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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For refusing a ‘day out’

50 replies

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 10:57

Every weekend with DC and DSS we do activities and prior to them going back to school went to zoo, climbing and theatre. Money has been tight as DH was out of work for 3 weeks but are finally all caught up, bills paid but just need to be careful for the next week until he gets paid again (I am paid later in month).
DSS arrived last night with a ‘list’ of things there mum told them they could do this weekend with some of them costing £150 for an hour as there is 6 of us. DH wants me to book something and I have refused. We need to be careful and I don’t think children need to do expensive activities every single time plus it’s too hot and my DC asked if they could have a day at home in pool and hot tub.
have told him I will not be booking or arranging or even paying for these activities and if his ex wants her kids to do them she can book and pay but we can not afford to do something every time. He is sulking and saving we should take it out of savings- AIBU to say enough is enough and we can’t keep paying for expensive things because his ex tells his children we earn more

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:01

The savings are not for ‘days out’ they are for a purchase we have made that will be ready end of Oct so if used we need to start the catch up game again

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 09/09/2023 11:03

Your DSS' mum is a complete CF! Good of her to decide how you spend your savings 🤨
A chilled weekend at home will do no one any harm.

Sirzy · 09/09/2023 11:05

She sent them with a list of things to do? I would be sending the list straight back.

a fun day at home is fine.

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:08

Also tomorrow one of my DC and DSS have a hobby that only runs every other weekend for 5-6 months a year (weather dependent) so I will be out of the house 7.30am to about 7pm so today is the only day we can relax, catch up on washing etc

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WaltzingWaters · 09/09/2023 11:08

A fun day at home is fine. Especially if you have a pool and hot tub! Definitely no need to be doing expensive activities all the time. It doesn’t make them special when you do.
And why on earth is his mum sending him with a list of stuff for you to do with him. You decide what you do when he’s with you, and she decides when he’s with her!

fairyfluf · 09/09/2023 11:09

She's a cheeky one!

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:10

Yes she is constantly telling them things we should do with them, asking for money etc to the point she is taking us to CSA as despite giving more plus extras that on the maintenance calculation she feels we have much more income and a better lifestyle- but that’s because I work full time in a professional role and she has chosen not to work (kids 14 and 11)

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hdbs17 · 09/09/2023 11:11

Who sends a list of approved activities - particularly ones that cost a lot of money without contributing!

You're well within your right to refuse to pay for something that your DC don't want to do if you don't have the money at the moment.

A pool day at home in this heat sounds ideal.

Sirzy · 09/09/2023 11:12

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:10

Yes she is constantly telling them things we should do with them, asking for money etc to the point she is taking us to CSA as despite giving more plus extras that on the maintenance calculation she feels we have much more income and a better lifestyle- but that’s because I work full time in a professional role and she has chosen not to work (kids 14 and 11)

Give her what CMS say and then save the rest you where giving for when the children are older then, or use it to pay for the expensive days out!

ChaToilLeam · 09/09/2023 11:12

You decide how to spend your money, not her.

A day messing about in the pool and hot tub sounds great!

CakeIsNotAvailable · 09/09/2023 11:12

My husband's ex used to do this - she told their children that he had lots of money and to ask for expensive things at his house! Actually he had his children almost half the time and so worked part-time - we weren't poor, but we were only slightly better off than their mother. We used to just explain that we couldn't always afford to do what they wanted - we were members of a couple of local attractions so could take them there effectively for free, so we were never stuck in the house.

SunRainStorm · 09/09/2023 11:12

She's not doing the children any favours filling their heads with expectations like that.

Totally fine to have a day at home.

Hellosausag · 09/09/2023 11:15

My dss mum does this. Tells him “make sure daddy does fun things with you” “make sure he takes you out somewhere” we ignore her and just do what we wanna do. Can’t afford to go out every weekend and also sometimes we want a weekend at home getting stuff done or doing a food shop. Dss mum then sends a snotty email saying “can’t believe all you did was go food shopping” bloody woman. So anyway, you are not being unreasonable.

