I dont know what to do - am I in the wrong or is he

[UpsetConfusedddddd]

I am going to be very honest with my post here.

I met my BF 18 months ago.

I was still married but in the process of seperating but hadnt initiated it. I was worried about the house, my age and throwing away a marriage and I generally felt quite alone. I know it wasnt the best thing to do, however, I then told my husband I wanted to seperate and he moved out. I then told my BF who had been going on - ie I was still married and that I have now started proceedings.

He was upset but said everything made sense now. I told him I was sorry for wasting his time as I fully expected it to be over. He said he loves me too much and didnt want us to end.

I have unresolved issues now. I know I have and I am seeing a therapist. I know how easy it was to lie and I am now terrified my BF will do the same or is doing the same - how would i know?

The past few months havent been great and there have been may arguments about trust. He always brings up last year and I have told him repeatedely that I cant change last year and if he cant get past it, he shouldnt be with me as I cant be punished all the time.

We had a huge row on Sunday and Monday we promised things would be different and we both promised to stop all the silly stuff and to work towards the future we both want. Monday and Tuesday were bliss, they were perfect and I thought we were past it all.

On Wednesday, I had a really stressful day and we agreed he would come round for dinner. As he is allegeric to my dog, I left my work event, came home, dealt with my dog (good long walk, fed her), hoovered everywhere, cleaned everywhere and then went to start dinner for him arriving as I thought that would be nice. My hellofresh was actually ruined and some ingredients were off. This was the only thing I had in for dinner as we werent planning to have dinner together. He then arrived. It was a hot day, I felt stressed at now sitting down and having a minute since 6am (he came over at 9pm) and I felt annoyed now there was no dinner option. He sugest a takeaway and I agreed, every option I looked at, he didnt want and kept changing his mind - lets get pizza and wedges, no I dont want the wedges, just get the pizza, no I dont want to wait for delivery, lets go to supermarket and buy something, lets make somethiing from ingredients you have, actaully I am not that hungry. I just felt soo annoyed at the whole situation that I then said I would reheat something for myself (there was a tiny bit left) since he was no longer hungry and I did and I did give him silent treatment for 10 minutes as I was annoyed. He kepts trying to talk to me and when I suggested watching tv he said no. I then told him I was annoyed and he said I shouldnt have taken it out on him. He said I have broken my promise on Monday, destroyed his trust and he cant trust my words now. He then references all other arguments and referenced last year and called me a liar.

I have tried talking to him since and said I will communicate better before I am annoyed, or if I feel im getting annoyed, he said its not that simple. He doesnt trust my words now and he needs to see actions. He then proceeded to tell me the relationship has been shit for 4 months (with the arguments) and he is being like this because it is a sympton of putting up with me. He then said I was unreliable, untrustworth, not vulnerable, and talking to me is frustring him now.

I told him I would make changes but when he says things like that, why should I? As it sounds like he has checked out. He then got annoyed and said I have to stop reading his mind wrongly and that I dont trust him. He then hung up.

I called him back and said I would still come over tonight but we need a make or break conversation as I am not walking around on egg shells, I wont prove my words when he is being like this and I need him to meet me half way.

He said no, it is all my fault and I have caused all the arguments recently and this is the consequence. I then said i wanted him to think about if he actually wants this anymore He said he does. but I need to be vulnerable. I said I cant unless i see he hasnt checked out. He said its the consequence of my actions. Then hung up.

I dont know if I should accept that its over and leave it there

I dont know if I should give him space but it all feels over the top.

I dont know what to do and I cant cry anymore as I havemt done any work today and my head is killing me.

What do you think and please be honest.

For context, I wish I could take back last year. I felt so lonely and although me and husband were together offically we werent a proper couple. For 6 months straight we didnt talk, really, we would eat dinner seperately and had our own plans in the evenings and weekends. it was like living with a stranger. I shoul dhave ended it way sooner, especially before meeting someone else, that was very wrong and I do live regreting how I handled that situation. However, I dont want to be punished by someone when I punish myself on a daily basis.

Honestly, you need to grow up and maybe try some time alone to get yourself into a good place.

You’ve behaved very unfairly to two people and expect one to just ignore it. By you own admission you’ve had issues in the relationship for months. For everyone’s sake, end it now and focus on getting yourself well.

Also, how the hell was this ever going to work when your boyfriend is allergic to your dog?

Honestly, I think you need to walk away from this and spend some time figuring out what you really want. Your relationship started on a lie which continued for months, and now you've been arguing for months and it's reached a point where something as trivial as deciding what takeaway to order ends in a huge amount of upset. In the space of 18 months you've had an affair, separated from your DH and now you're in what sounds like another unhappy relationship. Maybe you just need to be on your own for a while?

Look, you can't behave in an untrustworthy way and then be mad if people are concerned you are untrustworthy. If you want to get over the infidelity, you are going to have to accept he has just cause for not trusting and work to earn his trust back.

I think the idea that you can have one conversation and then change as a person, or your relationship change and be perfect, is unrealistic and setting you up for failure. Life just isn't like that. Change is slow and takes time and consistent effort.

I wonder if couples therapy might give you both a chance to work things out? You post seems very black and white - as if things are either perfect or ruined. No relationship is really like that.

This relationship served a purpose (not condoning lying to either man, but what's done is done) in making you realise you needed to call time on your marriage. Don't limp along in another wrong relationship.

It sounds like you probably need to take some time alone and reevaluate. You've jumped from one relationship into another and lied your way through the start to both your BF and DH. It's a mess and a non starter as your BF clearly doesn't trust you. Lies are no way to start a relationship with anyone and it sounds like he's not going to be able to get past that.

