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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate or not?

37 replies

threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:51

My DH, imo, has made a few inappropriate comments in the past but today I felt he insulted me, and probably my dil although she doesn’t know.
DH is 73 in case that’s relevant.
I was telling him I’d like to buy a gift that she had asked for from a well known family run store. He said, that instead of that I should be buying her sexy stuff from Ann Summers. I think if she heard him say that it would have grossed her out as she is a young woman.
I felt it was wholly inappropriate for him to say that to me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 08/09/2023 16:53

Ugh that's made me feel sick. Do you want to spend the rest of your one precious life with that creep?

Pippa12 · 08/09/2023 16:53

Why on earth would he say something like that about his DIL? How inappropriate. What did you say?

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:55

I’m glad you think the same as me @Pippa12 . I told him it wasn’t the right thing to say and inappropriate as far as I was concerned but he said he thought I was over reacting and that it was just a joke.😒

OP posts:
MarigoldMaud · 08/09/2023 16:57

Of course it’s inappropriate but the question is has he always been like this?

Ladybug14 · 08/09/2023 16:57

threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:55

I’m glad you think the same as me @Pippa12 . I told him it wasn’t the right thing to say and inappropriate as far as I was concerned but he said he thought I was over reacting and that it was just a joke.😒

That's certainly something someone with the start of dementia would say

They can lose the understanding of boundaries and appropriateness

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:59

It made me feel nauseous @OhComeOnFFS. We have been married a long time and to leave him over one comment would be ridiculous. However, he has made many inappropriate comments and behaviour over the years. He also has a life threatening disease so I would be seen as the “bad one”. He is charming to others but his real character shows up with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:05

When we were first married and inappropriate behaviour and comments started to become apparent, at first I thought it could be dementia. However, years and years of it don’t add up to dementia as things would certainly have become worse and other symptoms would have come in to play in that time. They haven’t. I strongly think he could be on the autistic spectrum. It certainly seems like he also has ADHD. I have worked with many similar clients through my social work @Ladybug14

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 08/09/2023 17:07

I could tell it wasn't the first time he'd said something like that because you would have been worrying about dementia or a brain tumour otherwise. Most men don't talk like that and if they start to in their 70s then there's usually a medical reason for it.

You're old enough not to care what others say about you. If you want to leave him, then do. If your son objects, then feel free to tell him what a creep his dad is. As for neighbours and friends, just say you couldn't live with him any more - nothing more needs to be said.

I imagine money is going to be part of your reason for staying but you will be OK - start a new thread on here if you like about that side of things.

Garihairy · 08/09/2023 17:08

He is charming to others but his real character shows up with me.

It was ever thus.

but he said he thought I was over reacting and that it was just a joke

No surprise that he turns it round to be you over reacting, nothing to do with him thinking inappropriate thoughts of his daughter in law. If he's so confident in his 'funny' Ann Summers idea would he say it direct to your DIL? Or your son? Or someone he wants to appear charming to? I very much doubt it because he knows it's not funny or appropriate.

Ladybug14 · 08/09/2023 17:08

threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:05

When we were first married and inappropriate behaviour and comments started to become apparent, at first I thought it could be dementia. However, years and years of it don’t add up to dementia as things would certainly have become worse and other symptoms would have come in to play in that time. They haven’t. I strongly think he could be on the autistic spectrum. It certainly seems like he also has ADHD. I have worked with many similar clients through my social work @Ladybug14

I see. Apologies. If he's always been this way, it's not dementia!

That was a really really inappropriate thing to say.... about your DILs gift

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 17:09

Grim

Conkersinautumn · 08/09/2023 17:13

It sounds like it's his personality. Yes people with ASD can be inappropriate with boundaries, but then additionally autism doesn't mean I.provements aren't made! Generally if you're prompting a person with asd about unwanted behaviour then there will be an improvement over time, especially when the right behaviour is modelled/ acknowledged.

If this is a pattern over many years and you're pulling g him up on it then I'd say he's a sleaze.

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:16

Thanks@Conkersinautumn. I think you may be right although sometimes when I question inappropriate behaviour he uses the line, “Well I thought it was ok. How am I supposed to know if no-one explains?”

OP posts:
Mistressanne · 08/09/2023 17:18

I’m sat here trying to imagine my dh talking about our dil inappropriately and I can’t because he just wouldn’t.
Your dh is a bit pervy . I feel sorry for you because I’ve known a couple of pervy men when I was younger and always thought their poor wives.
There’s something really creepy about men like your dh.
I think you need a serious talk about boundaries and inappropriate language and absolutely emphasise that you will stop socialising with him present if he’s going to carry on with this behaviour.

