To wonder what’s happened to my lovely daughter.

[CameronS]

My daughter is nearly 10 years old and Im feeling really down about her behaviour and was hoping for some advice.

She was the kindest, warmest and most affectionate little toddler and infant, however as the years have passed, we see less and less of this. I know some of this will be age appropriate, but at times, I feel like she has lost so many of her lovely qualities. I feel awful writing that 😢

She has a younger sister who is 7 and she is just always causing problems for her, bossing her around etc. Her younger sister will try to give her a hug and she’ll push her away. She’ll try to sit with her at dinner and she’ll complain and say she doesn’t want to. She will hug DH and I but will not show any affection or even kindness towards her little sister. DD2 feels rejected and unwanted, which I then have to overcompensate for in order to protect her feelings. Then DD1 feels like I’m giving more attention to DD2 and gets upset.

She literally never puts anything away. For example, she’ll just drop wrappers on the floor wherever she is, rather than put them in the bin. Will leave her clothes on the floor wherever she takes them off. Wears dirty shoes all through the house despite her knowing to take them off at the door. I’ve tried the reminding her politely and I’m just so fed up of having to chase her up for all these things. It’s not just occasional, it’s literally everything. I have to ask her repeatedly and it’s wearing me down.

She doesn’t listen to me. For instance, the other day she asked me to take her to the trampoline park. I explained we couldn’t go because the car was in the garage. She just kept going on and on about it, despite being a smart girl and understanding that there’s no physical way we can get there. Begging me to take her despite knowing I can’t. It’s as if she’s just trying to wind me up.

She never uses manners. I have to remind her every time. She interrupts me every time Im speaking to other adults and will keep going despite me telling her to wait as I’m mid conversation. She’ll tug my arm to physically get my attention and say “mummy, mummy, mummy” on repeat. It’s embarrassing at her age. Particularly because she definitely knows how to behave and is choosing to act this way. Also, I’ve taught her to wait her turn and if she’s been waiting a while and hasn’t had a chance to speak, to say excuse me.

I absolutely love her to pieces and tell her so every day. I spend lots of time with her. Read with her, cuddle her, play board games, watch movies and go for lots of fun trips out, but her behaviour is just declining and has been for about the last 2 years and I’ve tried the approach of just being as nurturing as I can but it’s not working.

i have recently started giving my kids a little treat on a Friday for good behaviour. I have been unable to give DD1 anything so far as her behaviour hasn’t been good enough. I don’t expect perfect, but I do expect her to make an effort to some degree. Today will be the 2nd week I’ll have to give her little sister something and not her. I don’t know if this is the wrong approach? I have been desperately looking for any good behaviour to praise her for this week but it’s hard to find things.

she complains about everything, from her hair not looking exactly how she wants it to (when I try to do the style she’s asked for - and am actually pretty good with hair), to what her school snack is.

im just running out of ideas and feel like a bad parent. 😢 How can I be a better mum for her and teach her to be the kinder, more grateful and caring girl that I know she can be?

Thanks.

She’s growing up and pushing boundaries. It’s normal,’if not frustrating.

You would have done the same as a child. It’s how they find their place in the world

How is she at school? What are her friends like?
She’s pre-teen and she does sound envious of DD2,
how strict have you been with her? If it were me, I’d be enforcing stricter rules around her attitude and manners

Little sisters are fucking irritating. She's just a pushing boundaries.

Yep, boundaries are being pushed.

But, be careful... she will probably blame her sister forever for everything... "you love her more", "you give her more than me", "you are always on HER side".

Sounds like you are demonstrating you love her and providing her a safe haven etc. Not sure there is a lot more you can do. But would not put reward systems in place where they compare/ compete with each other... they will feel it is a comparison... "nothing for you again"... "here you go little sis"

We found with our daughters (18 months apart) that it is swings and roundabouts. Firmness is key. My dialogue was "Don't drop that, put it in the bin now please"...."why not?"..."why do you expect me to do it for you?"..."no bin, no biscuit next time" I was like a dripping tap sometimes but never an option for inaction meaning no consequence.

