To ask how to respond when family members say things that are inappropriate or offensive without causing an atmosphere

[CharlotteSometimes1]

I’m a bit stuck in the middle between younger members of the family who are frequently upset by comments made by more senior family. I want to back the younger ones (20’s) without creating an awkward atmosphere. Let’s say the older ones are Pam & Ron, they rarely refer to someone without commenting on their looks and weight and anyone who’s lost weight will be massively praised leaving some of the younger ones (Rosie & Ella) feeling upset as they’re more curvy. They’ll say things like ‘the nurse is lovely, she’s so beautiful and slim’. At the same time they feel free to comment on things about Rosie and Ella, like I really don’t like your tattoos or haircut etc.

We only see Pam and Ron in person once a year for a few days, they adore the girls and are completely oblivious to how they’re making them feel. I’d really like to shut down their comments, so that visits can be fun again. The girls also love P&R but have got to the point where they can’t relax with them anymore. Pam will get the message if I can find a way to say something, but can get defensive if she feels she’s being attacked. Ron will do what Pam tells him to.

WWYD?

Tell them straight. ‘Your comments are alienating the people that you love. So pack it in,’

The wet fart technique. Let it just hang in the air a little longer than you'd feel comfortable.

Then say 'right'.

Change the subject.

Works 100% of the time, every time!

Hi Pam, when we come up to see you can you try not to make any comments about weight at all and no personal appearance comments to the girls as it upsets them.

😂 Always diffused the tension in our house

I wouldn’t pressure my DC to visit these idiots. If you want to, go ahead.

Maybe teach your adult children to answer for themselves? My DDs would say ‘Oi Aunty Pam, stop being mean - fancy another G+T?’ And move on.

My responses would be

’What’s her weight got to do with anything?’ Then a confused shake of your head, then ‘…..anyway’.

If they comment on the girls appearance ‘What?! that’s really rude!’ or ‘I think they look lovely’ or a laugh and ’You’re making yourself sound really out of touch there Pam and Ron!’

Would humour and turning it back on them work? When my dad says these things I often reply with things like 'hmm, yes, my hair may be frizzy, but at least I'm not bald' (like him). Or if he says 'I don't like those trousers' I'll say 'I'm not that keen on yours but I'm not wearing them, so...'

'Well, thank you wholeheartedly for your frank opinion' also tends to shut him up.

Today my adult DS discovered that I keep a secret stash of coffee pods in case someone uses the last one in the cupboard. He just said, 'Well. Damn' very lightheartedly, and left. Got his point across perfectly.

This.

By text.

Give her time to digest it.

If she takes offence tell her "ok we'll see you some other time as the girls would rather not visit if means they will be upset".

Screw Pam and Ron and their rude remarks.

I have zero tolerance for being around it and you shouldn't tolerate it for your girls.

Personal remarks are really bloody rude and people have every right not to be around it, whatever age either party are.

Do not encourage your daughters to accept rudeness.

You will be really failing them if you do.

The wet fart method is very good as is a really exaggerated shocked expression with wide eyes and a "oh my goodness"😱😬.....let it hang there too.

After you do that a couple of times they really don't want to witness it.

I genuinely had to check back and make sure they are in their 20s?!

Stop mollycoddling them. They have to understand that outside of the bubble you're trying to create where people are 'curvy' rather than (I assume) overweight, people will say things they don't like and it's up to them to speak up.

And before anyone mentions 'confrontation' 🙄 it's not, it's just adult conversation.

Hi Pam 👋

Is that really as far as your mind can stretch?

All of this.

The wet fart method is very good as is a really exaggerated shocked expression with wide eyes and a "oh my goodness"😱😬.....let it hang there too.

There are many facial expressions which speak 1,000 words! Shifting eyes from side to side like you don't know where to look, whilst simultaneously looking incredulous also adds to the potency of the wet fart technique (WFT). A cringingly awkward 'okayyyyy' gives it one final pungent punch.

I have a relative who makes inane comments and it's not worth the fall out. I WFT the heck out of it and it gets the message across without saying a word. A tight lipped smile and offer to put the kettle on then moves the scene on and everyone can relax.

Yes. And they are going to have to get used to people saying things they don't like it, it's going to happen a lot.

And - just possibly - not everyone is going to be happy with everything they say either.

If you can’t produce wet farts to order, encourage the younger ones to immediately change the subject to the garden or the weather (always good distraction subjects)

I would text/email so that she has time to digest it and say we love coming to visit but do you realise that every time you describe someone you reference their weight? This along with the comments about what you don't like about the girls is upsetting them. I am sure you wouldn't want someone to tell you what they don't like about you each time they saw you. We shall see you as always on X date.

My Grandma used to be critical every time we saw her and at one point my older sister had had enough and said oh is it our turn now to say what we don't like about you? Isn't this a two way street? And just calmly left the room. But she got her point across. She didn't say anything negative so couldn't be held for being rude.

Most adult conversation is not "I don't like your tattoos" (bit too late!) or "I don't like your haircut". Most people don't make comments like that to people they meet, because this is considered rude. Most people understand that the person who has the haircut owns a mirror, has seen how it looks, and has chosen that hairstyle (barring hairdressing issues!). Most people understand that other people choose their hairstyle and how they dress etc. based on what they themselves prefer, not on what other people prefer, let alone what people distant to them and making the comments prefer.

Oh and just in case there's any ambiguity...the wet fart is a metaphor for the unpleasant comment. I don't actually suggest trying to squeeze out a moist bum puff on demand.

Also, another response to 'I don't like your xyz' is 'oh don't you? Can't please everyone, eh. Fancy a snack?'

Or 'oh really? I love them! What time are going out later'.

Meant to add that you can find any way to turn your response into whatever the verbal equivalent of a shrug is, and also demonstrate that this person's opinion isn't really that important.

I have a lot of experience in this field, as you may have guessed.

they rarely refer to someone without commenting on their looks and weight and anyone who’s lost weight will be massively praised leaving some of the younger ones (Rosie & Ella) feeling upset as they’re more curvy. They’ll say things like ‘the nurse is lovely, she’s so beautiful and slim’.

Rosie & Ella can just ignore this. No need to manufacture outrage/upset over something that’s inconsequential.

At the same time they feel free to comment on things about Rosie and Ella, like I really don’t like your tattoos or haircut etc.

Rosie & Ella should feel empowered to speak up when anything to do with personal appearance is criticised, as that’s just rude. They’re no longer children. Pam and Ron shouldn’t treat them as such and Rosie and Ella shouldn’t feel obliged to ‘be polite’ if someone is criticising their appearance. You shouldn’t treat them like children either by fighting their battles for them.

By all means back them up/empower them by calling out Pam & Ron’s rudeness in the room when it happens but that’s all you need to do.

These young women need to speak up for themselves, it's about being adult in an adult world.

This is all irrelevant because rude people do exist and these adults will have to get used to dealing with them.

It doesn't matter whether it's most people or not. Learning to deal with this sort of thing is part of life.

Dc have a df whom can be relied upon fir inappropriate remarks.
They either ignore him and exchange eye rolls or say ' dad!' That was rude!!
Dad looks genuinely confused and either blunders on or tries to.make a joke.

If they are really embarrassed they call him dude not dad. They are teens.

In my family, if someone said ' what a lovely slim nurse' or whatever its not taken personally. What's wrong with being slim and nice?

If you pointed out someone had a lazy eye or something, it's usual to stare at the speaker and say ' yes, it's hereditary, ....your side' Then laugh.