I am going to be very honest with my post here.
I met my BF 18 months ago.
I was still married but in the process of seperating but hadnt initiated it. I was worried about the house, my age and throwing away a marriage and I generally felt quite alone. I know it wasnt the best thing to do, however, I then told my husband I wanted to seperate and he moved out. I then told my BF who had been going on - ie I was still married and that I have now started proceedings.
He was upset but said everything made sense now. I told him I was sorry for wasting his time as I fully expected it to be over. He said he loves me too much and didnt want us to end.
I have unresolved issues now. I know I have and I am seeing a therapist. I know how easy it was to lie and I am now terrified my BF will do the same or is doing the same - how would i know?
The past few months havent been great and there have been may arguments about trust. He always brings up last year and I have told him repeatedely that I cant change last year and if he cant get past it, he shouldnt be with me as I cant be punished all the time.
We had a huge row on Sunday and Monday we promised things would be different and we both promised to stop all the silly stuff and to work towards the future we both want. Monday and Tuesday were bliss, they were perfect and I thought we were past it all.
On Wednesday, I had a really stressful day and we agreed he would come round for dinner. As he is allegeric to my dog, I left my work event, came home, dealt with my dog (good long walk, fed her), hoovered everywhere, cleaned everywhere and then went to start dinner for him arriving as I thought that would be nice. My hellofresh was actually ruined and some ingredients were off. This was the only thing I had in for dinner as we werent planning to have dinner together. He then arrived. It was a hot day, I felt stressed at now sitting down and having a minute since 6am (he came over at 9pm) and I felt annoyed now there was no dinner option. He sugest a takeaway and I agreed, every option I looked at, he didnt want and kept changing his mind - lets get pizza and wedges, no I dont want the wedges, just get the pizza, no I dont want to wait for delivery, lets go to supermarket and buy something, lets make somethiing from ingredients you have, actaully I am not that hungry. I just felt soo annoyed at the whole situation that I then said I would reheat something for myself (there was a tiny bit left) since he was no longer hungry and I did and I did give him silent treatment for 10 minutes as I was annoyed. He kepts trying to talk to me and when I suggested watching tv he said no. I then told him I was annoyed and he said I shouldnt have taken it out on him. He said I have broken my promise on Monday, destroyed his trust and he cant trust my words now. He then references all other arguments and referenced last year and called me a liar.
I have tried talking to him since and said I will communicate better before I am annoyed, or if I feel im getting annoyed, he said its not that simple. He doesnt trust my words now and he needs to see actions. He then proceeded to tell me the relationship has been shit for 4 months (with the arguments) and he is being like this because it is a sympton of putting up with me. He then said I was unreliable, untrustworth, not vulnerable, and talking to me is frustring him now.
I told him I would make changes but when he says things like that, why should I? As it sounds like he has checked out. He then got annoyed and said I have to stop reading his mind wrongly and that I dont trust him. He then hung up.
I called him back and said I would still come over tonight but we need a make or break conversation as I am not walking around on egg shells, I wont prove my words when he is being like this and I need him to meet me half way.
He said no, it is all my fault and I have caused all the arguments recently and this is the consequence. I then said i wanted him to think about if he actually wants this anymore He said he does. but I need to be vulnerable. I said I cant unless i see he hasnt checked out. He said its the consequence of my actions. Then hung up.
I dont know if I should accept that its over and leave it there
I dont know if I should give him space but it all feels over the top.
I dont know what to do and I cant cry anymore as I havemt done any work today and my head is killing me.
What do you think and please be honest.