She has a younger sister who is 7 and she is just always causing problems for her, bossing her around etc. Her younger sister will try to give her a hug and she’ll push her away. She’ll try to sit with her at dinner and she’ll complain and say she doesn’t want to. She will hug DH and I but will not show any affection or even kindness towards her little sister. DD2 feels rejected and unwanted

Story of my life.

I feel so bad for your younger daughter.

I had this my whole childhood with my big sister. She just got more cruel and sometimes evil with me.

We are in our 30's and 40s now and we haven't spoken in years.

The only thing I can say is please domt encourage your younger daughter to keep trying. Build her up to not need attention from her sister.
Also dont encourage your older child to play with her sister. Itll be constant rejection. I was forced to keep trying with my sister and it broke me.
I felt guilty every time I stopped talkin to her to protect myself.

I dont think theres anything wrong with withholding a treat because of cruel or bad behaviour.

you are a great mum and you have not failed. it's just a process and probably she has entered a phase where she needs a little more discipline? I would be putting firm boundaries in place with consistent consequences.

She's heading towards the teenage years, which are, often, a nightmare.😳

Lay down some boundaries, accept that when hormones come in through the door that brains snd good manners fly out of the window, and brace yourself...lol

It does pass though.😉

2 things might be worth considering. Age inappropriate behaviour can be down to developmental issues such as neurodivergence. The second and this comes from a very similar experience of having two DDs as well, our eldest with ASD. DD1 really didn’t like DD2 when we brought her to a therapist relating to ASD issues the therapist put the analogy to us about DD1 losing her status as an only child as being similar to your DH arriving home with another woman he had taken as his second wife and him telling you not to be worried he would love you both equally. That hit home about some of the behaviour from DD1. They get on brilliantly now, we have really worked on it.

Thanks so much for all the advice and reassurance. She’s fine at school. Friends seem okay too. The thing that I find hardest to deal with is her treatment of her younger sister.

DD2 does have her moments. She has emotional outbursts but will quickly apologise and be so upset with herself over it. Whereas DD1 always blames others for things she has done wrong. Is never apologetic and never acts accountable for anything. Therefore, I will forgive DD2 despite the outbursts however DD1 ends up in trouble for longer, simply because she argues the toss, relentlessly. So DD1 then gets mad saying that I’m not being fair to her. I don’t know how to deal with that better. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think you need to separate some of these issues. The little sister thing, tbh you can't do much about if she doesn't want to be sisterly with her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to be cuddly with her if she doesn't want to. There should be a line in terms of being polite and not being awful to her sister but you can't force them together.

The rest of it sounds like boundary pushing, normal but a pain in the arse. I would have zero tolerance to shoes in the house and chucking rubbish on the floor. Mess like that she should clear up herself or have a consequence. I also think you should be tougher on manners. If she's just generally complaining, being a bit of an arse I would be inclined to ignore that and praise better behaviour, no matter how small.

We had a turning point... it was awful. I was awful.

Their grandad had a fall on his birthday. We were supposed to be going for a meal, and she went on and on and on about missing out on her favourite place to eat. I turned to her (she was 12) and just said "FFS today is not about you, he's hurt, come help or sit there and whine, I've had it".

She helped... with teary eyes, i felt so mean. But it was a turning point. (She did not realise to that day that I knew any swear words - which helped).

I wonder if there has been a bit of an expectation there that they will be close because they are sisters. I think much is made in society of the 'sister best-friends' and often there is pressure to live up to this.

I remember feeling a bit sad when my DS was born that DD wouldn't have a sister. Then as they grew up I witnessed my friends who had multiple girls and I changed my mind 😂. Ironically my DD and DS are really close, but I wonder if I would have pushed it as much had they not been, IYSWIM.

Maybe let go of the idea that they 'should' get on because they are sisters, and focus on spending quality time with them apart. Recognise them as a complete unit on their own rather than part of a pair?

It must be really hard to accept that they are not as close as you'd like but maybe by taking the pressure off their relationship might improve?

Highly recommend the book ‘’Get out of my life… but first take me and Alex into town’. This is perfect pre-teen moment to read it and it’s a game changer!

