Page 2 | Grieving death of someone nobody else in my life knew

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 2023-09-07T18:22:25+00:00

(posting in here for traffic) AIBU to ask if anyone else has got experience of this? im grieving the very recent & sudden suicide of someone I was extremely close to but that nobody else in my life knew. they knew OF him but didn’t know him and so have no memories of him. I also don’t know any of his other friends or his family. He and I got to know each other over the past year and we ended up becoming very close emotionally. We talked pretty much every single day from January onwards and we saw each other most weeks from march on (we first got to know each other at work last year but I left that job not long after). I’m shocked and devastated by his death. People are sympathetic but it’s so hard not being able to talk about him with anyone else who knew him, if that makes sense. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How do you get through this? I’m in pieces right now.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/09/2023 23:16

I am so sorry for everyone here who has lost someone.

💐💐💐

Op, I think he was in such a dark place and lashed out at anyone and everyone and you happened to be there. I'm sure if he was here now he would be terribly upset at the thought of you suffering as a result of his depression.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to him too. He didn't know what he was saying at that point, he was just trying to make someone else feel pain because he was in such a terrible place himself. You need to forgive him and forgive yourself. Neither of you are to blame.

Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 08/09/2023 08:10

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/09/2023 23:16

I am so sorry for everyone here who has lost someone.

💐💐💐

Op, I think he was in such a dark place and lashed out at anyone and everyone and you happened to be there. I'm sure if he was here now he would be terribly upset at the thought of you suffering as a result of his depression.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to him too. He didn't know what he was saying at that point, he was just trying to make someone else feel pain because he was in such a terrible place himself. You need to forgive him and forgive yourself. Neither of you are to blame.

I’m not blaming him at all and he didn’t lash out at me, he wasn’t unkind or even angry. He just told me that although I was trying to help, my help had hurt him more (I unwittingly said and did things that piled the pain on instead of easing it).

I know he wouldn’t want me to beat myself up about it but I can’t help feeling sick with guilt.

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Random789 · 08/09/2023 08:29

@OverwhelmedAndHopeless, His words also convey that he knew you were trying to help him. That he understood you were there for him. THat means a lot and it was probably ALL that was possible.
He was feeling suicidal, which means that he only saw negatives in every direction that he looked, including in your words and actions. It may well have been impossible for you or anyone to contribute anything that overpowered that negativity.
Sometimes people can't be helped. Sometimes the compassionate and respectful thing to do it to step back and acknowledge THEIR responsibility, their agency, in relation to their own decisions. And to acknowledge the impossibility of any other contribution.
He knew you were there for him. That was all that you could give him and it is a lot. xx

Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 08/09/2023 08:53

Random789 · 08/09/2023 08:29

@OverwhelmedAndHopeless, His words also convey that he knew you were trying to help him. That he understood you were there for him. THat means a lot and it was probably ALL that was possible.
He was feeling suicidal, which means that he only saw negatives in every direction that he looked, including in your words and actions. It may well have been impossible for you or anyone to contribute anything that overpowered that negativity.
Sometimes people can't be helped. Sometimes the compassionate and respectful thing to do it to step back and acknowledge THEIR responsibility, their agency, in relation to their own decisions. And to acknowledge the impossibility of any other contribution.
He knew you were there for him. That was all that you could give him and it is a lot. xx

Thank you Random 💐 I can’t express how much better your words have made me feel (about him knowing I was there for him even though I fucked it up). Honestly, thank you. That has made a big difference.

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MatildaTheCat · 08/09/2023 09:10

@OverwhelmedAndHopeless I am so very sorry for your loss. I would add to the others who have suggested reaching out to your friend’s family. Parents with adult children often know little about their lives and may be desperate to fill some gaps.

I volunteer with Samaritans, we are trained to talk to suicidal people. It’s long and difficult training so of course you weren’t able to get it right all the time. It’s very likely your friend had a plan and an intention to end his life well before you tried to help and the fact that he stayed in touch with you so long does indicate that you did help him even if it wasn’t always possible.

A wiser colleague than me told me, ‘ not everyone can be saved.’ That’s the reality.

Finally, please do call yourself for support at the awful time. You probably know but it’s free, confidential and 24/7. Just call 116123.

Very best wishes to you.

Random789 · 08/09/2023 10:56

I'm glad you can feel the truth of having helped him immeasurably by being there for him, in a way that he saw and valued. xxx
Also, I bet that your saying that you 'fucked it up' is waaaay too hard on yourself. Remember that feelings of guilt are inevitable after a traumatic bereavement, especially suicide, no matter what preceded it. Those feelings aren't evidence of having actually got things wrong. I'm sure no one on this thread would judge your actions as harshly as you do.

Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 08/09/2023 13:23

Random789 · 08/09/2023 10:56

I'm glad you can feel the truth of having helped him immeasurably by being there for him, in a way that he saw and valued. xxx
Also, I bet that your saying that you 'fucked it up' is waaaay too hard on yourself. Remember that feelings of guilt are inevitable after a traumatic bereavement, especially suicide, no matter what preceded it. Those feelings aren't evidence of having actually got things wrong. I'm sure no one on this thread would judge your actions as harshly as you do.

🙏🏻💐

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Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 08/09/2023 13:24

MatildaTheCat · 08/09/2023 09:10

@OverwhelmedAndHopeless I am so very sorry for your loss. I would add to the others who have suggested reaching out to your friend’s family. Parents with adult children often know little about their lives and may be desperate to fill some gaps.

I volunteer with Samaritans, we are trained to talk to suicidal people. It’s long and difficult training so of course you weren’t able to get it right all the time. It’s very likely your friend had a plan and an intention to end his life well before you tried to help and the fact that he stayed in touch with you so long does indicate that you did help him even if it wasn’t always possible.

A wiser colleague than me told me, ‘ not everyone can be saved.’ That’s the reality.

Finally, please do call yourself for support at the awful time. You probably know but it’s free, confidential and 24/7. Just call 116123.

Very best wishes to you.

Thank you Matilda 🙏🏻💐

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Celia24 · 08/09/2023 13:43

Not yet but I have it coming. I've decided that when she dies I'll talk about her to a few close people I trust, show pics and tell stories. They'll understand. The rest will be my own processing.

Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 08/09/2023 15:37

Celia24 · 08/09/2023 13:43

Not yet but I have it coming. I've decided that when she dies I'll talk about her to a few close people I trust, show pics and tell stories. They'll understand. The rest will be my own processing.

Edited

Wish you strength when the time comes @Celia24 🙏🏻

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Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 15/09/2023 22:28

UPDATE -

I decided to go to the funeral but am now worried that it’s inappropriate to do so.

The reason I’m thinking that is that I told my mum I was planning to go and she was very concerned about me missing work and also the disruption to childcare arrangements with my ex. I said these practical issues can be worked around but did she think it’s inappropriate of me to go to the funeral?

And she said she didn’t have an opinion on that either way, as it wasn’t her place to say.

Now I’m feeling anxious and unsure about whether it’s wrong of me to go, as surely if it was ok for me to attend then she’d say “yes, of course go!”.

if that makes sense??

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anothergrievingsister · 15/09/2023 22:31

Please go, OP. This is exactly the kind of the the family will appreciate forever

Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 15/09/2023 22:32

anothergrievingsister · 15/09/2023 22:31

Please go, OP. This is exactly the kind of the the family will appreciate forever

Thank you 🙏🏻

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TakeMe2Insanity · 15/09/2023 22:48

I agree go to funeral.

Random789 · 16/09/2023 08:03

I would say it is fine to go. Whn my son died (also from suicide) there were a lot of people at the funeral, more than I was expecting, and just by contributing to the numbers you are adding to a sense of warmth and of their relative having been loved, which will surely be a comfort to them. My son's life had become so isolated and withdrawn. The full church was a contrast to that solitude and seemed to illustrate that he was more real, more valued, more substantial than he was able to allow his life to be.

I just remember a sea of faces and it wouldn't have mattered to me that there were some that I didn't recognise. Anyone can go to a funeral.

While you are there, you can get a feel for whether in might be right to introduce yourself to anyone and offer words of comfort. If it doesn't seem right you will still have helped the family and yourself. And if it does seem right, all the better. I'm sure you will judge correctly.

Original poster

OverwhelmedAndHopeless · 16/09/2023 13:43

Random789 · 16/09/2023 08:03

I would say it is fine to go. Whn my son died (also from suicide) there were a lot of people at the funeral, more than I was expecting, and just by contributing to the numbers you are adding to a sense of warmth and of their relative having been loved, which will surely be a comfort to them. My son's life had become so isolated and withdrawn. The full church was a contrast to that solitude and seemed to illustrate that he was more real, more valued, more substantial than he was able to allow his life to be.

I just remember a sea of faces and it wouldn't have mattered to me that there were some that I didn't recognise. Anyone can go to a funeral.

While you are there, you can get a feel for whether in might be right to introduce yourself to anyone and offer words of comfort. If it doesn't seem right you will still have helped the family and yourself. And if it does seem right, all the better. I'm sure you will judge correctly.

Edited

Thank you @Random789 🙏🏻💐

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