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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag Do

31 replies

UnreasonableDilmea · 07/09/2023 11:47

Hello

My Fiance and I are due to marry on 30th September 2023.

His best man has arranged his stag do and they are going to a European city. He said in the past he has been on stripclubs and has recieved private dances - not whilst he has been with me. He said he was early 20s and single. He is 46 for context.

He said him and an ex gf used to go to stripclubs when they lived in London as they were the only nice clubs open and he said he wouldnt have an issue going into a club for a drink.

However, I have told him that I am totally against stripclubs and would call off the wedding if he goes to one. He has said int he past that although he doesnt see going to one as "cheating" - he would see a dance as cheating, though - he said that WE have agreed that it would be cheating in our relationship.

Now he is saying that he cant guarantee his best man hasnt arranged anything to do with a stripclub and doesnt want to speak to him as it will be embarassing. He said he doesnt apprecaite my ultmatium and he hopes that I take time to reflect on how "not normal" my reaction is.

but it isnbt my reaction. Its my boundary, one he has agreed with.

Thanks

OP posts:
Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 11:50

Is your fiancé spineless and mute?

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 11:50

Wait sorry

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 11:52

I thought this all with the best man

ok
So the positive is he’s honest
the negative is he’s a bit of a limp lettuce, especially given he’s 46 and not 22

i can just imagine this stag do abroad. Shudder. Middle ages men, drunk and lecherous.

anotherchanger · 07/09/2023 11:59

Which European city?
Honestly strip clubs are the least of your worries on stags.
I know of so many men who have slept with prostitutes while on stag dos - it's so depressingly common.
If they're going somewhere like Prague or Amsterdam...

OhmygodDont · 07/09/2023 12:00

His going to Amsterdam isn’t he…

His already setting the scene of you being the bad controlling one.

TheBarbieEffect · 07/09/2023 12:01

I do think YABU to try and stop him. It’s not cheating, it’s just a strip club 🤷‍♀️

If you could call off the wedding over this then you shouldn’t be getting married anyway as you’re insecure and have trust issues.

He did agree though and he shouldn’t have done.

DrManhattan · 07/09/2023 12:02

That's your boundary and you are totally entitled to set it. I wouldn't like it either, I think its really gross.

Masterofhappydays · 07/09/2023 12:03

To sum it up…His embarrassment about speaking up to his best man is more important to him than your boundary.

Hungryfrogs23 · 07/09/2023 12:04

Absolutely YANBU.
It doesn't matter what my thoughts on a strip club are, or what anyone else's thoughts on a strip club are. If you are uncomfortable with them and have had a clear conversation with him and together you've agreed this boundary in your relationship then he should respect that.

Also the whole "my friend told me to" nonsense is very childish and ick inducing. He isn't a sheep. Where does this end and at what point does he find a backbone? What if his best man encouraged him to take drugs or cheat with a prostitute or do any number of other things that can happen on a stag do. Would he still plead that his friend "told him to"?

Doggymummar · 07/09/2023 12:05

I cancelled my wedding as my bf came home from his stag with red lipstick on his dick and I love you written on his chest. His mum said I was over reacting

saymynamesaymy · 07/09/2023 12:06

Yanbu
fucking men

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 07/09/2023 12:07

Ignore everyone telling you that strip clubs are fine.

It’s not for you and it’s ok for you to feel like this.

He will go to a strip club on his stag and on future stags for his mates and on ‘boys weekends’ away and birthdays etc etc etc.

I don’t think that paying to watch women take their clothes off and grind on you is a suitable way to celebrate joining your life with the woman you claim to love and wouldn’t marry someone who did…….

Whataretheodds · 07/09/2023 12:12

He said him and an ex gf used to go to stripclubs when they lived in London as they were the only nice clubs open
I call BULLSHIT on this one.

he cant guarantee his best man hasnt arranged anything to do with a stripclub and doesnt want to speak to him as it will be embarassing
Will it be less embarrassing to him when you speak to the best man?

If he can't understand that you would consider it cheating to go to strip club and adjust his behaviour accordingly, but instead calls upu unreasonable, then you definitely shouldn't marry him.

Sapphire387 · 07/09/2023 12:16

TheBarbieEffect · 07/09/2023 12:01

I do think YABU to try and stop him. It’s not cheating, it’s just a strip club 🤷‍♀️

If you could call off the wedding over this then you shouldn’t be getting married anyway as you’re insecure and have trust issues.

He did agree though and he shouldn’t have done.

She shouldn't be getting married because she doesn't want her fiancé to go to a strip club? What an odd thing to say. Maybe HE shouldn't be getting married if he still feels the need to look at other women undressed.

OP - he sounds a bit pathetic tbh, is he incapable of speaking up for himself with his friends? He is 46 ffs.

TheBarbieEffect · 07/09/2023 12:17

@Sapphire387 Don’t be silly. She shouldn’t be getting married when she doesn’t trust her fiancé.

Sux2buthen · 07/09/2023 12:19

TheBarbieEffect · 07/09/2023 12:01

I do think YABU to try and stop him. It’s not cheating, it’s just a strip club 🤷‍♀️

If you could call off the wedding over this then you shouldn’t be getting married anyway as you’re insecure and have trust issues.

He did agree though and he shouldn’t have done.

Bollocks. This crap is too normalised and needs to stop

Sapphire387 · 07/09/2023 12:20

TheBarbieEffect · 07/09/2023 12:17

@Sapphire387 Don’t be silly. She shouldn’t be getting married when she doesn’t trust her fiancé.

You said she is insecure and has trust issues. That is different to not trusting someone with good reason, as may well be the case here. Perhaps the marriage should be reconsidered but I don't think you should be making out that OP is the problem.

Vallmo47 · 07/09/2023 12:26

OP I share your feelings exactly and when I got married last year my fiancé told his friends he didn’t want a stag do as he cannot trust what they plan and it would cause issues in our relationship. Many of his friends then approached me about it and I said how grateful I was to be marrying a real man who respects and values our relationship more than a stag do. They did shut up in the end.
Stand your ground.

DrManhattan · 07/09/2023 12:37

BTW the Op can hate strip clubs and not have trust issues. It's a preference.

PinkRoses1245 · 07/09/2023 12:41

He's being honest with you. I personally don't mind strip clubs on stag dos, I know my DH went to one on his, and has before. But so have I, on hens do (with male strippers)! if it's important to you and he does go to one, that's your call on ending the relationship

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 12:44

I don’t think that paying to watch women take their clothes off and grind on you is a suitable way to celebrate joining your life with the woman you claim to love and wouldn’t marry someone who did…….

That’s not what stag dos are for. They’re to say goodbye to single life.

Personally I wouldn’t set a boundary like that. Some men would see it as a challenge. Most would lie about it. Mine didn’t have a stag do at all and, despite being married three times, I’ve never had a hen do. They feel like a pointless waste of money to me.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 13:23

I find it so pathetic how afraid so many men are of standing up to their friends. He was fine with this until it involved speaking to his friend about it, then suddenly it became unthinkable to him. He didn't even have to say he agreed with you, he could have just said "I know it's daft but she's really against it and I don't want to upset her". This isn't something the average woman would find remotely embarrassing to say to their friends, it's so toxic and pathetic that it is an issue for so many men.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 13:26

DrManhattan · 07/09/2023 12:37

BTW the Op can hate strip clubs and not have trust issues. It's a preference.

Agreed. I think "insecure" and "trust issues" are thrown around way too much in this discussion. People aren't against strip clubs because they are afraid their partner will cheat on them (though that does also happen), they are against them because they see going in the first place as a problem. Insecure is not remotely the right word in those circumstances.

saymynamesaymy · 07/09/2023 14:15

To say goodbye to single life ? Most people who're getting married haven't been single in bloody years and said goodbye to that life a long time ago ! What a lame excuse.
Why men get away with this shit is beyond me, oh I don't mind my man going to a strip club watching other women twirl around a pole naked, sometimes paying for a private dance, it's just what they do 🤷‍♀️
please !!

Shade17 · 07/09/2023 14:27

It very much depends on which European city he’s going to. There are certain cities where the only reason for going on stag are the strip clubs! I’ve seen these clubs with my own eyes, it’s pretty much anything goes, everything has a price.