Husbands allergy is driving me mad

[DreamOnDream]

I will start by saying that I KNOW myself that I’m unreasonable but at this point I think I just need to vent and let it all out.
So my DH has a dust mite allergy and he’s also very sensitive to any strong smells - perfume, body lotions, also the heat from heating in the winter, hairdryer, straightening iron etc.
He’s been to GP many times but they are pretty useless and just prescribe him various antihistamines and sprays which doesn’t help at all. He’s been pushing for referral for allergy specialist but they don’t wanna do it. Finally he went private and had a appointment 3 days ago. He put some camera in his nose and will do blood tests and face X-ray or MRI or something, I’m not sure. Anyways…
Why I’m writing this post is I’m so tired of all the moaning all the time about everything. I understand it’s not his fault and I’m understanding - I don’t dry or straightening my hair near him etc. But it’s the constant moaning that gets me. Everything always smells. There’s a dust everywhere. House always smells, car smells, EVERYTHING SMELLS.

We live on a busy road, 1st floor, there’s cars passing 24/7. We have one bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living room on the road side and we are not allowed to open any of those windows. Only 2nd bedroom and living room window which is facing the other way. It’s hot, boiling hot. All windows are shut closed and we have a sun shining into. And then he goes into other bedroom and complain that it stinks. Of course it stinks because its boarded shut and there’s no fresh air at all. Or in fact anywhere in the house, there’s no air circulation from 2 small windows.
Its the constant complain, like nonstop which makes me crazy not the allergy itself!

@TheAOEAztec

Yes, I clean it regularly because of this, to at least help and ease the things which cause him these reactions but it doesn’t make any difference tbh.
I already switched body lotions , hand cream, spray deodorant to roll on. Anything that gives out too much smell.

Air purifier really helped my dh's allergies, it keeps dust to a minimum too. The one we have is from Ikea.

Get him a clothes peg or get seperate houses.

Does he ever cook? Does he use an electric hob?

Yes, I think this is what's happening. It must be really difficult to live with him.

So does he actually do any cleaning? I hope you don't clean for him and then just get moaned at.

I agree with this. Sounds likely his anxiety and annoyance (strong emotional reaction) has caused his brain to conflate the smell with the substance, so his body now ‘does’ the reaction when he smells the smell. He needs to retrain himself to get out of that, but that’s not something a GP is likely to know much about. A hypnotherapist could help, provided it’s somebody who understands this kind of process.

I would agree with looking at strategies to reduce dust and allergens, such as having hard floors instead of carpet. Using an allergy approved vacuum cleaner, and investing in a decent air purifier and even a built in air conditioning system if necessary.

Do you know what the private specialist is actually investigating? Because it does sound to me like it's a non-allergy based investigation to look at other possible causes.

The reaction to smells like the heat of tongs is not an allergy, unless you're using a product at the same time. That does seem to a psychological thing for your DH.

Maybe agree a plan with your DH to de-allergy the flat and install whatever devices you agree on. But on the proviso that he recognises that you are not the cause of his allergies and moaning all the time is unfair.

Has he always been like this op?

Assuming you've been together a while as married. Is his behaviour escalating?
Is he under more stress or has anything bad happened to trigger the extreme behaviours?

From what you've said, whilst their is allergies, I too suspect either he has sensory issues or is suffering with poor mental health causing him to obsess about everything.

I am allergic to many things including dust (mite poo).
Strong fake smells give migraines and sinus pain. Perfume, air fresheners, candles.
So I get it must be horrible for him.

The hair tongs/straighteners is weird though as to feel any heat he would have to be stood almost touching you.

But it's like he is actively looking for things to wind himself up about.

Yes, completely agree! It sounds as though he's moaning and you are the one running around trying to sort everything out.

highly recommend a decent air filter... we use the winx one... in every room ...dc and i have lots of airborne allergies... tbf he did see allergy specialist but treatment was still just antihistamines and managing environment as much as possible....

Chronic illness is fucking debilitating.

I would be very very upset if my husband posted about my constant moaning when he has no idea what I go through 24 hours a day.

Maybe try to be a bit more understanding.

Of course it will be, but that doesn't give him a free pass to moan about everything and people put up with it.

I have an illness where I live in constant severe pain and have to try and control it with various drugs that have pretty nasty side effects. It's incurable and some days are better than others.

