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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH seeing this as equal?

37 replies

Advice0723 · 07/09/2023 18:42

Hi All,

Looking for some advice/opinions on the following.

Recently me and DH have moved to our hopeful forever home. To do this, we had to move from our previously owned house into a rental and then into this house which has been stressful to us over the period of a few months, especially as I am expecting our first baby.

My DH would like to take both sets of parents out for dinner to thank them for all the support they’ve given us over the past few months. I think this is a nice idea, with my only concern being that my parents have helped significantly more than his and I worry this will mean they feel put out.

I really don’t want to keep lists of who has helped with what, but to give you an idea

My parents - helped us clean rental, helped us move into rental, helped us clean old house, came round on moving day + one other to help us unpack and build furniture, came round on snagging day to help me as partner could not be there, came round for another day to organised deliveries and workmen whilst I was at a scan, round another day to help me with snagging, helped to remove weeds and cover garden prior to landscape on other day, installed all of our blinds

His parents - looked after the cats one weekend, cooked a meal for us twice

I’m concerned my parents will feel really put out, but either way I feel like I will upset someone.

YANBU - risk of upsetting people and it does seem unbalanced
YABU - help isn’t list taking and shouldn’t matter

OP posts:
Pr0fessionalLurker · 07/09/2023 18:45

YABU, your parents didn't help with a view to a reward, they did it to be helpful.

It's nice to be thanked, don't overthink it.

Flyonthewall01 · 07/09/2023 18:45

I’d say take them all out. It’s ungrateful to not take his parents out as they have also helped. You can always give your parents some flowers, chocolates etc separately as an extra thank you

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 07/09/2023 18:46

I haven’t voted because surely there’s a middle ground here. Take them all out for a meal and then also buy your parents a lovely gift/flowers etc and have a conversation with them about how grateful you are for everything they’ve done.

SingingSands · 07/09/2023 18:48

Sounds like you're overthinking it. Like PP says, your parents were being helpful, most parents are like this and it sounds like they're going to be great grandparents. A night out, all 6 of you, sounds like a lovely way to thank everyone.

Ladybrrrd · 07/09/2023 18:49

It's not as though you have to give them gold and silver medals?! Or why you have to tell your parents that they helped out more?! Just take them both out for a lovely dinner. You're overthinking it and seemingly trying to score points here or something?!

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 18:50

YANBU. Just say you want to do separate meals.

He can't dictate to you that it has to be a meal with all four parents. As long as you go to both meals, he has no leg to stand on.

Does he realise how much ypur parents did?

titchy · 07/09/2023 18:51

Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?

Or a bottle of Chateau de neuf Papp for your parents and the house white for the in-laws?

KaySararSarar · 07/09/2023 18:52

If ever I thought notes were being taken on my willingness to help grown ass adults doing shit grown ass adults should be able to handle themselves I’d probably back off too…

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 18:52

Ladybrrrd · 07/09/2023 18:49

It's not as though you have to give them gold and silver medals?! Or why you have to tell your parents that they helped out more?! Just take them both out for a lovely dinner. You're overthinking it and seemingly trying to score points here or something?!

No, but OP may want to bring up how much her parents helped, and she may feel inhibited from doing if DH's parents are there.

After all her parents have done, it's not too much to ask to have a meal with just them and a separate meal for in laws.

Or OP could ask what parents would prefer, a meal for six or four.

2chocolateoranges · 07/09/2023 18:54

You are over thinking this. As a parent to children in their twenties, we help out to help out, not to be rewarded and not to be better than ‘the inlaws’ or anyone else. We help out because that’s what parents do( well most).

im sure both sets of parents are just thankful that you are in your new home and settled.

CheezePleeze · 07/09/2023 18:55

Your parents presumably helped more because they could and because they wanted to, not because they thought it would make them win a competition with your inlaws.

Just take them all out. If your parents get the hump about that, I'd think very little of them for it.

Handlecarefully · 07/09/2023 18:56

Well, either take them all out or arrange a similar outing for your parents. I don't see what the problem is, your husband is arranging something to thank his, just get on and book something with yours.

CheezePleeze · 07/09/2023 18:57

No, but OP may want to bring up how much her parents helped, and she may feel inhibited from doing if DH's parents are there.

She could literally bring that up at any time. It doesn't have to be over the hors d'oeuvres.

Exasperatednow · 07/09/2023 19:00

Can't you just talk to your parents and tell them how much you appreciate them

Then take both parents out.

You are over thinking this.

silenttimes · 07/09/2023 19:00

Seriously, do they get stars on a chart too? You get a lot of help from both sets of parents, you are very lucky. Thank them both. Go out with your parents just the three of you if you want to do even more.

Ffsmakeitstop · 07/09/2023 19:00

titchy · 07/09/2023 18:51

Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?

Or a bottle of Chateau de neuf Papp for your parents and the house white for the in-laws?

Perfect.
Op you are being totally unreasonable. People help in whatever way they can. Maybe you take your parents for an extra meal as it is you they have helped more than your DH.

tiagra · 07/09/2023 19:02

"Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?"

Yeah that'll go down well. Jesus.

Ponderingwindow · 07/09/2023 19:05

It’s just a dinner. Your parents would be petty to consider it unfair to share a dinner out with the in-laws.

if you think your parents deserve extra appreciation, write them a heartfelt note and give it to them with a small token gift. Don’t do this at the dinner, just some other time.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 07/09/2023 19:05

Are they all happy about you being pregnant? If so take the win and treat them all. My ils gave no fucks about our dc.. You can always pop to your own family with cakes at a later date. Alone!!

Original poster
Advice0723 · 07/09/2023 19:07

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I did think that I might be descending to list taking, however I’m a bit of a people pleaser and on top of this with pregnancy hormones I just don’t want to upset anyone.

I think the idea of a meal for six and then something separate to thank my parents seem a really good idea and I’ll do this and stop overthinking everything

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 07/09/2023 19:09

Yabu, your husband’s suggestion sound like the reasonable option, the help was not proportionate but they all helped one way or the other so taking them all to dinner is good. On a different day when the in-laws are not there, you can then go and give your parents something like flowers, bottle of wine or similar

CheezePleeze · 07/09/2023 19:10

tiagra · 07/09/2023 19:02

"Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?"

Yeah that'll go down well. Jesus.

I laughed more at you taking it seriously than I did at the actual post 😂😂

LylaLee · 07/09/2023 19:11

titchy · 07/09/2023 18:51

Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?

Or a bottle of Chateau de neuf Papp for your parents and the house white for the in-laws?

That's batshit.

Spookymormonhelldream · 07/09/2023 19:11

I would use this as a passive aggressive opportunity to make the point.
'Here's to Mum and Dad, for all the furniture assembly, dosh, cleaning, meals, etc etc etc'
'Here's to MIL and PIL, for cat sitting that Tuesday afternoon'

Cheers!

MairzyDoats · 07/09/2023 19:12

I disagree - I'd be pointing out the list to your partner and suggesting some other form of gratitude (separate to his parents.) I don't think the two forms of support are comparable at all and tbh, why would you take someone out for dinner just because they'd cooked you dinner?!