Grieving death of someone nobody else in my life knew

[OverwhelmedAndHopeless]

(posting in here for traffic)

AIBU to ask if anyone else has got experience of this?

im grieving the very recent & sudden suicide of someone I was extremely close to but that nobody else in my life knew.

they knew OF him but didn’t know him and so have no memories of him. I also don’t know any of his other friends or his family.

He and I got to know each other over the past year and we ended up becoming very close emotionally. We talked pretty much every single day from January onwards and we saw each other most weeks from march on (we first got to know each other at work last year but I left that job not long after).

I’m shocked and devastated by his death. People are sympathetic but it’s so hard not being able to talk about him with anyone else who knew him, if that makes sense.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How do you get through this? I’m in pieces right now.

Sorry for your loss.
Are you able to link up with any of his friends and family via social media to share your memories of him with them?
When a very close friend of mine died I met his family for the first time and we all stayed in touch for a few years. I think that they found it helpful to hear from all the people who had known him.

It doesn’t feel appropriate to do that as I don’t know them and don’t want to intrude. Also he deleted all his social media info a couple of days before he took his own life. Presumably as part of getting his affairs in order prior to carrying out his intention.

Will you be able to attend the funeral? At my son's funeral two or three people that I didn't know at all but who knew my son approached me to say something about what he meant to them, and their words were very welcome. Perhaps you might feel comfortable doing something similar? Don't let the fact that you may be a stranger to these people be too much of a deterent.

One young woman also sought out my surviving son on Facebook and messaged him about the son that we lost. I guess that may seem a slightly risky thing to do, since you may not feel confident that such an approach would be ok. But in our case it was not unwelcome.

Yeah I’ve been through it, we were friends at school and both moved to the same town when we grew up. I never really knew his family that well and have no idea where all our other school friends ended up. When he died (suicide in this case as well) I felt like I’d lost him and also a massive link to my past. We used to reminisce a lot about our childhood and teen years. I feel like I’ve had to grieve for him and my past a little bit since he’s gone. It was hard but like everyone says time helps. I tell people all about him now. I also still talk to him in my head (I’m not crazy!) it just helps a bit.

Random789 I’m so sorry for your loss.

So sorry that happened to you too, it’s rough isn’t it.

I had a close friend on my year abroad, then found out a lot later that he’d died. Funeral all done etc. It was the first experience of death within my social circle ever. I felt a bit lost at the time, in the end I just began writing a diary and that helped process things. I hope things get easier for you.

Thank you and I’m so sorry about your friend.

Hi OP, sorry for your loss. I had a very good friend back in my home country, which I left 26 years ago, and when she died there was nobody here where I live now who knew her.

It helped a lot to have contact with her daughter. If you can make contact with the family, I'd try to. Inobtrusively, of course - but I'd think chances are that they'll be glad there was someone else close to him.

How much of your issue is the manner of his death? My mother lost a sister to suicide and never got over it. So I know second hard that suicide is very hard on the survivors.

I sometimes just light a candle, watch the flame and think of my friend

Thank you 3Locusts and I’m so sorry for your loss too.

The fact that he took his own life is unbearable. And I am feeling horrific guilt over messing up when attempting to support him. He’d been in a dark place for some time and had pushed most people away but was still close to me. But I ended up hurting him by saying the wrong things when trying to support him and he told me that although he knew I meant well, I’d done more harm than good. And then he pushed me away completely too and took his own life a couple of days later.

I know his death wasn’t my fault in any way but it’s still distressing beyond belief to know I added to his pain when he was already suffering so badly.

Actually yes, I think the fact that it was suicide does make it harder that I don’t know anyone else who knew him. There’s a strong need to share this with someone else who understands and misses him.

If you don't want to reach out to his family, you could perhaps try looking for a forum/group for people who are grieving for someone lost to suicide. It really does throw such a range of emotions into the mix and talking to other that are going through them may help you process your own, even if it isn't the same person they are grieving?
I know I felt anger and guilt (and then extra guilt about feeling angry!), it was different to other losses.

Thank you, that’s a really good idea and I will do that.

I don’t feel anger at all, just feel sick with guilt and sadness.

Very sorry for your loss btw

Thank you, I am sorry for yours too. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss.....I was vvvv close to someone in my sixth form..no one realised how much although I had a close group of friends...ten years later sadly he died in a car accident...I learnt via newspaper....I had no one to share the loss...I still remember him and how amazing he was lighting up a room with a heart of gold. Huge loss which I dealt with alone....just a silly comment from a friend..that guy lived in similar area to you growing up led me to learn he died....it was like the world stopped still. Yanbu and be kind to yourself ..this person mattered....mattered alot to you x

OP, can I ask you to contact his family/friends if you are able to.

I lost my son to suicide almost 3 years ago. Tony travelled and was living in Australia when he died.

Lots of people who met him on his travels contacted me, sent photos, told me stories. Honestly it was such a comfort to me.

Even friends here, I knew some, had heard of others, didn't know some, but believe me, as a grieving mum, I held on to every single story.

I think it also helped them "process" what had happened. I probably havnt explained it very well, but the best thing these strangers did for me was ti help me know a bit more about Tony's life that I really didn't know much about.

I would say contact the family if you can. I lost a sibling to suicide and it was of great comfort to hear from his old friends many of whom I didn’t know. They told me their old stories and memories of him. It was really comforting. ❤️

I would be very surprised if his family found you contacting them an intrusion. As PPs have said, they are more likely to find comfort in the fact that you were there for him, and will love to hear your memories of him.

I’m so sorry for your loss , this sounds very tough.
easier said than done but please try not to take on so much guilt as from what you’ve described you were a very good friend and tried very hard to help him as best you could. No one can ever take away someone else’s pain, however hard you try however much you want to.
I agree with the people above to say that if and when you feel able to, please reach out to the family. When my brother died it was a huge comfort to hear stories about him from friends, learn new things. Even years later I love the opportunity to talk about him with those who knew him.

Of course it’s very difficult to do this especially when the pain is so raw for you (and them) but if you can attend the service to pay your respects or reach out somehow with condolences you might find that you bring each other comfort.
guilt is very natural btw, they are most likely feeling it too. Big love.

OP,

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is hell for the survivors. You need to speak candidly about your own misplaced guilt. I am not sure whether the Samaritans are suitable for this or whether there is a better organisation. Perhaps others will know, or your GP. Please take care of yourself.

As my NC suggests, I am writing because we lost my beloved brother in a freak accident. Reconnecting with his old friends and meeting his newer ones has been a huge part of my healing. Every time we learn of another great person who cared deeply about him, it provides a shot of joy. Of course it is bittersweet but it is ultimately positive. I also hope you will consider providing this experience for your friend’s family.

So sorry to hear that, and what a horrible way to find out about it. Must have been very hard processing that on your own.

I’m so sorry you lost Tony and in such awful circumstances. Can see how it would have been a comfort to you to hear about his life while he was away travelling and for people to fill in the gaps, as it were.

Namechange600 I’m so sorry for your loss.

So sorry you lost your brother BaraMenyn. And thank you for your kind words. I can’t help feeling terrible as it wasn’t just that I didn’t help, he said I actively increased his distress.

So sorry you lost your brother anothergrievingsister

It’s good to hear that it can be helpful for families to hear from their loved one’s friends even if they’re unknown ones. And I will keep that in mind although am still wary of intruding.