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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH seeing this as equal?

37 replies

Advice0723 · 07/09/2023 18:42

Hi All,

Looking for some advice/opinions on the following.

Recently me and DH have moved to our hopeful forever home. To do this, we had to move from our previously owned house into a rental and then into this house which has been stressful to us over the period of a few months, especially as I am expecting our first baby.

My DH would like to take both sets of parents out for dinner to thank them for all the support they’ve given us over the past few months. I think this is a nice idea, with my only concern being that my parents have helped significantly more than his and I worry this will mean they feel put out.

I really don’t want to keep lists of who has helped with what, but to give you an idea

My parents - helped us clean rental, helped us move into rental, helped us clean old house, came round on moving day + one other to help us unpack and build furniture, came round on snagging day to help me as partner could not be there, came round for another day to organised deliveries and workmen whilst I was at a scan, round another day to help me with snagging, helped to remove weeds and cover garden prior to landscape on other day, installed all of our blinds

His parents - looked after the cats one weekend, cooked a meal for us twice

I’m concerned my parents will feel really put out, but either way I feel like I will upset someone.

YANBU - risk of upsetting people and it does seem unbalanced
YABU - help isn’t list taking and shouldn’t matter

OP posts:
Georgyporky · 07/09/2023 19:14

Do the 2 couples know & like each other ?

I'd take them out separately, Pub meal v Michelin * perhaps !

TawnyLarue · 07/09/2023 19:15

This is petty af. don’t be this person.

are your parents competitive and weird about the in laws? My friend’s parents are like that. She’s started lying about seeing them now because her parents get jealous 🙄

ActDottie · 07/09/2023 19:18

I think you’re overthinking this a bit, just take them out for dinner. Does each set really know the exact details of how much help each has offered?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 19:34

How would your parents know everything your in-laws have done or not done unless you've told them? Start keeping your mouth shut and stop complaining about your in-laws.

latetothefisting · 07/09/2023 19:39

tiagra · 07/09/2023 19:02

"Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?"

Yeah that'll go down well. Jesus.

how on earth are posters not realising this is sarcasm? 😂

OP - It's not clear if what you're actually asking is the title of your post or the subsequent content. If your DH really thinks that both sets of parents helped equally then YANBU because they clearly didn't. However if what you're actually asking is should you be petty and refuse his nice idea of a meal to both parents to say thanks just because you want to make a point that yours did MORE then YABU. Just go for the meal, if you really want to recognise their contribution buy your parents a nice bottle and some flowers and give it to them before/afterwards (i.e. not in front of the in laws) as well.

I did laugh at 'I really don't want to keep lists' followed by a totally off the top of your head list of about 11 things your parents did...

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 19:50

It’s a lovely idea to go for a meal but your parents have done much more.

So I’d do the meal as a 6 and then an extra thing for your parents, as you suggested.

I voted YABU because they’ve not helped you for anything in return but I would want to show my gratitude and let them know how much I appreciate it.

Spacecowboys · 07/09/2023 19:53

I would do what a previous poster has said and take both sets of parents for a meal but then also buy your parents a gift .

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:54

separate meals would be better but yes yours did a lot more @Advice0723

ModeWeasel · 07/09/2023 19:56

Did his parents have the opportunity to help in the ways your parents did?

CarolFromBarol · 07/09/2023 20:13

I despair at the ridiculous shit people do in the name of people pleasing. Why would your parents act put out? You aren't taking anything away from them. Take them all out together and thank them for all the help they've given you. It's not a points system.

Ffsmakeitstop · 07/09/2023 20:14

My dd moved into her own flat recently and the person who did most to help was me. My DH couldn't do much because he recently had a stroke. Do I deserve more thanks and gifts because I did more no of course not we all did what we could.
My DH does feel guilty as he would usually do so much more. But my dd was very grateful to us all and no she didn't take anyone for a meal as we wanted her to spend her money on her new home.

Holly60 · 07/09/2023 20:29

tiagra · 07/09/2023 19:02

"Could you take them somewhere that does both a ten course tasting menu that your parents can choose from, and a cheaper special menu your PIL can order from?"

Yeah that'll go down well. Jesus.

Do you generally struggle with sarcasm? 😂😂😂

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