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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

”You’re not missing out on anything”

35 replies

DidIMissOut · 08/09/2023 18:49

Been single all my life (not by choice), just hasn’t worked out for me and this has been said to me quite a few times, haven’t asked.
People just say it.
Anyway, I was reading stuff about this subject, someone else was wondering why their friend was single bla bl bla, and so many commenters said the title.
”Good for her, it’s not like she’s missing out on anything”.

For those lycky kne’s from the other side, a question:
Why do people say this?

OP posts:
TenOhSeven · 08/09/2023 18:51

Because it's true? There are a lot of advantages to being single.

legalseagull · 08/09/2023 18:53

Because people often like to play the martyr. Whether it's moaning about their husband or joking about being delighted the kids are back in school - in reality most people are happy as a couple as life is easier (financial, childcare etc) and less lonely.

Hardbackwriter · 08/09/2023 18:55

I think people mean well when they say it - although it's usually said light heartedly I do think it's actually meant to make you feel better. That doesn't stop it actually being a stupid and insensitive thing to say if you'd rather be in a relationship. I experienced this with infertility - telling me that having kids isn't all that anyway - and it wasn't meant badly but it was really hurtful.

PerspiringElizabeth · 08/09/2023 18:56

Trying to make you feel better but agree it’s insensitive and dismissive.

Poshjock · 08/09/2023 18:57

Because people only feel the burden of the negative and difficult stuff in their life. So when you say you’re single they see the panacea of a happy life. They do not see or understand your burden.

In other words the grass always looks greener on other people’s lawns.

Original poster
DidIMissOut · 08/09/2023 19:01

PerspiringElizabeth · 08/09/2023 18:56

Trying to make you feel better but agree it’s insensitive and dismissive.

Edited

Thank you for this.

I can see how people can see it to be a kind thing to say, but it does vome off as dismissive.
Because it does cut me off talking about how difficult it is (to be clear I don’t whine about this all the time, I promise) and my problems.
And it’s hurtful to be told I’m ’lucky’ that no one is snoring in my ear or playing video games, like what?!

OP posts:
Jennalong · 08/09/2023 19:02

If you have a busy lifestyle , with friends to share it with , and when not doing things with those friends and family and more than happy to be at home alone or willing to do things alone , then being single can be a joy.
if life is not like that , or you yearn to be a couple , then of course you are going to feel lonely .
Some people are willing to be in a less than perfect relationship for nothing more than the company it brings.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2023 19:09

Op, I've been on both sides. They say it because it's true. For the vast majority of people.
It must be far more difficult to realise this if you haven't had a LTR yourself.
My own experience based on people I know (hundreds, I'm pretty friendly) in preference order for me;

  1. 10 % of women I know are in a couple with a decent bloke. Yes, lucky them.
  2. 20 % are single. They are all happy. I'm in this group.
  3. 60 % if women I know are in fairly miserable marriages, but are trapped because kids/finances.
  4. 10 % of women I know are in really really miserable marriages.
Evaka · 08/09/2023 19:10

I'm sorry OP. I'd imagine people think they're reassuring you but it's very minimising of your/others' experience. Most people are in couples because it's what they want and they get a lot out of it so it's disingenuous. Next time someone throws that at you, innocently ask when they're splitting/divorcing.

Anonanonanon1 · 08/09/2023 19:17

I've spent the majority of my life single and it's extremely lonely.
When people complain about little things their partners do, I think how lucky they are to have someone that wants to be with them.

Oysterbabe · 08/09/2023 19:18

Most men are pretty awful.

Hufflepods · 08/09/2023 19:20

Because they have a rubbish unsupportive partner and love to martyr themselves mostly.

Welcomer · 08/09/2023 19:22

To try to make the single person feel better? Maybe it hasn't occurred to them they don't need help to feel better!

NotAMumNotByChoice · 08/09/2023 19:29

That and 'It's all right for you, you don't have childrem'
Apparently not having a child means you have an endless supply of disposable income.

Being single can be fine, and is better than having a shit partner, but life can be a lot better if you are in a happy, healthy relationship.

countdown64 · 08/09/2023 19:38

A few people find their soul mate and best friend and grow old happily together. Many people (most?) get stuck with someone who is lazy/grumpy/ etc, who they don't want to be with, and long for freedom to do what they want to do. There's a lot of 'the grass being greener on the other side' though.

Original poster
DidIMissOut · 08/09/2023 19:39

Anonanonanon1 · 08/09/2023 19:17

I've spent the majority of my life single and it's extremely lonely.
When people complain about little things their partners do, I think how lucky they are to have someone that wants to be with them.

Yep.

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 08/09/2023 19:40

May I ask how old you are?

Worldisacircus · 08/09/2023 19:44

I do think sometimes wish I were single and never had a family. I had so much freedom before. I could choose career path and locations. But now I feel sometimes so overwhelmed with house work , cooking and office work and keep thinking about the times before.

Original poster
DidIMissOut · 08/09/2023 19:50

SurprisedWithAHorse · 08/09/2023 19:40

May I ask how old you are?

Late 30’s.

OP posts:
LizardLizard · 08/09/2023 19:52

Because they have unhappy, unsatisfying relationships, and presumably think they’d be happier single, but weirdly don’t do anything to end their relationship. Almost like they’re talking total shit.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2023 19:53

Anonanonanon1 · 08/09/2023 19:17

I've spent the majority of my life single and it's extremely lonely.
When people complain about little things their partners do, I think how lucky they are to have someone that wants to be with them.

I feel so sorry for you and the op. Not because you're single, but because you dont realise you HAVE got the best deal, and thus can't embrace it. I'm not dismissing it, I'm telling you I've been both sides, and actually my ex husband was pretty ok really, and it is far nicer to be free. IMO it's a luxury most people can't afford. Depending on your age.
When I went out with my friends in my 30s, I was still married and absolutely joined in with the slating of our husbands. That was our evenings, waiting for our turn to rant about what awful thing they'd done.
Now in my forties I listen to them, and think, thank goodness I don't have any of that negativity in my life.

I would say embrace singlehood. Enjoy it. Enjoy the peace. Go out with friends. Have loads of hobbies. You're just free, enjoy it.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2023 19:55

LizardLizard · 08/09/2023 19:52

Because they have unhappy, unsatisfying relationships, and presumably think they’d be happier single, but weirdly don’t do anything to end their relationship. Almost like they’re talking total shit.

No, it's because they're scared to. Scared of the unknown. There's comfort in familiarity, however miserable it is. They're worried about the kids. All sorts of reasons. And it's a real shame for them that they can't break free.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 08/09/2023 20:06

When I was in an a relationship I would be envious of single people having all the freedom to do what the hell they want without having to worry about keeping another person happy! I love being single, no one to please but me!

Conversely, I do get lonely and miss having a relationship occasionally but there are pros and cons to each scenario. Maybe the people who say it actually think you’re not missing much because they wish they were single! 🤣

ManchesterLu · 08/09/2023 20:19

They say it with the best of intentions but we all know it's not true.

I love living with my partner, there's always someone here, we have a laugh, we're best friends.

Equally, there are MANY advantages to being single!

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 08/09/2023 20:23

People who say this to you aren’t happy in their relationships. They will often feel trapped and that they can’t leave, sometimes due to kids, sometimes due to finances. Other times just because they’re scared of the unknown or because they think they don’t deserve better.

They are looking at you from a position of envy. They are only imagining the benefits of being single because of their situation, they aren’t imagining the downsides that you are feeling. However, you are imagining the best case scenario of a relationship and that’s what you think you’re missing out on. But you aren’t seeing that these people are probably really lonely, scared and feeling trapped.

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