It doesn't give me the right to whinge and moan and make family life miserable. If I did that, they'd have every right to bail on me and tell me to get on with it, on my own.

When you are having an allergic reaction you can feel really really ill. So that may be influencing his behaviour. I would strongly recommend he tries acupuncture - I was a sceptic but it got rid of my hayfever, which I had suffered from very badly for years and years.

Sounds like there are two separate problems - the allergies, which thankfully he’s getting some help for, and the sensory issue.

Whilst I get that the sensory issue also isn’t something he can help, I think he needs to realise the issue is with him, and everything doesn’t “stink”.

My ex was a bit like this and it can drive you mad - picking up smells all over the place that others can’t smell. If he needs the house to be in a constant state of being “spring cleaned”, I think he has to do it himself and not expect you to be forever chasing phantom smells.

I get it! I have allergy asthma and this is how I am ( not to my hairdryer though) but everything else you mention is how I react.

has doctor ever mentioned asthma to him?

I take 3 types of antihistamine and 3 different types of asthma inhalers

My husband is very similar, he is asthmatic and highly sensitive to fragrance, can't have candles/perfumes strong scents of any kind in the house or he is wheezing. We have teenagers who like loads of products so it does cause tensions, travelling is a nightmare for him- people on airplanes drowned in perfume/ aftershave make him ill.
He controls this with his inhalers and fexofenadine but there is no cure or escape. He does moan but I feel he has reason to, if something he was doing was making me ill I would moan as well.

This sounds very extreme! Glad he is seeing a specialist and hope they can get it the bottom of it. There definitely sounds like there is maybe a sensory element to it as well as the allergies. I would look into getting an air purifier and some other strategies to reduce the allergens. The hair dryer/straightener thing is a bit odd though, they don’t make that much smell. I don’t think I could smell someone using a straighter or other hot hair tool unless I was in the room with them.

You've the patience of a saint op. How does he cope at work or out in the real world

I totally get why you’re fed up - and why he is too! That sucks for both of you. No advice except cover with love and get some comfort by having your own complaining session here!

I presume your DH has air purifiers and changes the filters regularly OP? And you have anti allergy bedding and laundry detergent etc.
Those are going to be the first type of thing a consultant recommends tbh.

You are going to need to move house.

People do have allergies to some smells. He is suffering. Get the allergy testing done ASAP and when you move, make sure you are not moving next to a tree he's allergic to

Does he have Vaseline around his nose and wear sunglasses outside?

After years of misery with never being allowed to open a window during Hayfever season, DH has finally paid attention to some basic strategies that help. He's much nicer to live with now he takes AH before symptoms start and keeps it up instead of skimping on them.

Allergies are not chronic illness! I am allergic to everything (almost) and don’t spend my life moaning.

I feel for him as I have terrible allergies as well. Air filters and purifers are the answer for me. I saw an allergy specialist (a few of them over the years) and nothing they can offer really helps. I tried shots and oral immunotherapy but neither made much difference and I had such strong reactions to the shots that they caused more problems than they solved.

I found that taking a 24 hour antihistamine in the morning and another one at night helped a little - although it also can make you drowsy and dry out your mucous membranes (so your mouth and nose crack a little) with daily use. I tried prescription strength anti histamines but they made me groggy.

I remove any and all fabrics - no fabric curtains or rugs or carpets or cushions or extra pillows or throws or fabric furniture etc. My house is stark tile and easy to clean surfaces and furniture. Minimalist furniture. I have a lot of indoor plants that actually I tolerate well and I think they help clean the air - if I bring a new plant in, I have a hard time so I have had my plants a long time and I just replant cuttings to grow my plant population! I spray my plants with mist daily to keep them from getting dusty.

I have multiple air filters and purifiers in every room. I change the filters often. I put filters in any air source coming into the room (heat or air conditioning) and then have free standing air filters / purifiers as well. No animals or anything dusty in the house. No scented products. No foods or drinks with strong smells (no coffee). My hairdryer makes me sneeze but I have thin hair so I tolerate it for the 5 minutes it takes me to dry it!

I can't control the world outside my door and I am miserable much of the time so I am pretty determined to make my house a place where I am not as miserable so I have some refuge. I had a long list of requirement when we last moved. I have airconditioning as I can't have the windows open in spring and summer. The first few weeks the airconditioning is on is bad but I disinfect it and filter the air coming out of it and use mold and mildew spray in it and it seems to settle in a few weeks.