I have 2 boys and experienced similar. When younger eldest loved his little bro. Then hit pre teen and couldn’t stand him. Younger also is ND and found it difficult to understand him as he got older. Lots of fighting and being mean. He’s 16 now and out the other side of it. They have a common hobby they talk about and older is helping younger find equipment for it and is actually looking forward to him being at the same school again next year.

big sigh of relief here as it was awful for years but explanations and reasoning did nothing. It was just time and maturing that solved it

This doesn't sound awful at all - sounds like she needed some straight talking tbh.

You can’t force sisters to like each other, sadly.

Very true

Me and my sister never got along. She bullied me terribly to the point where my parents let me get a lock for my bedroom door.

I now haven’t spoken to her in 7 years. It’s been bliss

I think you need to drop the expectation that she should be cuddly towards her sister and want to spend time with her. Siblings often don't get on, and too many parents place emphasis on giving their dc a sibling as they'll have a 'friend for life'. Usually not the case. She shouldn't be rude though.

I think instant consequences work better than- 'you didn't behave on Monday so you're not getting a treat on Friday'. There's not enough incentive.

I agree about the need to insist on manners, taking shoes off and so on. I wonder if more autonomy would help? Eg if she's moaning about the wrong snacks, can you give her some cash and send her to the shop to choose and buy something she likes? Or suggest she bakes some cereal bars/ flapjack/ cake? It sounds as if you do a lot with and for her but perhaps she would benefit from taking more responsibility for herself?

If she doesn't get on well with her sister, forcing the issue will only build resentment.

Also in her eyes, you are heavily favouring the younger sister. Stop giving treats for good behaviour. Week after week of seeing her sister get treats while she is denied them over things that have happened earlier on in the week is just another element of resentment and entirely unhelpful.

Look into possible neurodivergence if you are concerned this behaviour is a huge change or unexpected for her age.

For all the folk saying she’s “just pushing boundaries” - no. This behaviour isn’t normal and definitely not at 10 fgs. Dropping wrappers, rudeness, constant interrupting, being mean - absolutely they’ll try this stuff when young but it’s up to you to nip it right in the bud and teach that it’s not acceptable. OP it sounds like you’ve been trying to mollycoddle her through this but it also sounds like it’s time for some straight talking and tough love. There’s not a chance I would have stood for this behaviour when my kids were that age. If they acted up they were given a chance to correct themselves and I would explain the consequences if they didn’t (keeping them realistic, as in “we’re leaving the party if you don’t stop xxxx behaviour” “I’ll be putting back the treat you picked on the shelf” not “well if you keep acting like that you’re not going to Disneyland next year/Santa Claus won’t visit”). I see sooo many parents not following through on the consequences of their children’s actions with the result that the kids very quickly learn to completely ignore them.

Next time little sister tries to hug her, maybe try and say Little sister, big sister doesn’t want a hug right now, she has said no so please can you listen to her. You don’t have to shout at little sister, but will show big sis you are on her side for once and that little sis can’t expect hugs. Small things like that might make a big difference maybe?

just to encourage you it might not always be awful - I was an absolute witch to my sister from 8-14. She annoyed me, she got SO. MUCH. ATTENTION. And she followed me around trying to cuddle me and copy me endlessly.

I just wanted to get away from her.

when I hit about 15 a switch flipped - and I started feeling much more protective of her. Missed her terribly when I left home for uni.

age 38 (to her 34) - she’s my best friend in the world.

I was the same when I was younger and absolutely awful to my younger sister. For me I was acting out because I had quite an emotionally dysfunctional home life and my parents didn’t know how to deal with me displaying emotions. Not saying that’s the case for your daughter but, from my experience, the things I wish my parents had done was 1. Never compare me to others (my dad would always tell me ‘xxx wouldn’t behave like this’ ‘xxx doesn’t cry’) 2. Let me experience emotions, it’s ok to be upset and angry and a child doesn’t have to squash these feelings (but equally it’s better to be encouraged to talk about why a child feels those feelings rather than having meltdowns). My parents would belittle me for getting upset in their attempt to make me stop 3. Gave me stricter boundaries. My parents got to the point where they seemed to walk on eggshells because of my behaviour and let me do whatever I want, let me choose what was on tv etc. They should have parented me, nipped bad behaviour in the bud and just simply have not have allowed it.

of course you need to show compassion and understanding to both of your children but try to understand what the reason is for her acting this way and put some firm boundaries in place