Saltyswee · 08/09/2023 17:20

Okay, it was icky. I would reprimand, but couldn’t get that upset about it. A flippant thoughtless attempt at humour.

Garihairy · 08/09/2023 17:28

threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:16

Thanks@Conkersinautumn. I think you may be right although sometimes when I question inappropriate behaviour he uses the line, “Well I thought it was ok. How am I supposed to know if no-one explains?”

Again, he's making it someone else's responsibility.

If he chooses to behave well in front of some people, he does know.

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:39

Thanks everyone for your replies. Sometimes it feels that I am the one who is too sensitive or going mad. Your replies have put it all in perspective for me. There are times when he can really be nice to me but there are so so many times where he does or says things I don’t feel comfortable with and I can’t forget them as they all add up in a bank of horribleness if that makes sense. Why don’t I bank the good times as well?
I am almost sure that no-one would believe me if I told them things that he has said over the years as it’s a usually said in private between the two of us.
I did have a relationship before I met my husband with a man who behaved badly and said inappropriate things. Why did I repeat this mistake? I have no idea! I could see myself losing many friends if I left him. They all think the sun shines out of him. 😞

OP posts:
Garihairy · 08/09/2023 19:16

Sometimes it feels that I am the one who is too sensitive or going mad.

That's what we have been trained to feel.

Your replies have put it all in perspective for me.

We are seeing it with no emotion or ties and often with experience.

I am almost sure that no-one would believe me if I told them things that he has said over the years as it’s a usually said in private between the two of us.

I told my rape crisis counsellor something my husband had said one night, an off the cuff remark about a woman on the TV, and she was shocked. She had probably heard it all doing the job she was but this shocked her.

I believe you. There will be people in your husband's life who won't want to know, it's a lot easier to ignore things that would otherwise mean they have to face up to unpleasant realities. Especially when they're not living with it.

Why did I repeat this mistake?

What was your parents' marriage like? I spent 30 years with my husband, putting up with all manner of abuse, because I didn't know any better. I thought put up and shut up was just what you did. When I discovered MN however many years ago that's when I started seeing that what I was living with wasn't normal.

Why don’t I bank the good times as well?

That's a good question. I too had an ever growing account at the bank of bad times. It wasn't until we were apart that I realised quite how abusive my husband had been and I then realised that all those good times were just a sham, a tool to keep me where he wanted me. Maybe our subconscious doesn't bank them to protect us?

I feel for you Flowers

catgirl1976 · 08/09/2023 19:18

If DH said something like this I would genuinely assume he had suffered some sort of medical issue. If it turned out that was not the case he’d be out the door

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/09/2023 19:21

Creepy pathetic loser. Totally vile.

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 19:23

Thank you @Garihairy. I feel for you too after reading your story. My parents’ marriage was a very long one of 65 + years. They were happy, acted as a team, backed each other up always. We children could never get away with anything. I was brought up to please others, treat people politely, have good manners and be loyal. Now after reading that I’ve realised I’m probably a walk over. 🤨

OP posts:
VeniVidiWeeWee · 08/09/2023 19:31

So a joke's out of the question then?

@AtrociousCircumstance

"Creepy pathetic loser. Totally vile."

Is misandry less vile?

Garihairy · 08/09/2023 19:32

I don't consider you to be a walkover, sometimes it takes an outside perspective to make you see things differently. Don't be hard on yourself Flowers

monsteramunch · 08/09/2023 20:31

VeniVidiWeeWee · 08/09/2023 19:31

So a joke's out of the question then?

@AtrociousCircumstance

"Creepy pathetic loser. Totally vile."

Is misandry less vile?

Where's the innate misandry in that poster's comment about a specific man who said a specific thing about a specific person?

It's not misandry to call a man who says something really creepy a creep.

Read OP's subsequent posts. Her partner clearly has form for saying and doing things that unsettle and upset her.

Original poster
threadripper · 09/09/2023 02:12

Something else I had put to the back of my mind…….he always revels in talking about child abuse cases from time to time such as the Catholic Church, Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris etc
I remember when we watched the tv series Rillington Place I was uneasy watching his reaction to the things Tim Roth (actor) did.
He also has watched a lot of porn in the past and makes sexual innuendoes that could be innocently explained away.

OP posts: