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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let her take a bed?

29 replies

Globules · 09/09/2023 12:41

DD (16) is staying at her dad's tonight. Arranged last week. She stays with him intermittently.

We've been divorced 3 years, 20 married. He always left life admin to me.

DD doesn't have a bedroom at her dad's...long story. He took the camp beds for the kids to sleep on when he first moved out to temporary accommodation. He's now in his own place.

DD has just asked me where the airbeds are so she can take one tonight.

Seems the camp beds are in storage.

WTF does he still expect me to solve his frikking problems? If I say no, I look a bitch. If I say yes, DD will have an uncomfortable night.

AIBU to say no, get dad to sort the problem?

OP posts:
fairyfluf · 09/09/2023 12:42

If say sure this once but dad has to sort something for next time

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 09/09/2023 12:42

I would let her take one as long as it’s brought back and he needs to sort for next time.

Scarlettpixie · 09/09/2023 12:45

Yes let her take an air bed so long as she brings it back. If she is uncomfortably on an airbed its presumably up to her whether she stays or not.

Original poster
Globules · 09/09/2023 12:45

Forgot to say split was acrimonious and he was an absolute bastard to the kids and I at times. It reviles me to think one of my possessions is going in his place and coming back into mine.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/09/2023 12:47

Can you message him to tell him to buy an air bed?
It is shit to have to ask, but better than your daughter being in the middle.

Original poster
Globules · 09/09/2023 12:48

Haven't messaged him for two years @Dotcheck Far easier that way.

OP posts:
HakunaMatiłda · 09/09/2023 12:54

By in storage does that mean they aren’t at your house?

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 09/09/2023 13:02

HakunaMatiłda · 09/09/2023 12:54

By in storage does that mean they aren’t at your house?

Edited

Presume exh put them in storage as he took them with him?

OP I agree with others to send the airbed but make sure it comes back. But I understand your frustration

Tinkerbyebye · 09/09/2023 13:03

I would let her, she brings it back but asks her dad to get one for her use. . If she needs it again then I would say no

Thewizardbinbag · 09/09/2023 13:04

She is 16. Old enough to understand. Just tell her, “No, that’s your dad’s house and I’ve had enough years of picking up the slack for him. I am able to ensure you have everything you need here. The bare minimum he needs to do is provide you a place to sleep. That isn’t my job so I’m sorry but no, I’m not providing anything.”

My kids are 12 and 10 and I had a similar talk with them because they would take their debit cards out with them to buy their train tickets when going to their dad’s, but then they were using the money on their cards all weekend for stuff they did with him. That money is from me, and I had to explain that I am not paying for the days out they have with their dad. He needs to pay so they have to stop using the money on their cards which is from me for days out with their friends or with me etc. Because their dad was just getting them to pay for their lunches and tickets to things etc, so I was funding his days out with the kids. It’s bad enough I have to pay for their train tickets and then run my car to pick them up at the end of the weekend.

My kids are much younger than your almost adult daughter and they understood.

Delatron · 09/09/2023 13:08

I think let her take it this time as you don’t want her to suffer due to his incompetence.

It’s a tricky one though. I guess he sees that as the solution- that she has to cart an airbed over each time? It’s hard as you don’t talk you can’t say to him ‘get a camp bed or she can’t stay’.

It’s not fair on her to have to have that conversation but she could mention it’s a faff and uncomfortable and she’d appreciate if he could find a permanent solution- air bed or camp
bed of his own or she can’t stay. She shouldn’t have to really though.

RoseHarper · 09/09/2023 13:10

Focus on your daughter, send the bed so she has a comfy night, and dont involve her in any bad feelings. I totally get your frustration, but dont give him any more headspace, he doesnt deserve it. As your daughter matures, she'll realise which parent was there for her and which wasnt.

NeedTheSeaside · 09/09/2023 13:10

think this through. If you say 'no' it's your daughter that's uncomfortable on the floor/sofa or wherever, why would you do that when letting HER take one is an easy option.

you can't change him, but you can help her be comfortable.

you wouldn't need to approve of the people for your DD to take an air bed for herself to use at a friends.

stop making it such a big deal - it's an air bed!

Thewizardbinbag · 09/09/2023 13:12

NeedTheSeaside · 09/09/2023 13:10

think this through. If you say 'no' it's your daughter that's uncomfortable on the floor/sofa or wherever, why would you do that when letting HER take one is an easy option.

you can't change him, but you can help her be comfortable.

you wouldn't need to approve of the people for your DD to take an air bed for herself to use at a friends.

stop making it such a big deal - it's an air bed!

She won’t be on the floor. Dad can go to Argos and pick up a camp bed or air bed or even a mattress. Very easy solve. But not the OP’s solve.

Really, the girl is 16. Plenty old enough to understand and wait for her cad to buy something.

BrawnWild · 09/09/2023 13:13

Edited to delete because Mumsnet Reply function doesnt seem to link to the relevant post.

Walesagogo · 09/09/2023 13:23

Don't let your dd be piggy in the middle. Be the bigger person and let her take the airbed so she's comfortable. Her needs should come first.

Original poster
Globules · 09/09/2023 13:31

That's where I started @Thewizardbinbag , telling her to get dad to sort out rather than rely on me, as I agree she's old enough. She can't see that though. As far as she's concerned, it's just an air bed, what's the problem.

Last time she stayed 3 months ago, she was in his bed and he went on the sofa. Clearly that's not good enough for him anymore.

It's the fact he's got the camp beds. He's put them in storage. He has nowhere for her to sleep. So I have to provide the solution.

Argos is a 10 minute drive from him and he can well afford buying one. Or actually plan life and go to the storage unit to get your daughter somewhere to sleep.

I've decided to let her take it. I've made it clear it's just this once. I've told her that she won't be taking it again and it's on her to tell her feckless father to make sure she's got somewhere to sleep next time she's there.

OP posts:
Delatron · 09/09/2023 13:55

I think you’ve made the right decision. I do get your point. However the Dad will have said ‘hey DD, camp beds are still in storage so you mind bringing over an airbed?’ Your DD will have said ‘sure no problem’. She won’t see it from your point of view.

You could gently suggest that carting an airbed over each time isn’t ideal and ask her to see if he has plans to get the air beds out of storage.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 14:09

I completely understand where you’re coming from and I would be so reluctant to let her take it.

Its funny how if you didn’t provide a bed you’d be called a bad mum and you would never expect her dad to provide her a bed for your home, so why can’t he provide her with a bed at his.

It reminds me of my old friend who was really annoyed that his ex hadn’t packed a spare change of clothes for his daughter and her clothes got wet so she had nothing to wear!

You’ve done the right thing by letting her take it this once for her sake but I get your frustration.

DinoMummsy · 09/09/2023 14:23

If her lazy, selfish Dad hasn't bothered arranging for a bed for her, then surely she just can't stay there - simples. If he wants her to stay, he needs to sort himself out - he sounds like an immature twat.

Thewizardbinbag · 09/09/2023 14:28

Sorry OP, but I really disagree with your decision.
When kids are little, we have to suck it up and fill in the gaps that useless, selfish and lazy exes leave because they’re too young to sort themselves or tell their dad to sort it. We have to just bite our tongues and do it, even when it isn’t fair and we bear all the burdens.

But once they’re teens… no. She isn’t a little child, she wasn’t going to be left with no
solution and she is old enough to understand. This is when you get to have a firm line and dad has to sort his own shit out or she stays home or tells him directly herself to sort it.

Original poster
Globules · 09/09/2023 15:45

@Thewizardbinbag I have no problem with you disagreeing 😊 I appreciate your honesty.

He's put them through far too much crap and for her sake, this time, she can take the airbed. I won't make her bear the brunt again of his inadequacy. She knows she won't be taking it again though, so I told her she needs to spell it out to her dad.

She'd never be staying home either. She has plans for the morning, which is why she's choosing to stay there.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2023 15:48

I agrée with @Thewizardbinbag

In fact at 16 I’d probably say, why not just not go to Dad’s til he sorts it.

Up to her then if she wants to go without the air bed being sorted by you, or stays at yours.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2023 15:48

Oh just re read your post re why she doesn’t stay home

NeedTheSeaside · 13/09/2023 00:50

Thewizardbinbag · 09/09/2023 13:12

She won’t be on the floor. Dad can go to Argos and pick up a camp bed or air bed or even a mattress. Very easy solve. But not the OP’s solve.

Really, the girl is 16. Plenty old enough to understand and wait for her cad to buy something.

Show quote history

@Thewizardbinbag

just because someone CAN do something, doesn't mean he WILL do it.

it's a bloody air bed she's asked to take, not something precious, not something her dad will use or get any pleasure from. A bloody blow up bed to sleep on.

i get the OP is fucked iff with him, but not letting her daughter take an survey to sleep on, is petty & ridiculous.