To still be grieving after TMFR?

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I had a termination for medical reasons on February 17th as my little girl came back as high risk for trisomy 21 on NIPT. My heart is still broken. I thought I might be pregnant again by now but it hasn’t happened and now I’ve turned 43.

I was scared about how much care she might need and her long term prospects and who would look after her when I was gone. But the grief and doubt in my decision is so raw. It was her due date last Monday and it’s so incredibly painful. I wish she was still here. Is it normal to still be in so much pain? Please be kind.

You made the right decision for you. Please don’t feel you have to justify yourself to us.

It’s normal to grieve. There isn’t a timeline. You mind and body need time to heal, you are holding onto a lot of guilt along with it too.

I would speak to a grief therapist.

I would have made the same decision as you did at an age younger than you.

I can’t comment from experience but only share that I believe you did the right thing as my work experiences lead me to believe that vulnerable people can be at risk when in settings. Your longer term concerns are valid.

Your grief is understandable and please don’t feel you can’t mourn or grieve because of the decision you made.

Someone on a thread on here said I was selfish but it honestly wasn’t about that - I wanted her so much. I was scared of what would become of her and I’ve grieved so much since.
Thank you for the support.

Aw of course it’s normal. You are thinking of all the what ifs especially around her due date. Have you had counselling to help you cope with all this? Don’t be hard on yourself - you made the best decision you could at the time.

Just 💐💐💐💐💐

I think it will just take time for you to heal.

grief isn’t linear and maybe accepting it (the grief) will help you overcome it in time.

sending love ❤️

Thank you. I had a great counsellor who unfortunately had a personal crisis that meant she went off sick. The replacement counsellor just wasn’t as good and so I stopped.

I’m a teacher so I’ve gone back to work when I was meant to be starting maternity leave and it’s hit me - a silent grief that I can’t talk about.

Could it be that you are grieving your daughter but also the disappointment /fear that you aren’t pregnant again.

I'm so sorry.
You made a difficult and brave decision. Be kind to yourself 💐

Of course you are grieving and that grief will last a lifetime. It will alter over time and the intensity may not feel so overwhelming daily but the grief will remain.

Although there is no textbook way to grieve your feelings are valid and normal -Be kind to yourself.

I think it’s a bit of sadness that I’m not pregnant too and knowing it may not happen now. I had a MMC in the august and then a TMFR in February and so me and my body have really gone through it.

It’s been a very short time really, it’s not unreasonable, or at all unusual, to still be grieving now.

You made a terribly hard decision for the right reasons, but that doesn’t make it less painful.

Iusedtobedontcall

Someone on a thread on here said I was selfish but it honestly wasn’t about that - I wanted her so much.

I truly think it's one of the least selfish acts you could possibly do, to go through with something that breaks your own heart, something that fills you with grief and sadness, to save your daughter from a life of potential judgement and who knows what else.

You have no idea how affected your child would have been and at the age you are (apologies, it's relevant) you were right to consider who would look after her and make choices based on those very real fears. The "welfare state" in this country is a shambles (sorry don't know what it's actually called but you know what I mean).

Grief takes time, you don't move past it in a tidy fashion in a set number of days and months. Eventually it will hurt a bit less, and then a bit less again until you can function.....but it takes time.

It did break my heart and if I’d known she was going to be disabled but able to live semi independently at some point and manage when I was gone - I absolutely would have had her. I just didn’t know that and no one could guarantee it. It’s all the what ifs that torment me.

I can't pretend to understand because it's never happened to me but I just wanted to show some support. You did the right thing for you, no ones opinion matters here but your own. I did have a lost pregnancy and the due date was so hars when it came around so don't feel bad for feeling sad, it's completely normal. Is there a grievance counsellor you can contact, you have experienced a loss whether you realise that or not because I'm sure when you saw that positive test.you had hopes and dreams like anyone else. Definitely look into counselling, you need to grieve properly. Lots of love to you.

You are the very opposite of selfish. You made a difficult decision for all the right reasons, you need time and support to recover and I am sorry you have not had that

Thank you and I do see it as a loss. I saw her on the scan - her fingers and toes and I wanted her. It’s more painful by far than my miscarriage because I had got so far with my pregnancy and I’d seen her on the scan. Plus the element of choice made me feel so awful. It is a loss.

@Iusedtobedontcall im so so sorry for what you’ve gone through - it’s definitely normal to grieve, your baby died, a horrific experience.

Theres a podcast called the worst girl gang ever. I’d really recommend it. There are lots of different stories but several TFMR episodes with other women who’ve been in similar positions, and some really good signposting too so might be useful. A quote from there that I hope helps ‘we took the pain so our babies didn’t have to’.

It is still early days.
Be kind to yourself.
I went through similar 3 and a half years ago. ARC UK were great for support.
Peace comes in time.

The person on that thread the talking about is an idiot and vile

Sending hugs I'm so sorry. I hope things get easier for you, this must all be so difficult. Please be kind to yourself xxx

Nothing but 💖💐🌹🌸🌺🌷🌻🪻💖xxx

I had a TFMR in January OP and it broke my heart. I am 41 and haven’t managed to get pregnant again so far (and it seems unlikely I ever will following recent tests)and she was my first and only pregnancy after years of trying. I have no advice other than to say you are not alone. My baby’s due date was in June and I had been doing relatively well and then it became harder again. I don’t have any advice but I send you so much love and support, like you I’m just trying to navigate this as best I can xx

I've been through this - 7 years ago now. You have lost a child, no one could possibly expect you to be over it by now. Not only that, you've had to make a decision no parent should have to make. It will never leave you but it gets easier, I promise. Look after yourself and do whatever it takes to get yourself through this. Sending love to you and I'm sorry for your loss x

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl.

I have had two second trimester TFMRs.

The pain doesn't leave you but the grief becomes less raw. Almost 2 and 3 years on, I still have days where I'm almost taken off my feet by the sheer loss.

Allow yourself to grieve and please don't ever be led by what people, who have no idea of the horror and hell of TFMR, who are negative about your story, have to say. I have been called a murderer on here by someone who just couldn't understand the pure love that surrounded my very wanted and adored babies, but the desire for them not to suffer was greater than anything else.

Your baby only ever knew love, warmth and the steady beating of your heart. She never knew pain, cold, hunger or suffering. You did the most selfless thing you could as a mother and took on the pain so she never had to experience it.

I do have a living child, born before my losses, but after my second TFMR (having had a MC and a MMC in between) I couldn't do it anymore and decided to stop TTC. There is grief and loss there too that you haven't become pregnant, the focus of needing a rainbow can be so consuming. It took over me for a long time.

SANDS are amazing, please look up your local chapter, they will have meetings, or will be able to point you in the direction of meetings (and if they don't have then PM me and I'll see if I can help). I have been supported by them throughout. There is also an ARC forum and a thread on here for post TFMR support (which I won't link to as it can attract all sorts but feel free to message me and ill sign post you there if you haven't already.

Sending love to you and your little one 🤍

I had a TFMR 8 years ago and my heart still aches for my very much wanted and very much loved baby. Hardest decision I’ve ever made and I still think about my baby all the time.

This charity was amazing and they really did help me in my darkest moments: https://www.arc-uk.org/

This analogy was also very useful to explain grief and 8 years down the line I can tell you it is true. You will never “get over it” but you will learn to live with it. It does get easier. https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.

Another great video to watch is this one: https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en I must have watched it so many times.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. You did the best for your baby and that makes you the best mum, you will take the pain so your baby didn’t have to suffer. Your baby only knew pure love and joy and she felt it inside of you.

Sending lots of love.