To be upset by my mum?

[DoubleChocolateBrownies]

I’m planning a wedding. My mum, who has worked in events and food, is annoyed that I’m hiring in caterers rather than letting her do the food on the day. I told her I’d like her to be there to support me, to walk me down the aisle, to be relaxed and friendly with guests - not managing staff all day, not stressed and shouty about the food and things going wrong in the kitchen, not nowhere to be seen when she should be the bride’s mother sitting down at the top table. Her response: “well I’m not good at being nice and I hate enjoying myself, but fine, don’t involve me in any of the organisation and I’ll just turn up on the day with nothing to do”.

I feel upset and frankly offended that she doesn’t want to just be there for me, instead she wants to treat it as a job so that she’s not bored or annoyed about the food because she’s not in control of it. So we’ve had a row about this.

AIBU?

Crikey.
Mother needs to grow up.

It was something she wanted to do for you. Maybe it was going to be her gift to you. Catering is what she presumably loves and would have been her way of showing how much she cares.

If that was what she had in mind, she'd have been gutted and really sad that you have made the decision that you have.

Yes, she reacted ungraciously. But I honestly think that she's just hurt because it was something she wanted to do because she loves you.

Talk to her. Say that you're sorry that you seem to have misunderstood how she'd want to spend the day.

Is she single by any chance? Being busy with the food would avoid her looking like a lemon standing around while everybody else is moving in to the ark two by two.

There is something so stiflingly couply about weddings. I'm single and don't notice I'm the only single person at other events but I swore to myself 15 years ago I would never again go to a wedding. I'll go to my daughter's if she gets married but it will take social courage.

This is a very fair point. My mum is widowed and I know she really felt it at my wedding, understandably. I will forever have love and gratitude to our best man who, completely off his own back, went over and took her hand to dance when the music began

She’s just spat her dummy round she will come around and see your point of view.

My sister said something that wasn’t nice to me because she was in a mood at my bridesmaid dress colour. I got told I wouldn’t see her in it and if she looked shit it was tough. She later calmed down and we had a chat.

Weddings are stressful she will come around .

Yes, she’s single and has never married and I don’t know my dad, all of which contributes both to her being uncomfortable with the mother of the bride role and to me wanting my only parent to be present and by my side on the day… so it’s a tricky one!

Give her a job that she can do well ahead of the day that uses her skills.
The cake maybe or a carefully selected cheese tower for the evening.
Do you have a favourite dish that she cooks, perhaps ask her to host you and the bridesmaids the night before and cook your favourite dinner?
Her love language is food and hospitality so I’m sure you could find another way to let her express it that leaves her free on the day.

I'm sorry but 'I hate enjoying myself' is absolutely HILARIOUS and totally something my 12 year old daughter would come out with if she was being stroppy about not wanting to go on a day out somewhere.

The thing is that she WON'T be by your side throughout. Or even for much of it. Because you won't need or want her there once everything starts. Your husband will be your focus. Your guests at the reception will all want a part of you and you'll want to be chatting and dancing with them.

I'm a widow. My daughter's wedding was a wonderful day. But for much of it I was totally at a loss. She and the bridesmaids got ready at my house and that was just lovely. I was busy making a buffet breakfast and looking after everyone, hosting and loving every minute.

But once the ceremony was over I was a spare part. No-one's fault and absolutely not my daughter's. But the couple's guests were their guests, not mine. I'm quite introverted so I couldn't just keep going up to random people to chat. I felt like I needed to be doing something. But there was nothing to do. I was the mother of the bride, but I had no actual role.

So yes, I chatted to a few people I knew after the wedding breakfast, but spent most of the evening reception just sitting at the side of the room feeling lost. People would come over, being kind, but what I really needed was something to do. Fortunately I had a room at the venue and would disappear there for ten minutes or so every now and again to regroup.

I completely understand how your mum is feeling. She's wise to have predicted that she will need a role. It took me by surprise.

Again, my DD's wedding was absolutely lovely, and so was she. This feeling wasn't down to anyone else. It's just that I'm one of those people that spends parties in the kitchen, because I can't just chat to random people. I need to be occupied and useful.

Please talk to your mum again, and with empathy. It's tough for some of us. She loves you and is probably scared that shell let you down by not being the life and soul at this massive social thing where she's mother of the bride and has to live up to the role.