To not pick up exh and ds?

[pinotnow]

Ex has taken ds to London to a gig and they are back this evening - gig was last night. Ds has just messaged me asking me to pick them both up from the tram. It's only a 10 minute each way drive but I really don't want to because:

1. Ex pays nothing for the dc - doesn't earn enough. He isn't even a Disney dad usually - this is one of the only times he has put his hand in his pocket for either of them, so why can't he get the bus (easy) or pay for a fucking uber if he thinks it's too hot.
2. I'm not his fucking taxi service.
3. It means I can't have a glass of wine, which may well not matter but will royally piss me off if the train is delayed.
4. I don't want the awkward, admittedly short, journey with him.
5. I do all the driving between the houses (it is a 5 min drive) because he can't drive for medical reasons. Ok, not his fault, but it means everything is down to me and with a stressful job sometimes it's a massive pita to be driving between the houses because something has been forgotten and he won't pay for any duplicates of anything for his house.
6. I just don't want to.
7. Pisses me off he's asked ds to ask me.

But it's hot and ds will obviously benefit if I do. Urgh - why can't he sort out his own transport if he wanted to do this trip?

This. I'd be tempted to pick up DS and tell ex, "sorry, we're going for ice cream so can't give a lift home".

This ! Totally fine to pick up DS but not your responsibility to get the ex home ! I’d rather stick hot pokers in my eye than sit In a car with my ex.

It is a much longer walk than 10 mins, yes. but there are buses about a 5 min walk from the tram. They are around every 15 mins and they stop at the bottom of our road, so good for ds. For ex, his nearest stop is more like a 20 min walk, but that's not really my problem, is it?

Anyway, I have said no as ds then messaged and said his phone was dying. That would have meant he wouldn't have been able to let me know of any delays so I could have ended up waiting at the tram stop for ages. I didn't feel comfortable having to rely on ex messaging me and don't want to normalise this lift giving (it has happened before.

I feel a bit bad but it's done. When they get back I'm going to email ex and tell him not to put me and the dc in this position again.

The tram stops in South London are very well served by buses. And after paying for the tram, there's no additional cost for the bus (DS would travel free in any case, it's only the ex who might have to pay, but as he can't drive for medical reasons, he's also entitled to a Disabled Person's Freedom Pass, which would also give him free tram and bus travel in London).

It's cooler at 6.30pm. A ten minute drive in South London is 20 by bus during the week, about 15 at the weekend.

It’s 20 minutes of your life. While this man shouldn’t get bonus points for being a parent, if it encourages him to spend more time with your DS then it’s worth it. The sacrifice of one glass of wine won’t kill you.

Maybe what you could take from it is that your child could have all sorts of feelings about the relationship between you and his dad that you don’t know about, and being petty could be having an effect he can’t articulate til years later. I know how annoying these things are because my ds’s ex doesn’t drive, lives far away, when he visits I pick him up, ferry them around, sort stuff out and organise it, not because I’m a doormat or a walkover but because no matter what I do he is always going to be their dad, I might have chosen to have kids with an idiot but that’s not their fault!

Never mind the train station. If it's only 5 minutes drive between houses, why on earth doesn't the useless bugger have a bicycle? Depending on DS' age, even with a child seat.

It's not worth it so he spends more time with ds - he has two dc and this benefits one of them and the other has been a bit hurt by it. It's all been a bit of a shit show, and the lift request is really the least of it.

I have no doubt that both dc are likely to have all sorts of feelings about me and their df and our split, but I'm not sure me taxiing ex around is going to prevent that. They may well grow up and say they had to endure awkward car journeys with us and wish I had just said no - who knows? I think most people grow up and reflect on their childhoods and things their parents did and didn't do and are sometimes left hurt or resentful as a result to varying degrees. I also don't think that is confined to divorced parents - I have a lot of complicated feelings about my own parents and my childhood, and they are still married. As I've said, I do an enormous amount of driving around and will continue to do that for my dc, but I really don't want it to include giving ex a life, unless it's a dire emergency.

Glad you said no, don't feel guilty!

Those of you saying you would pick the son up but just refuse to have his dad in the car and make him walk/take public transport, really, would you? And you don't think this would be upsetting to your child?

Sometimes when I read stuff like that I just feel so grateful for the co-parenting relationship I have - my dd's dad was a shit husband but he would NEVER go out of his way to make me suffer (even in small ways) now just out of spite - nor would I him. We made a child together - DD loves us both - therefore we are pretty much duty bound to treat each other with at least basic kindness and respect from now on.

To be fair, I wouldn't make anyone I knew even vaguely walk in this heat if I was driving their way - even if I didn't share a child with them.....

OP, fair enough, you didn't want to go so you didn't. I wouldn't make a massively deal out of it now by emailing your ex to underline your refusal - why bother? Your son asked, you refused. End of.