How old are you, OP? The start of your post made it sound like you were worried about being left on the shelf but the rest of the post is exhausting, like, exhausting in a way that usually only the really young are in their relationships.

I would knock this on the head. You both sound prone to dramatics and flare ups over nothing, and your boyfriend doesn't appear to trust you. Not sure I'd trust you either in view of the way the relationship started but there's nowt you can to remedy that now. No point flogging a dead horse, just end it, learn from the experience, and move on.

It sounds like this relationship is too much hard work for both parties and ultimately doomed. I think you should end it and have time on your own for a while, continue the therapy and hopefully you’ll be in a better place to start a relationship in the future.

If you're 18 months in and having this many issues then maybe you should part. I think you should take at least 6 months before even thinking about dating, let alone another relationship.

It's not easy but you and your future you deserve happiness. Time will help you work out what you do want.

Yep I agree with PP. You need time on your own to build yourself back up and learn to rely on yourself. It won't be easy to start with, it will be lonely at times and probably miserable at first. If you can make a success of being alone then you will be massively advantaged in future relationships because you can known you're there because you WANT to be and not just because it's better than being alone.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Just to add the old MN clichés...... how old are you - twelve?..... and you sound like hard work...

This is way too much hard work. Take some time to yourself and do some training in how to have a healthy disagreement. It’s okay to have rows and disagreements but you need to know how to discuss and repair afterwards. You need to learn to communicate effectively.
The boyfriend is a waste of time and energy. Ditch him.

You jumped from one to the other and you'd probably benefit massively by actually just being on your own for a while and not rushing around putting expectations on yourself or taking on the expectations of others.

It's not as lonely as you think - misery in a relationship is much more lonely. You might even relish having the ability to be entirely self focused for a change.

Well he is the one that was wronged at the start and it is hardly surprising that he find you untrustworthy, but he probably should have walked away rather than let things limp on. The takeaway story is unbelievable, I cannot imagine something as simple as that being so difficult. This relationship is doomed, it seems like you would benefit from some time to yourself and then you can start your next relationship from a position of honesty.

When things are good they are the best.
He sadi i broke my promise of a fresh start.
Does that mean I can never have a disagreement ever again.
I just feel so confused

He has a built in excuse to always blame you and he's making very good use of it!

When was the last time you were single? Have you always jumped from one relationship to the next with lots of overlaps or did you just get a little too comfortable in your marriage as a set? Because you carried on in a clearly dead marriage for 6 months and only ended it when you had someone else lined up. Now you're doing the same with this. Be single for a year or two and learn to like your own company, you'll not put up with so much shit when you know that the alternative (being single) isn't actually that bad.

See him as the rebound relationship that he's turned out to be, take the high road, and dump him.

It sounds like, long term, it'll save you both a lot of bother.

Unfortunately I think is what he means and every time you do argue, this will be thrown in your face. It gives him the moral high ground, in his view

You should let this relationship go. It started on a terrible footing and he doesn't trust you. He should have walked away rather than drag it out but it's clearly over! You couldn't even make it through 3 days without giving him silent treatment over dinner plans!

I'm not sure a "fresh start" is realistic in this scenario. I know that some couples manage to recover from infidelity or other betrayals, so it is possible, but I imagine it's more achievable when you have a strong foundation built on years of love, trust and honesty. Your relationship literally started on a lie, and was built on continuing that lie. You can't just go back to how things were before the trust was broken, there is no 'before' to get back to iyswim.

This isn’t working. Who cares about who is right and wrong? So many arguments in a new relationship. For context I have been married 30+ years and obviously we have disagreements sometimes but full on arguments? Very rarely. We are far from perfect but this is far more normal than the dynamic you are in.

As others have said, you need time alone to learn to be on your own and think about what a healthy relationship looks like. The two you have recently had are both really unhealthy.

I found your post really hard to read. It sounds extremely messy and both of you sound like you are very argumentative. Good relationships should not be like that, especially in the early days. I think you should end it and have some time alone getting your head straight.

I think it’s very hard when relationships overlap. Initially if you get chosen you feel like the winner, you got him /her. After awhile you start wondering what if they do it to me. Do I really like this person or did they just act as a distraction and fill a hole. You need time. You have to be alone.

Ideally I would say you both need a break. Get together in a few weeks and start over. BUT you have to let the past go. You have to be prepared they may move on and that you may too.

This relationship seems really hard and he appears very non committal with his “I’m not hungry anymore” thing. I mean, what was that? 🥴

Personally I couldn’t be with someone who was allergic to animals. I’m allergic to cats but I love them, I’ve taken antihistamines, they aren’t allowed in my bedroom. That kind of thing…
I will always love animals, will always have one/two. If he’s seriously allergic and ‘measures’ don’t help then I’m not convinced this will work!

I stopped reading when you got to the 'allergic to my dog' as that would be a deal breaker for me straight away. You don't sound like you are ready for a relationship with anyone yet tbh. I think you should end it, concentrate on yourself, work out what you actually want from life and go from there.

What happened last year happened. But from your post it sounds like he just can't get past it. He agreed to a fresh start but after a minor disagreement he throws it all in your face again. You're always going to have minor disagreements and have times of being irritated with each other - that's life. I don't understand what he expects of you and how your current behaviour is indicating to him that you're untrustworthy etc. He said you need to show through actions that he can trust you etc but what does he say youre actually doing currently to break that trust?. Ignoring him for 10 minisnt great either though. But in the context of what happened the other night I don't think uou did anything massively wrong other than be tired and grumpy.

If you stay together you will continue to be punished forever. He can say fresh start all he likes but he clearly can't turn his feelings off about it which is fair enough