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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend being an asshole or am I too sensitive? Infertility related

59 replies

Webl · 08/09/2023 13:37

I’ve recently come out of a ten year battle with infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. I’m now miraculously a mother for the first and most like only time to a lovely one month old. I met up with a friend the other day for a coffee and she met baby for the first time, whilst we were chatting she told me about a news item she’d seen on YouTube about a couple struggling to get pregnant for years and they found out it was because he was ‘putting it in the wrong hole’. She found this hilarious. I don’t know if I’m just being ridiculous and sensitive but I felt like saying why would you tell me about this? It felt like she was mocking my struggles and pain. AIBU?

OP posts:
Allschoolsareartschools · 08/09/2023 14:02

I'd definitely put her into acquaintance rather than friend as you both sound very different.
She probably didn't mean anything but it wasn't the best story to tell. I certainly wouldn't have told it to a very new mum who'd had years of infertility to cope with.
But people are idiots sometimes, we can't control what they say but we don't have to keep meeting up to listen.

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2023 14:02

It’s a funny story. I’ve had fertility struggles and wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this.

Mariposista · 08/09/2023 14:14

The story is hilarious. Lighten up!

Original poster
Webl · 08/09/2023 14:16

HelterSkelter224 · 08/09/2023 13:55

First of all I can't believe some of the posts on here.

I think if your friend had shared that with you in 6 months or a year's time you won't have had the same reaction, and I'm sure your friend didn't mean to cause you any hurt. But you are still raw from the trauma of ten years of infertility, the repeated and relentless pain and trauma of fertility treatment and if you're anything like me still a little bit in shock and disbelief that your baby is here, and that it's YOUR baby. So you're absolutely not being unreasonable. Unless people have been through infertility it's so hard to even imagine how hard the entire experience is and that includes after a baby has arrived.

I've seen a few posts here saying "you have your baby now" "just enjoy your baby". For people having gone through a long infertility journey it's simply not that easy. If only it was.

Congrats on your new baby, please reach out if you'd like a chat, I know what you've suffered xx

Thank you
You’re right, the trauma doesn’t end when you get your baby. People understand the pain of miscarriage which I’ve also had but there seems to be zero understanding of infertility

OP posts:
Original poster
Webl · 08/09/2023 14:20

KimberleyClark · 08/09/2023 13:58

I struggled with infertility too and also got comments like “you want to get some beers down him” or “are you doing it often enough”. It’s gobsmacking what people actually think is ok to say.

Show quote history

I agree. It feels like anything goes with infertility. People think you’re fair game for a laugh because it’s not as obvious as miscarriage etc

OP posts:
Janieforever · 08/09/2023 14:20

Webl · 08/09/2023 13:53

@Emz6103 She has form for making ‘funny’ comments. Years ago she actually did joke about whether DH was ‘putting it in the wrong hole’ which really hurt so this reminded me of that time. I’ve always been wary of her. I wouldn’t really call her a friend any more. More of an acquaintance

I guess we are all different, I’m really bemused by your upset at this, I’m actually thinking he might have been, that’s how bemused I am at why you’re upset. For me it’s a funny story or comment.

I guess you just don’t get her sense of humour. You clearly don’t like her really so stop pretending snd looking to take offence.

missmollygreen · 08/09/2023 14:20

Its not all about you OP, grow up

Prinnny · 08/09/2023 14:23

YABU, you got your baby, hopefully the wrong hole couple do too 🤣

RainyDuvetDay · 08/09/2023 14:39

In the nicest way I think you're being a bit oversensitive. I'm 8 years into infertility struggles so I completely empathize with how sensitive a topic it can be, but I read that story myself and thought wtf?! It's too bizarre not to be shared so I don't think your friend meant anything by it.

Congratulations on your baby 💐

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/09/2023 14:43

YANBU Your friend is insensitive. There is a time and a place for jokes and it's not funny to joke about this with someone who has had a long battle with infertility. To those saying "you have your baby now", do you really think that makes insensitivity ok? Having her baby now does not make her ten year infertility battle vanish. That's just as bad as telling someone who suffered birth trauma that "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters", no, that isn't all that matters, Mum's emotional well-being matters too!

