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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my mum?

34 replies

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 08/09/2023 07:47

I’m planning a wedding. My mum, who has worked in events and food, is annoyed that I’m hiring in caterers rather than letting her do the food on the day. I told her I’d like her to be there to support me, to walk me down the aisle, to be relaxed and friendly with guests - not managing staff all day, not stressed and shouty about the food and things going wrong in the kitchen, not nowhere to be seen when she should be the bride’s mother sitting down at the top table. Her response: “well I’m not good at being nice and I hate enjoying myself, but fine, don’t involve me in any of the organisation and I’ll just turn up on the day with nothing to do”.

I feel upset and frankly offended that she doesn’t want to just be there for me, instead she wants to treat it as a job so that she’s not bored or annoyed about the food because she’s not in control of it. So we’ve had a row about this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
anothertrainwreck · 08/09/2023 07:54

YANBU. There might be some who will say that she wants to do this for you because she loves you and wants to show you and you should let her play to her strengths, but her attitude is not what love is. Even if attending a wedding “just” as a guest is outside of her comfort zone, she should obviously put that aside for her daughter’s wedding!

ringmybe11 · 08/09/2023 07:59

This is a difficult one - you're not being unreasonable but clearly your mum feels really uncomfortable for whatever reason. Could you give her another job or purpose on the day as it sounds like she needs this? Could be something much lower key like sorting out florist or cake or confirming times with the venue? Something she can say she sorted out or helped with? Your other option is try and get to the bottom of why she's so upset to not be doing the catering. I feel for you - weddings aren't easy. I had a tiny family one this year and there were still stresses and difficulties.

SallyWD · 08/09/2023 08:08

I find her attitude strange and insensitive! Maybe she finds the "mother of the bride" business stressful and she'd be more comfortable working on the day? Either way, she should do what you want.

Notsuredontknow · 08/09/2023 08:09

YNBU. Her ego is hurt because she feels you haven’t chosen her to do what she is an expert in. But of course it makes complete sense why you’ve made that decision! Do you have someone who could have a subtle word on your behalf? Without it being obvious it’s come from you? A kind of “what a shame she couldn’t have you do the catering but you’ve got a much more important role to play on the big day!” type comment? Once she’s sees it from that perspective I’m sure she’ll feel silly for kicking up a fuss. Weddings do tend to turn people crazy so try not to hold a grudge about it once she comes round. Good luck!

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 08:11

Perhaps her sense of herself and her feeling of being of value comes from being able to contribute in this way. I can imagine feeling like that myself- I like to cook, am good at it, and enjoy creating a warm atmosphere through making food. I think I would be very pleased if any of my kids asked me to contribute to their wedding by cooking, and I would feel I was being treated like a guest if not asked to help out at all. Being a guest at a child's wedding could make me feel a bit useless: kept at a distance.

I am not saying you should ask her to cook or cater! Obviously, this wedding is not about her-
I am just musing about why she might feel like that and say what she did. I can imagine, on a bad day, saying (or at least thinking to myself) exactly what your mother said: “well I’m not good at being nice and I hate enjoying myself, but fine, don’t involve me in any of the organisation and I’ll just turn up on the day with nothing to do”.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 08:16

Shes probably always hoped to cater at your wedding. She's clearly proud of her work so perhaps sees it as you not thinking she's good enough. I too only really enjoy a wedding when I have something to do. I hate small talk and sitting around. but it is your wedding so she needs to keep all these feelings to herself

SurelyBassey · 08/09/2023 08:20

It's about your day not hers. Very churlish of her imo

junebirthdaygirl · 08/09/2023 08:22

She will be glad on the day as she would be stressed out of her mind. You were right not to ask her as her mother role is a very different one to caterer. Could she do the evening before meal for the two families or something?
Otherwise just ignore her she is being very unreasonable and actually rude and insensitive.

dramadealings · 08/09/2023 08:46

I love cooking and entertaining and seeing people eat good food. It's how I show people I care, so in a way I understand a little bit of where she's coming from. However if I had the option to attend a wedding in my nice frock, drink wine and float about with no responsibility all day, I'd grab it with both hands. 😁

Maybe you could put her in charge of overseeing the catering in advance? She could be the point of contact between them and you?

But basically she just needs to chill and be 'mum' for the day, not cook!

RunningFromInsanity · 08/09/2023 08:57

If she’s being this difficult about not doing the food, imagine how difficult she will be when she’s actually in charge of doing it!

CandyLeBonBon · 08/09/2023 09:58

Op I'm a wedding photographer and I completely get your perspective and have said to all of my 3 that I'd never be offended if they chose another professional so that I can spend the day with them, if they ever chose to get married!

You're her daughter, not her client!

IndysMamaRex · 08/09/2023 11:22

I would have thought she’d be happy of the break. Your trying to do something nice & make the day more enjoyable for her so she’s not stressing about the food etc & can just enjoy being mother if the bride.

