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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For refusing a ‘day out’

50 replies

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 10:57

Every weekend with DC and DSS we do activities and prior to them going back to school went to zoo, climbing and theatre. Money has been tight as DH was out of work for 3 weeks but are finally all caught up, bills paid but just need to be careful for the next week until he gets paid again (I am paid later in month).
DSS arrived last night with a ‘list’ of things there mum told them they could do this weekend with some of them costing £150 for an hour as there is 6 of us. DH wants me to book something and I have refused. We need to be careful and I don’t think children need to do expensive activities every single time plus it’s too hot and my DC asked if they could have a day at home in pool and hot tub.
have told him I will not be booking or arranging or even paying for these activities and if his ex wants her kids to do them she can book and pay but we can not afford to do something every time. He is sulking and saving we should take it out of savings- AIBU to say enough is enough and we can’t keep paying for expensive things because his ex tells his children we earn more

OP posts:

greenmarsupial · 09/09/2023 11:32

It sounds like your DH feels the pressure to be a Disney dad. Your DSS seems well integrated with family life (sharing a hobby etc.) so it seems really unnecessary to have big days out all the time.

We both work in professional roles Mon-Fri so need the weekends for house jobs and running the kids round their activities. It sounds like your DSS needs to learn to be content with not having 24/7 amusement.

Blough · 09/09/2023 11:38

No need to justify yourself, your husband is the problem. He is not to sulk, make demands he’s incapable of fulfilling, have you out parenting his kids for him for 12 hours a day, and he needs to correct his ex. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour you’ve allowed him to perform, time to put a stop to it.

CwmYoy · 09/09/2023 11:40

The mother is an absolute CF cow. Tell her to piss off and get a job.

Lazy mare.

LadyBird1973 · 09/09/2023 11:53

But he hasn't got any money. And OP does have the right to say he cannot use savings that have been earmarked for a purchase they've already made!
If he spends it, where do you think the replacement money to pay that bill is going to come from?

Obviously if he was sitting on piles of cash he could take them out, but I'd still say OP is right to object to his spending choices being made according to his ex wife's demands.

Original poster

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 12:01

Thank you for opinions as sometimes it’s hard as when your living in it I wonder if if I am being unreasonable but ultimately I don’t want to pay catch up and have another month short so his ex can tell us what we do on our weekends

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 09/09/2023 12:04

Who are all these single parents of teenagers who don’t work? It’s a constant theme on here and I never meet them in real life. It sounds depressing and boring as fuck. I also can’t believe she’s in that position, her kids have just been taken to America on holiday plus multiple days out and she’s still demanding more - and your DH is siding with her?! As if they’re still married and you’re there to finance their family life. Ick. I couldn’t look at him.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 12:06

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 11:08

Also tomorrow one of my DC and DSS have a hobby that only runs every other weekend for 5-6 months a year (weather dependent) so I will be out of the house 7.30am to about 7pm so today is the only day we can relax, catch up on washing etc

You have a pool and a hot tub?

Perfect. You stay put. Who wants to go anywhere in this heat?

Maybe get some nice food in and that's that.

MiddleParking · 09/09/2023 12:07

Oh sorry it’s just their one kid plus your three with him, is it? I can see why that’s frustrating in a way tbh but that’s life.

Boomboom22 · 09/09/2023 12:09

I find it disgusting that a single mum of an 11 and 14 Yr old does not work. Wtf? And your ft wage is meant to subsidise her? She is actually a cunt.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/09/2023 12:10

It's poor parenting on their DM's part, she's teaching her DC that Dad shows his love by spending money on them. Of course the kids want to do exciting things and it sets them ip for disappointment when their DM just presumes you can afford them. Your DH now feels shit but you can't keep spending money because his ex says so. Far better for your DH to explain to his DC that you don't have the money to go but he loves them and is just really happy to be with them.

MiddleParking · 09/09/2023 12:10

No! Your two and their two! Yeah she’s ridiculous.

Olika · 09/09/2023 12:10

Blough · 09/09/2023 11:38

This

Original poster

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 12:12

I have 2 DS (12 and 10) and he has 2 DC (14 and 11) we do not have any children together

OP posts:

midgemadgemodge · 09/09/2023 12:13

"They are lovely suggestions. Choose what you'd like for your Christmas present if you like "

DelphiniumBlue · 09/09/2023 12:17

You're taking them out tomorrow for their hobby, today can be a fun time chilling in your pool.
And btw, you don't have to take all the DC every time you go anywhere - if only the 14 year old wanted to go to the theatre, you could just take her - works out much cheaper!

saffronsoup · 09/09/2023 12:18

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 12:12

I have 2 DS (12 and 10) and he has 2 DC (14 and 11) we do not have any children together

Given you don't share kids, the finances should be pretty stright forward. You each contribute your 50% share to the household expenses for the two of you and then you each pay for 100% of all kid related expenses for your own kids. Assuming you don't go to him fo ryour share of expenses or use his contributions for your own kids - he shouldn't come to you either. Very easy with two adults who each have two kids to just split finances with a joint pot for the adult shared household expenses.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 12:21

This is entirely a husband problem.

He has spent his spending money by the first week of the month.

If he wants to go out then he will need to do something free.

Stay firm, you and your children are staying at home.

He can do whatever he likes for the day, but not touching savings to do it

Dweetfidilove · 09/09/2023 12:21

He could be a millionaire and she’d still be a CF.
Even she was paying for the activities, it’s not up to her to decide how you spend your time surely 😟.

Original poster

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 12:21

Each transfer same to household/ bill fund I then pay for all my children’s clothes/ hobbies etc and he does his and pays his maintenance out of his income. Usually days out one will book tickets and other will do fuel, food, drinks and we swap that round so to go out today I would have to pay everything

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 12:22

He should pay for all his children related expenses.

You pay for all of yours.

Stick to it and be consistent

Curseofthenation · 09/09/2023 12:32

I can't believe the ex has the balls to write up a list of approved activities! Do you think it's so that she can claim some of the credit for a fun weekend with you? 'Well, you wouldn't have had such a fun weekend if I didn't suggest you go rock-climbing etc. etc.

I imagine she's probably heard a lot about your trip to America and perhaps feels like she's the less exciting parent. She might want in on the glory. Absolute CF.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/09/2023 12:47

Boomboom22 · 09/09/2023 12:09

I find it disgusting that a single mum of an 11 and 14 Yr old does not work. Wtf? And your ft wage is meant to subsidise her? She is actually a cunt.

Woah there! You know nothing about this woman at all! Nothing about disabilities, caring responsibilities, other children etc. she may have perfectly valid reasons not to work. Or she may not.

Original poster

Dancebaby1989 · 09/09/2023 12:55

She has no caring responsibilities the two children she shares with DH are her only children and she has no disabilities- blamed not working on not being able to drive but has driven for 10 months and still not job following various excuses Christmas, half term, summer holidays

OP posts:

Boomboom22 · 09/09/2023 12:55

There are never valid reasons for essentially stealing from the op and her kids. Come on now.

piscofrisco · 09/09/2023 13:05

My DSS's mum once sent one of her frequent batshit emails telling us we don't do enough as a family and why don't my DD's go to soft play/trampoline park etc etc with the boys-she said it was clear evidence that our family wasn't close and the boys didn't have a relationship with their step sisters.
My DD's are 17 and 18 and both work weekends and play sport. They are unlikely, with the best will in the world, to want to go to soft play! (They love their step brothers and hang out with them in the evenings etc just like any normal family with teens and littles)
You just have to ignore these edicts from the step kids mum on how and where you spend your family time. It's annoying but learn to laugh at the madness. It's the only way.

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