To ask how to respond when family members say things that are inappropriate or offensive without causing an atmosphere

[CharlotteSometimes1]

I’m a bit stuck in the middle between younger members of the family who are frequently upset by comments made by more senior family. I want to back the younger ones (20’s) without creating an awkward atmosphere. Let’s say the older ones are Pam & Ron, they rarely refer to someone without commenting on their looks and weight and anyone who’s lost weight will be massively praised leaving some of the younger ones (Rosie & Ella) feeling upset as they’re more curvy. They’ll say things like ‘the nurse is lovely, she’s so beautiful and slim’. At the same time they feel free to comment on things about Rosie and Ella, like I really don’t like your tattoos or haircut etc.

We only see Pam and Ron in person once a year for a few days, they adore the girls and are completely oblivious to how they’re making them feel. I’d really like to shut down their comments, so that visits can be fun again. The girls also love P&R but have got to the point where they can’t relax with them anymore. Pam will get the message if I can find a way to say something, but can get defensive if she feels she’s being attacked. Ron will do what Pam tells him to.

WWYD?

I love this. I must remember to use it more often.

Maybe just saying "that's not very nice, why are you being so rude?" to them might yield results. I mean, why just accept it? They are old enough to know better, and if they love these younger family members why do it?

Tell your adult children to take no notice. No one has to become the righteous warrior and start admonishing other adults. Sometimes people say stupid things, that's life. People have different views, and they are entitled to those views as much as you are entitled to yours. They may not think there is anything wrong with what they're expressing. Sometimes for the sake of getting on with people you've just got to let it slide.

Alternatively, one of your adult children could gently say at the time something is said that they don't like: 'oh don't say that, it makes me feel bad.'

Are you really as rude in real life as you come across here?

No, it’s not ok for you (or “Pam”) to pass judgment on others’ weight and protecting them from nasty comments from people like you is not “mollycoddling”. HTH!

Mollycoddling? Yes—what decade is this!

But I agree: the right thing is to tell Pam and Ron to fuck off to the far side of fuck with the tedious judgments they are flinging about like bird seed. They need to grow up and out of their little bubble where they think their opinions are valuable and not basically shitty and mean.

Another good one is a quiet ''ouch''. It doesn't let the other person's narrative that they were just joking or that they weren't being hurtful prevail but nobody (reasonable) could accuse you of being confrontational either.

The younger adults should speak up for themselves - no-one else need interfere.

I genuinely think you need to go back and read my posts if you think I'm being rude, I'm passing judgment, saying it's ok to pass judgement or if you think I'm 'Pam'.

Not sure whether to 🤣 or 🙄 but do go back and read.

Everyone suggesting using some form of non-direct communication (e.g. wet fart, "ouch") is being completely unhelpful. If these are elderly people, they're not going to understand those tactics. They're going to understand direct, precise communication with words. Period. They will probably dismiss it too, but it's better than not saying anything.

And, OP, your daughters are the ones that should be using the direct, precise words because they are not children. Obviously if you want to stick up for them, you can (I would I have no problem telling anyone that they're being idiots even when it isn't about me), but it sounds like your daughters feel uncomfortable saying something they need to get over that right quick.

Ron and Pam remind me of my parents. My mother once called early and told me calmly that I looked like death warmed up. When I said ''did you have to say that?'' she was hurt by my rudeness. So all of the insults flow without acknowledgement one way. My mother and her sisters looked at their children /nieces and said ''don't our children look middle aged!' and laughed like drains. If I'd said ''don't you all look so elderly!'' in a chirpy little voice, it would have ''hurt'' them.

Lot of good advice on this thread. I have not handled my parents well. I've over reacted to their insults (from a hurt place). I wish I'd done the wet fart.

Think some people are missing OP’s wish not to create an atmosphere 😆

My mum is like this, op. She won’t change either so I usually gently take the piss- enough to show that I dislike the comments but not so much that I damage our relationship. I also talk to my teen kids about it and they know I’d back them if they objected.

Sounda like yours are old enough to choose for themselves how to handle it.

The problem with this is that they're the children of the family, even if they're no longer actually children. Often the age hierarchy and hierarchical relations persist into the children's adulthood. Pam and Ron may well react like being questioned by the children is rude or like 'oh, we can't say anything' if the girls speak up in response.

It sounds like this has been brewing for a while and Rosie and Ella are upset by the comments not only because of one-off rude comments, but because this has built up and is something they encounter every time. If you see this happening and are a third party (even if you're the girls' mother, it's not directly to you), you should speak up for them, because it's less personal and hurtful for you.

@DeniseSecunda I tried a direct approach with my mother but it didn't work, it made things so much worse because she is so convinced that there is one perspective (hers) that she doesn't understand the concept of introducing another perspective in to the narrative. I am the part she wrote. She tells me who I am. So, any attempt to give polite, clear, direct feedback is perceived as aggression.

And who says she is not going to help her dc make these comments themselves. It is a genuine ask for advice on how best to get the message across. It would be awkward and embarrassing for anyone to raise with loved relatives- and we could all do with advice on how to approach this and what has worked for others. Especially 20 year olds who are yet to develop that level of emotional maturity and intelligence. You do know h7man brains haven’t reached maturity until mid twenties - and emotional control and impulse control is one of last bits of development. Op is obviously trying to ensure her dc don’t metaphorically stick the finger up at these relatives, and try to resolve it.
that doesn’t equate to helicopter parenting. It could just as easily apply to a friend who is trying to give her won friend advice.
🤦‍♀️

I like this. I may,y use with my own dad 🤷🏼‍♀️ when he talks to me like shit. He’s 87, but it has always been that way.

My mother is in her 70s and fully understands the wet fart. She is incredibly pass remarkable and has reduced the amount of stupid comments to me since I started wet farting her. It's extremely useful because she gets the point without going to her usual position of defensiveness and it means we don't blow up. Our relationship is tenuous and it means we can keep the peace without having an argument. I don't have a problem calling people out on their behaviour but some relationships require a bit more nuance. It's a kind of cousin of greyrock which is also very helpful when dealing with certain people. Also, fancy thinking all pensioners lack the ability to read between the lines like they are all one big monolith.

Thank you for some great responses. The girls are my nieces and whilst I agree that as adults they should be able to speak up, I think they’re still seen as kids and it will be hard from them to break out of that. The next visit I’m going with them, but my sister their Mum can’t come hence me trying to prepare a bit. I love the wet fat technique (and that it had to be pointed out that it wasn’t literal!) and I’m going to bookmark this thread so I can take it with me when we see them. Come what May I’m not letting the girls feel bad, I just want to avoid a major falling out.

and whilst I agree that as adults they should be able to speak up, I think they’re still seen as kids and it will be hard from them to break out of that.

You say they're in their 20s but how old are they exactly?

And why do these women find it hard to 'break out' of being seen as kids?

I've never heard anything so strange!