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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate or not?

37 replies

threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:51

My DH, imo, has made a few inappropriate comments in the past but today I felt he insulted me, and probably my dil although she doesn’t know.
DH is 73 in case that’s relevant.
I was telling him I’d like to buy a gift that she had asked for from a well known family run store. He said, that instead of that I should be buying her sexy stuff from Ann Summers. I think if she heard him say that it would have grossed her out as she is a young woman.
I felt it was wholly inappropriate for him to say that to me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
threadripper · 09/09/2023 02:16

I just have this gut feeling about him and it is making me wary? Nervous?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 09/09/2023 02:21

Whether he has autism or not, it's unlikely to be the cause of these appalling misogynistic remarks. Autistic people may not temper their words in quite the same way, but they don't voice opinions they don't hold, and an autistic person is no more likely to be a woman-hating creep than an NT person.

What you have there is a garden-variety male chauvinist pig. Moreover, he doesn't give a fuck how it makes you feel.

alpenguin · 09/09/2023 02:23

My bio- dad is a similar age and says stuff like that all the time and doesn’t think anything of it. They’re from a generation of men who don’t see objectifying women as a problem and believe they’re entitled to say that kind of thing. My dad makes it my problem when I tell him it’s inappropriate. I’m well aware he’s a dickhead, could your husband just be one of those? Some men managed to grow, change and develop from that way of thinking but you’d be surprised at the numbers who didn’t. GenX men are also really bad for this although they tend to hide it better with partners. I get annoyed when dementia inevitably gets brought up when in all reality he’s probably always been like that.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2023 02:23

Ah, I see things have moved on a bit. Get rid of him. He's dangerous.

Original poster
threadripper · 09/09/2023 02:46

@alpenguin yes, many men can be like that from that generation but it’s no excuse is it? I remember when my dear dad was alive, partially sighted and my DH and I were in the lift with him as we were going downstairs to the ground floor. My Dad was looking for the G button to press and DH kept saying to “press the G spot” while smirking at him. I was disgusted. Not funny.

OP posts:
Riapia · 09/09/2023 05:37

Drip drip drip.

Octosaurus · 09/09/2023 06:43

That's a really weird thing to say. Maybe he is trying to punish you because he resents you for something but doesn't want to directly say it so punishes you instead. This happened to my dad he turned all weird but that's because he had been convinced by his incel friend that he was being hard done by.
You should play fire with fire and make some remarks to him that DIL has joked about putting him in a home, or having some age related illness. It might shock him into realising his behaviour isn't okay and that other people can do it do if he's not careful

Maray1967 · 09/09/2023 07:21

I’d fire back hard here, asking him if he wants to be seen as a dirty old man. If not, pack it in.

Close friends of ours had to have firm words with both sets of parents whose casual racist comments were being made in front of their DC. Only when they spelled it out that visits would stop if they couldn’t control their language did the comments stop. We’re not talking about babies, but infant schoolers, one of whom had repeated a word in school. GPs thought it was funny, until their daughter spelled out the consequences.

rwalker · 09/09/2023 07:33

threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:05

When we were first married and inappropriate behaviour and comments started to become apparent, at first I thought it could be dementia. However, years and years of it don’t add up to dementia as things would certainly have become worse and other symptoms would have come in to play in that time. They haven’t. I strongly think he could be on the autistic spectrum. It certainly seems like he also has ADHD. I have worked with many similar clients through my social work @Ladybug14

Temporal frontal lobe dementia can be like this

they loose there filter lack boundaries and can’t judge what’s appropriate but they generally appear to be a totally coherent person

it magnifies there personality traits so if he was always like this but generally keep it to himself with this type of dementia what he thinks would just come straight out of there mouths

it is rare so while it’s a consideration it wouldn’t be my first one

HorseyHorsham · 09/09/2023 07:34

threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:16

Thanks@Conkersinautumn. I think you may be right although sometimes when I question inappropriate behaviour he uses the line, “Well I thought it was ok. How am I supposed to know if no-one explains?”

With these sort of deflecting replies you do have to tackle it head on.

”You’re supposed to know because you’re a functioning adult, and when you pretend you don’t know not to make lecherous comments about your own son’s wife no one, least of all me, believes you. Your bullshit pretending that someone should waste their time on ‘explaining’ to a known bullshitter is pathetic. You know perfectly well how to behave outside this house. I am your wife and your bullshit leching is really grim to watch, it really has made me lose respect for you.”

ActDottie · 09/09/2023 08:07

Omg ew wtf! Inappropriate!

Original poster
threadripper · 09/09/2023 09:13

That’s a consideration @rwalker . Thank you, I’ll look in to that.

@Riapia Not drip, drip, only replying to @alpenguin and giving an example.
That’s how a conversation operates.

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