If my child asked I would do it.

He gave you loads of notice and you can have a glass of wine when you get back at 7.

And did you just complain about feeding one of your kids for the weekend?!

And did you just complain about feeding one of your kids for the weekend?!

So easy for people to say shit like this when they are not the one being solely financially responsible for two children while the man who fathered them pays absolutely nothing. Got any words about his action? Or you just want to take one sentence I said, which I qualified by saying it is absolutely not about begrudging feeding the child, it's about resenting the ways in which ex constantly gets out of being financially responsible for his children, and use that to beat me with? But yes, it's me - I'm the problem. I moan about feeding my kids and now I'm moaning about being a taxi service as well.

Let them walk.

So child's battery is failing? Really! (I would be checking that discretely if you can). Perhaps a Xmas stocking filler is a phone charging bank! Lidl/Aldi do them - not expensive.

But I do agree with others - enough - ex needs to manage. If he cant drive he must understand the local transport options. I do feel sorry for your other child - not sure I have quite understood the ages. But I wouldn't be a mug. He doesnt pay, he doesnt get any extra help.

Since you ask, my ex pays nothing for our son (low income self employed) and he doesn’t have him overnight. He takes him out usually one afternoon a week so that’s one lunch per week I don’t provide. I decided long ago I couldn’t change my ex only how I react to him and accepting this is how it is for the sake of DS has made it much easier to co-parent. We have a reasonable relationship now and ex would help me out should I need it (eg plumbing in a washing machine the other week).

On the odd occasion they do a bit more and it involves public transport I have offered to pick them up in town. A 10 min drive.

@Scarlettpixie

We have a reasonable relationship now and ex would help me out should I need it (eg plumbing in a washing machine the other week).

I think that is the difference between yours and OPs relationship. I don't think her Ex knows how to behave reasonably or decently. Many don't. Consider yourself lucky your Ex can behave like a decent human being.

I have had to put the work in to get to this point and it isn’t clear in this scenario whether it would be possible for the OP and her ex if she stopped being so cross and they tried to meet each other half way on occasion. Of course he may just be a nob.

I was angry for a long time too, particularly as ex h fucked off with someone else. He used to be an arse but I don’t really have enough contact to see that side of him anymore.

I am still baffled by his lack of financial responsibility but giving it headspace doesn’t change anything. I started off doing what I thought was best for DS in terms of my interactions with him and as a result we are in a better place for it. Not sure that makes me ‘lucky’ but yes we get on and he is certainly better than some.

Had a similar situation...Ex took out 20 something girls for the first holiday he ever took them on. 1 daughter has ASD and forgot her passport. Understandably as he had taken the passports when he booked the holiday & then returned them to my house unknown to her. She presumed he had it.

When they got to london for the Eurostar he said he would leave her there and she was distraught so I took a 6 hr round journey via train to take the passport & also spoke to the Eurostar people and organised later trains which they sorted for the group at no additional cost.

When they got back he had booked a non direct train accidentally and the connection was cancelled so again I was asked to drive to collect them all at midnight.

Not a word of thanks from him. He just acted inconvenienced about the whole thing as well as not being able to fit the suitcases in my boot so I had to do it.

I did this all just to stop his stress levels affecting our daughter as he's a big toddler. Otherwise I would have not got involved.

If you want to do it for your son ok but I'd say no if your son is ok with it.

Good for you pixie. I'm sure you don't mean to come across as kicking the OP or being sanctimonious but you are.

I am still baffled by his lack of financial responsibility
And that says it all. You don't have the intellect or empathy to understand. Baffled? Really?

Thanks @INeedAnotherName - I'm not really keen on the implication that I don't put my dc first or do things I don't want to for them. I do, all the time. As I've said, I do an enormous amount of driving around, put money on their lunch cards on days when they are with him, pay for absolutely everything, have them (very happily) on the weekends they should be with him so he can do gigs (musician) often at short notice and with the need to cancel plans, though obviously this is less the case now they are older. I don't want to become a taxi service as well - though I have done so several times.

I agree that divorced parents should do their best to get on for the sake of the children and put themselves out so the children aren't inconvenienced or prevented from doing things they want as a result of the parents not being together. I don't agree that the way to achieve that is one person doing absolutely everything that the other asks, while the latter parent does fuck all, ever. I felt this was one occasion when I could say no with little to no detriment to ds. I did and he was fine with it.

So glad to read that you said no. These men are cheeky feckers and it’s the sort of thing my ex used to do. He was also a maintenance dodger.

No it isn’t my intention to kick the OP. As I said her ex might just be a nob. I was just trying to say there might be another way and when you are pissed off it is hard to see the wood for the trees.

Yes I am baffled as to why my sons Dad thinks it is ok make no financial contribution to his son. You think I should show him empathy?