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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be grieving after TMFR?

47 replies

Iusedtobedontcall · 07/09/2023 22:38

I had a termination for medical reasons on February 17th as my little girl came back as high risk for trisomy 21 on NIPT. My heart is still broken. I thought I might be pregnant again by now but it hasn’t happened and now I’ve turned 43.

I was scared about how much care she might need and her long term prospects and who would look after her when I was gone. But the grief and doubt in my decision is so raw. It was her due date last Monday and it’s so incredibly painful. I wish she was still here. Is it normal to still be in so much pain? Please be kind.

OP posts:
Leverly · 07/09/2023 23:39

@FourLittleStars

I posted mine before reading yours, I added the link to ARC. I’m worried that might have been a mistake, what do you mean it can attract all sorts?

I am so sorry for your losses too 💛

DramaAlpaca · 07/09/2023 23:45

I'm so sorry Flowers

FourLittleStars · 07/09/2023 23:55

Leverly · 07/09/2023 23:39

@FourLittleStars

I posted mine before reading yours, I added the link to ARC. I’m worried that might have been a mistake, what do you mean it can attract all sorts?

I am so sorry for your losses too 💛

I mean the type of person who calls bereaved mothers murderers, which has happened to me on MN, there are some truly awful people in the world who get a kick out of aiming to vilify traumatized mothers.

Although I wouldn't necessarily worry about the Arc website. The forum is (or was when I was accessing it, I'm assuming it's still similar) not simple to gain access to. It takes a day or so and requires human to human contact and information sharing.

I'm so sorry you have experienced this too 🤍 it's so unfair x

CC222 · 08/09/2023 00:07

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's absolutely normal to still feel like this, you're grieving a much wanted baby, and after a previous loss too. Something like a due date will be very triggering with pregnancy loss grief. It doesn't matter how your lost your baby, that doesn't take away from the grief and pain you feel. If anything, I can imagine there may even be an aspect of guilt that's making it all feel so much worse and maybe stopping you from allowing yourself to grieve.
Give yourself the time and space to feel what you need to feel, and honour your lost babies ♥️

Holidayhorizon · 08/09/2023 00:14

I am so so sorry. I would have done the same thing for exactly the same reasons.

I think your pain is exacerbated by the fact you haven’t conceived. It was the right decision for you, the fact you haven’t conceived yet is another matter. But all your reasons for the TMFR make sense so remember why you did it.

As far as conception goes, have you talked to a clinic about your options. We needed IVF to conceive our second child, and in retrospect I wish we had done it sooner. I was scared of the process but trying naturally and having months and months of disappointment was a lot more painful.

Big hugs to you. I hope you get your little miracle and I am so sorry for your heartache. Life can be incredibly cruel.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 00:36

Iusedtobedontcall · 07/09/2023 22:47

Someone on a thread on here said I was selfish but it honestly wasn’t about that - I wanted her so much. I was scared of what would become of her and I’ve grieved so much since.
Thank you for the support.

What a horrible comment that person said to you in so sorry. It's not true xxxx

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 08/09/2023 07:12

Thank you. It helps so much to hear that. I have good days and bad days but it does help to talk about it.

OP posts:
Balloonsandroses · 08/09/2023 07:20

I’m so sorry for the position you found yourself in and for the loss of your baby. Grief doesn’t have a timeline and you have every right to grieve for years and decades ahead, though I hope it will become less raw and painful as time goes on. I have to say though that I would be astounded if you weren’t still grieving now - it’s very early days with lots of trigger points for grief. Be kind to yourself, I hope you have support in real life, do things that you find nurturing and comforting and reassure yourself that you did the best you could for her. Do you feel you can manage being at work or would some time off help? I’m a GP and would be very ready to sign you off for a period of time especially around the due date, as well as talking things through with you and offering any additional support as appropriate.
take good care and sending hugs across the internet.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 08/09/2023 07:50

Grief is weird and horrible but don't try to hold it back or rush through it. Take you're time and allow yourself to grieve properly.

You made the right decision for you and your daughter, you thought about her quality of life and how you would cope. That's not selfish, that's a really tough and heartbreaking decision that anyone would struggle with.

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 08/09/2023 20:23

Thank you. I wonder if I’d make that same decision now, knowing how hard it’s been.

