a walk, see you when you get home xx

CornishGem1975 · 09/09/2023 16:44

Jeez. No I wouldn't do it either. Get a frigging Uber and be done with it.

FionnulaTheCooler · 09/09/2023 16:45

How old is DS? If its that short a journey can't he just walk?

Original poster
pinotnow · 09/09/2023 16:47

@DelphiniumBlue Thank you - I do agree to an extent but tbh I have always taken the view that it's not the dc's fault they have to live between two houses so I do try and make it easier. However, I do expect them to take responsibility and they are pretty good, to be fair. Sometimes it's just logistics - something is happening on a night they are at his and the equipment needed is way too big to take to school - and walking back to mine first would make them late. Things like that. But also, any party that takes place on a weekend they are at his - I still have to do the driving. No one's fault but it can be a pain and I can do without avoidable shit like this being added into the mix.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 09/09/2023 16:50

Give yourself a break.

Won't hurt either of them to have a walk.

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2023 16:51

Say to DS: I wasn’t expecting to pick you up - I thought you and your dad would get the bus or a taxi today.

Macaroni46 · 09/09/2023 16:52

My DM was like this. My DDad couldn't drive so sometimes I'd end up taking multiple buses or walking miles to get home from days out with him. She used to say it's his fault, he should learn to drive. But that didn't help me. Just made me feel unwanted and uncared for. So personally, I'd go and get your DS. He'll be grow up soon enough and then you can drink wine in peace.

AuntMarch · 09/09/2023 16:52

Would you have been picking him up from dads today anyway? and does dad live on the way home or would you be making an extra detour?

SunRainStorm · 09/09/2023 16:55

Just say you can't, don't give a reason.

Cheeky prick. (Ex, not DS)

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 09/09/2023 16:55

Personally I’d go. They’ve asked early enough. If there was a genuine reason for not going such as dinner planes but as it’s early enough you can get back and still have a drink/dinner and not too far out of the way, I would for reasons as stated by an op. Just to show ds that you are not petty and that you see doing it for them.
you can message xh later to say that you shouldn’t have been put in that position.

is there also a chance that ds has messaged you without dad knowing. Ie dad said oh it’s a ten minute walk from the station and ds has thought oh mum will pick us up.

travelallthetime · 09/09/2023 16:55

just say yes, I will pick you up but your dad can walk, im not his taxi service!

TeeBee · 09/09/2023 16:58

'Sorry, car is playing up today' (and every day the twat tries to get a lift from you).

romdowa · 09/09/2023 16:59

Just say you won't be around at that time

TeeBee · 09/09/2023 16:59

travelallthetime · 09/09/2023 16:55

just say yes, I will pick you up but your dad can walk, im not his taxi service!

That will just make the OP look the bad guy in front of her child.

Original poster
pinotnow · 09/09/2023 16:59

Well I'm sorry to hear about how your DM was, @Macaroni46 , but she wasn't like this as my ds has never taken multiple buses or walked miles as a result of me not giving lifts. As I have said, I do all the driving and am considering refusing this one time. I'm pretty sure my ds doesn't feel uncared for. Projecting your own experiences and resultant trauma isn't very helpful really.

I suppose I would have been collecting him this weekend but on Sunday (should be teatime but usually lunchtime, which is another thread) and this does constitute a lot more driving than that would have, AND my other ds is here as he wouldn't have wanted to go to the gig, so I am out of pocket as I have had to feed him this weekend. Despite what that probably sounds like, I don't begrudge that and love having them with me, but it pisses me off subsidising ex all the time. He paid £££ (presumably on credit) for the tickets, but doesn't actually support his kids week to week.

OP posts:
SpringViolet · 09/09/2023 17:09

if it’s a 10 minute drive, I assume it’s a much longer walk?

If it wasn’t boiling hot like it is today, I would’ve said No in your position but as it is, I’d pick them up just for DSs sake. I’d like to say I’d just pick DS up and make his Dad walk if he’s too tight to pay for a taxi, but again that would probably upset DS so I’d have to suck it up.

You’re the bigger and better person OP. Just remember that!

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