I can see she might want to contribute to the day & that’s lovely that she clearly wants to. But she is by being there for you when your getting ready etc, walking down the aisle. Just tell her you want her to be mum for the day not be someone you’ve hired. Or maybe see if there is something she could do in the way of planning/managing the caterers so everything runs smoothly?…if the ones you’ve hired would be happy with that

PopperBo · 08/09/2023 11:23

This rings of a mother desperate to take centre stage, many would do this through the MoB role but here she feels she can use her skills to get more praise (and take the attention) from others through catering the wedding on your special day. Does she have other narcissistic tendencies?

DearNora · 08/09/2023 11:26

I dont think you are being unreasonable, however, this seems like it was your mums way of contributing, and you have basically gave her one job to someone else - ie may make her think that she wasnt good enough and you would rather have strangers

HectorSalamanca · 08/09/2023 11:27

I love cooking and entertaining and seeing people eat good food. It's how I show people I care

Yes, lots of people enjoy this. Family parties etc., but mass catering your daughter's wedding is a bit different than throwing a dinner party.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 08/09/2023 11:30

I’m sorry but I’d be upset too. My dad was a florist, he’d have been gutted if I’d used a different florist for my wedding. I know your intentions were really sweet but I totally get how your mum has received it.
Can your mum not do the food AND be there for you?

Mummyof287 · 08/09/2023 11:41

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 08/09/2023 07:47

I’m planning a wedding. My mum, who has worked in events and food, is annoyed that I’m hiring in caterers rather than letting her do the food on the day. I told her I’d like her to be there to support me, to walk me down the aisle, to be relaxed and friendly with guests - not managing staff all day, not stressed and shouty about the food and things going wrong in the kitchen, not nowhere to be seen when she should be the bride’s mother sitting down at the top table. Her response: “well I’m not good at being nice and I hate enjoying myself, but fine, don’t involve me in any of the organisation and I’ll just turn up on the day with nothing to do”.

I feel upset and frankly offended that she doesn’t want to just be there for me, instead she wants to treat it as a job so that she’s not bored or annoyed about the food because she’s not in control of it. So we’ve had a row about this.

AIBU?

She sounds like a stroppy teenager!! YADNBU!!

FabulouslyFab · 08/09/2023 11:46

I’ve been the Mum at three weddings and honestly I felt lost. Im divorced and I’m not very good at small talk. I would’ve been much happier if I had a job to do and a reason to chat to people.
is your mum feeling the same?

CharlotteBog · 08/09/2023 11:47

I don't see how you can possibly accommodate anyone who says they hate enjoying themselves TBH.

PackBacker · 08/09/2023 11:48

Could you give her another job to do?

RJnomore1 · 08/09/2023 11:52

I hate enjoying myself 😂

if usually she’s quite sane sit her down and tell her on that day you need her to be your mum and not a member of support staff.

Notsuredontknow · 08/09/2023 11:56

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 08/09/2023 11:30

I’m sorry but I’d be upset too. My dad was a florist, he’d have been gutted if I’d used a different florist for my wedding. I know your intentions were really sweet but I totally get how your mum has received it.
Can your mum not do the food AND be there for you?

Florist is a bit different because the work is largely done before the big day. But anyway, its Ops wedding day. How exhausting for her to have to accommodate immediate family’s wishes regarding the roles they want to play! Always baffles me how people get so precious about weddings. We had the same with in-laws and it was draining and really put a dampener on the build up for my poor DH

Doone21 · 08/09/2023 16:11

I'd be offended too , maybe you didn't make it clear that she's more important to you than how smoothly the event goes or how perfect the food is. She obviously feels overlooked and enjoys her work and is good at it and probably looked forward to making your day perfect. Just keep talking it through. I'm sure you'll work it out.

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2023 16:16

She's obviously being unreasonable but maybe she's secretly dreamed of making your wedding meal for years and is hence is taking this harder than you'd have anticipated.*

*Assuming she is otherwise rational and reasonable.

Manthide · 08/09/2023 17:54

FabulouslyFab · 08/09/2023 11:46

I’ve been the Mum at three weddings and honestly I felt lost. Im divorced and I’m not very good at small talk. I would’ve been much happier if I had a job to do and a reason to chat to people.
is your mum feeling the same?

I felt a bit like that at my two eldest dd's weddings. At dd2's wedding the mother of the groom was obviously very used to socialising and good at small talk whilst I'm quite shy and not very confident. I did feel like a loose end.
At dd1's wedding just after covid she was restricted to 30 people so I felt much better as it was basically close family. Still the mother of the groom made the wedding cake but we all decorated the room etc. She had caterers for the wedding breakfast but we all mucked in cooking pizzas etc for the evening buffet. I think it'd be nice for her to have a small role.