OP posts:
Clarissa111 · 08/09/2023 20:28

You broke your own heart, to do what was best for your child. The bravest thing a mother can do.
I have no experience in this. But I have lost a baby to still birth at 36 wks. Even with my experience, I support your decision.
SANDS are an amazing charity. I raised money for them last year as they helped me a lot.
You maybe should have some counselling? Not because of the grief, as that is normal. But to come to peace with your decision.
Lots of love xx

CrazyHamsterLady · 08/09/2023 20:31

I would have made the same decision and I’m sorry that someone called you selfish. That says a lot about them. You made the right choice for you. Sorry it’s hard though, sending best wishes ❤️❤️

MummyJ36 · 08/09/2023 20:44

I have two close friends who have gone through this. Incredibly strong women but this was truly the most raw and heartbroken I have ever seen them. This is a horrible decision to have to make, anybody who thinks this was a selfish decision is not worth giving space to. You were put in one of the most impossible situations with the most importable decision to make. You did what you felt was right, you have had to deal with the mental and physical ramifications and therefore only you get to have an opinion on it. I’m so sorry you’ve felt the need to justify your decision to anyone.

One of my friends got pregnant again and one of my friends didn’t and that ship has now sailed. But they are both ok. They are both successful, lovely, kind women who had to make an impossible choice.

Please allow yourself to grieve, share your feelings with those you trust if you feel comfortable and don’t let anyone shame you for your decision ♥️

Legale · 08/09/2023 20:54

I remember first seeing this image years ago and thinking how true it is. You made one of the hardest decisions anyone can be asked to make, and you put what was best for your baby over anything else, even your own feelings. You are very brave, OP. You put your baby first.

scotscorner · 08/09/2023 21:08

I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your baby. No one should call you selfish; you clearly made your decision with so much love for her. 💐💐💐

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 08/09/2023 21:10

Thank you - you’ve all made me cry in a good way. Thanks for being so kind, it means so much.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 08/09/2023 21:19

I haven't had your experience and I can only imagine how difficult it was to have to make that decision.

Rest assured you did it for the very best of reasons - to save your child from suffering. That takes a lot of strength and it was done out of love.

You are absolutely allowed to grieve for as long as necessary - please don't think otherwise. You take your time and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.

Wishing you all the best, truly.

SemperIdem · 08/09/2023 21:22

I heard this on Yellowstone (of all things), following a characters baby loss and it really has stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing as I can’t remember it exactly word for word but -

She lived a perfect life, she only knew your love and the comfort of you, untouched by hardship or worry.

It is honestly terrible that someone has called your decision selfish. It was the hardest decision, made because of how much you love her.

SM4713 · 08/09/2023 21:44

I'm so sorry for you loss OP. I had a TFMR with my 1st pregnancy due to T13 (patau), at that point after 4yrs TTC. Birth dates and memories of what would/could have been are so difficult.

Do you have other children, supportive partner, family etc you can focus on for support? Have you had any counselling or someone to talk to?

I found this lady that writes baby names in beautiful sunset, beach images, which I found quite a soothing part of the grieving process.
http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/01/to-write-their-names-in-sand.html#:~:text=Carly%20Marie%20writes%20baby's%20and,a%20tribute%20post%20for%20free.

Just remember that this isn't your fault and you are never alone ❤

To Write Their Names In The Sand

I now have Lily's and Luke's names written at To Write Their Names In The Sand . Carly Marie  writes baby's and children's names in the s...

http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/01/to-write-their-names-in-sand.html#:~:text=Carly%20Marie%20writes%20baby's%20and,a%20tribute%20post%20for%20free.

Daisymae55 · 08/09/2023 22:18

You are definitely not a selfish person at all and many woman would make the same decision as you did, myself included. Sending you so much love and strength 💐

Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 08/09/2023 22:46

I have children already - teenagers- which makes me think I shouldn’t still be so heartbroken as I know I’m lucky to have them. I wish I had been able to meet her in many ways - but it was the unknown and wondering what the future would hold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobedontcall · 09/09/2023 13:37

I think it would help if I could come to peace with my decision. I’m finding it hard to do that at the moment.

OP posts:
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