Original poster
Webl · 08/09/2023 14:50

Thank you for all your comments. I agree I shouldn’t keep meeting someone I don’t like the hat much, I think I’ll just let this friendship slide

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 08/09/2023 14:51

YABU
Not everything is about you.

I shared this story with lots of people as it was quite funny but most of all really sad that some people are not taught about their anatomy or sex.
That poor woman must have been in a lot of pain and they must have thought it was normal.

If you don’t like her very much then just distance yourself from her.

Everything can be offensive if you are looking for things to be offended about.

Psychonabike · 08/09/2023 14:51

The life lesson here is that if she isn't a trusted source of information and advice, then anything you might feel is criticism isn't relevant either.

You say she's just an acquaintance with some shared history...so let it go.

A useful trick is to move from "why did they say that to me" to "why did they say that" i.e. shift the focus to them:

She thought it was funny
She didn't read the room
She doesn't have the life experience to recognise that this might be triggering
She still feels silly/embarrassed about her wrong hole comment to you and wanted to make you aware that it does happen to deal with being embarrassed
She likes to minimise infertility experiences by sharing stories that shame people who've struggled

Make a list, decide on the most likely and least likely options, and let it go.

This approach reminds you that almost 100% of what comes out of anyone's mouth is about them, not you.

But if the last one on the list actually applies, then obviously this is a friendship to draw a line under!

Original poster
Webl · 08/09/2023 14:52

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/09/2023 14:43

YANBU Your friend is insensitive. There is a time and a place for jokes and it's not funny to joke about this with someone who has had a long battle with infertility. To those saying "you have your baby now", do you really think that makes insensitivity ok? Having her baby now does not make her ten year infertility battle vanish. That's just as bad as telling someone who suffered birth trauma that "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters", no, that isn't all that matters, Mum's emotional well-being matters too!

Thank you @ReadingSoManyThreads Thats exactly it. People don’t joke about certain things, but others are ok to laugh about…

OP posts:
Castlerock44 · 08/09/2023 14:52

Was it fair there only men had to go off fighting in wars. Only men got called up, was that fair?

cocksstrideintheevening · 08/09/2023 14:53

Castlerock44 · 08/09/2023 14:52

Was it fair there only men had to go off fighting in wars. Only men got called up, was that fair?

Eh?

PinkRoses1245 · 08/09/2023 14:55

I do think it was a misplaced and mistimed comment, but she might have just thought she was sharing a funny story. Only you and your partner know what you went through, it can be hard to relate when you haven't experienced it. If she's only an acquaintance you can easily not see her again

Tandora · 08/09/2023 14:58

OP have you paid any attention at all to the majority of posters saying YABU?
of course having a baby isn’t going to end the trauma of your fertility struggles and people shouldn’t make those kinds of comments, but this isn’t about that. This was just a silly story about a situation entirely different to yours. I don’t think your friend meant to imply that you were putting it in the wrong hole! I think you are reading into something that isn’t there.

Fillette · 08/09/2023 14:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cowlover89 · 08/09/2023 15:01

Yabu

Ella31 · 08/09/2023 15:06

And that's interesting because I've had two terrible miscarriages and don't believe people understand the pain of miscarriage, in fact I used to get the comment "at least you can get pregnant " all the time. Yet you made an assumption there.

However I had to stop taking offence to this, just like you either accept your friend for her humour or drop her.

Gazelda · 08/09/2023 15:15

How would you feel OP if you discovered someone you refer to as a friend calls you an arsehole?

Cas112 · 08/09/2023 15:19

YABU🙄

Cockerdileteeth · 08/09/2023 15:20

I agree with @Fillette .

I remember a particular sense of dislocation after DS was born - that I was in the mum's club now and everyone seemed to have immediate collective amnesia that I'd taken the long way round...whereas I still "knew" myself as someone struggling with infertility who happened to be one of the lucky ones who get to bring home a baby thanks to science.

I would be OK with those sorts of stories, comments and jokes now. Though the infertility is and always will be a part of the person I am, it's not raw. But not when I was where you are now.

Don't be too hard on your friend, though, for not intuiting how it would feel to you. You maybe have to have trodden the same path, to get it.

FreeRider · 08/09/2023 15:25

Not everything is about you.

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