Loopytiles · 09/09/2023 11:15

Your H sounds like he’s failing to address this issues with ex - or to explain to his DC - and instead wanting you be Disney Dad and you to overspend. That’s shit.

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 11:16

She shouldn't be giving you any advice.

You and your DH should have a conversation about budget - how much per month for kids activities. The dynamic sounds pretty confrontational with both of you trying to tell the other what to do or not do.

Beyond money, it is fine to have a day at home but if DH wants to take DSC out an do something while you and DCs relax at home he can. You don't get to control what everyone else does based on what you want to do.

LadyBird1973 · 09/09/2023 11:19

Your husband needs to address this with her and make it clear that sending a list is unacceptable. He sounds very weak tbh, if he's bugging you to book something you can't afford, on her say so!

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:19

I am happy for him to take DSC out but he has literally spent all his money so for him to do these activities I have to pay and I am not willing to pay for activities set by his ex when she says- I have also said go to beach or something but DSS said that’s boring and don’t want to.

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LadyBird1973 · 09/09/2023 11:22

@saffronsoup I'm not sure you can say that beyond money, he can do what he wants, as money is very much a key factor. He would be very unreasonable to spend money earmarked for a bill, because he's got dad guilt.

Children need time and attention, they don't always need expensive trips. Besides, it's baking out there - the pool sounds lovely.

BungleandGeorge · 09/09/2023 11:22

If your kids want to play in the pool perhaps their dad could take them out for some cheap 1to 1 time? That would be more valuable than an expensive day out. When they stay do they ever get to choose activities?

FionnulaTheCooler · 09/09/2023 11:23

YANBU. Everyone needs downtime and a day at home won't do DSS or your own
DC any harm. DSS's stepmum can sod off, if his father can't pay for him to do expensive activities then she doesn't get to dictate that you must dip into your savings to pay for them.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 09/09/2023 11:24

Ex dil trys this , it's way too hot today to be faffing around with activities. Staying in is fine, especially as they have activities booked in tomorrow

Shopper727 · 09/09/2023 11:25

When my kids go to their dads they do what he decides she’s a cheeky mare sending lists of stuff to if she wants them to do expensive activities she can pay for them herself. Your ‘d’ h is a toddler ffs I think they both need to grow up tbh realise kids don’t need to be constantly occupied and if you don’t have the money you don’t have it, your dh should work harder and keep a job if he wants to provide expensive activities for his kids

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:25

Yes they do get to chose activities when they are here - obviously sometimes me and DH just book them like theme parks and surprise days (that we know they all like). The theatre trip was his 14 child’s idea as she really wanted to see it, My youngest DS doesn’t like the theatre but understands in a family we all have to do things for others

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saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 11:27

LadyBird1973 · 09/09/2023 11:22

@saffronsoup I'm not sure you can say that beyond money, he can do what he wants, as money is very much a key factor. He would be very unreasonable to spend money earmarked for a bill, because he's got dad guilt.

Children need time and attention, they don't always need expensive trips. Besides, it's baking out there - the pool sounds lovely.

I don't say he can spend whatever he wants. Given it sounds like their finances are separate, if he has money he can spend it as he wishes, just as OP does with her money. If they both pay separately for themselves and their own respective children and then have a shared pot for general expenses, it is on her DH to manage that money. If it is is gone, it is gone.

And I disgree with you. I don't think OP or her DH gets to tell the other how they will or won't spend their time and day. DH can choose to go out if he wants. She doesn't get to control his movements. You can't force people to enjoy time in the pool if that isn't what they want to do. Not everyone enjoys or feels like the same thing at the same time and you can't force DH and DSC to spend the day in the pool and like it if they don't want to. Nor should her DH tell her and DC that they can't go in the pool and that everyone is leaving the house to do x activity and they will have a good time. You don't order other people around like that

Original poster
Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:27

He does work hard but we returned from a 2 weeks holiday in America (with all children) and the company he worked for had gone bust he sourced a job that week but with contracts etc was out of work 3 weeks and didn’t get paid the 2 weeks we were away as they had gone bust - just unlucky time

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