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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me understand why I’m annoyed.

39 replies

Benandjerrysbonnoffeepie · 07/09/2023 11:14

I’m struggling to understand why I’m annoyed or even if I should be annoyed and how to explain it to DP.

We have a month old DS, who’s a bit of challenging baby (although very lovely!). I’m struggling a bit with feeding (DS is breastfed) and getting much sleep. DP is supportive and does take baby when he can so I can sleep.

DP works really long hours, sometimes leaving at 7am and not home again till 9pm (different on different days). I find this tough being alone so long, although I am meeting up with friends and started some classes with DS

My DP has just announced that on the weekend he will be out for a meal and drinks with friends till late on. This has really got my back up. I don’t want to seem controlling but I’m now dreading Saturday as another day alone with DS and a bit resentful about it as struggling a bit loneliness.

or AIBU because he works hard and does what he can and it’s a one off night out?

OP posts:

Booklover40 · 07/09/2023 11:17

Because he’s a selfish arse, that’s why. Your baby is a month old ffs and he’s off out for a night with the lads - I’m guessing this will become a frequent thing.

Tell him you’ll be doing the same the month after with your mates - you can pump some milk out for bottles!

WtfHormones · 07/09/2023 11:18

Have you had a night or day off at the weekend? If not please arrange one. Ideally each week you'd have some child free time and not just to sleep but for something fun or relaxing.

He shouldn't be announcing it he should be checking if you're upto looking after both of yours baby for another day/night of the week.

CatMattress · 07/09/2023 11:18

Have you told him you're tired, lonely and struggling? If he knew all this and made plans without you then he's an arse. Not sure how to deal with that situation because I doubt you saying anything else will make any difference if he's already decided.
If he doesn't know this and thinks you're doing ok then, alright, he's a bit clueless, thoughtless and not very imaginative, but you need to start by communicating your feelings and needs.

amidsummernightsdream · 07/09/2023 11:19

You’re not being unreasonable. It’s really hard at that age, especially trying to establish breastfeeding.
Have you explained to your DP how you feel?
My husband went on his first night out at around 8 weeks when I had mastitis and was really struggling. It was a friend’s birthday and decided although it was tough, he should go.
I think there’s a conversation to be had, so he understands how you feel and how difficult things are for you right now.
Is he supportive, helpful, hands on otherwise?

GarlicGrace · 07/09/2023 11:22

YANBU and neither is he.

You're starved of adult company. He gets plenty.
He gets very little downtime. You get plenty.
Neither of you gets enough time together.

It would be better if the pair of you could go out together, as a couple or with friends, to reconnect with yourselves and each other. Is this going to be a possibility?

Meanwhile, I think you explained yourself well in your OP. Tell him that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/09/2023 11:24

You have a tiny baby and you’re supposed to be a partnership. He shouldn’t be ‘announcing’ anything. He sounds very selfish in this instance.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/09/2023 11:28

GarlicGrace · 07/09/2023 11:22

YANBU and neither is he.

You're starved of adult company. He gets plenty.
He gets very little downtime. You get plenty.
Neither of you gets enough time together.

It would be better if the pair of you could go out together, as a couple or with friends, to reconnect with yourselves and each other. Is this going to be a possibility?

Meanwhile, I think you explained yourself well in your OP. Tell him that.

I agree with this.

MyFetch · 07/09/2023 11:29

GarlicGrace · 07/09/2023 11:22

YANBU and neither is he.

You're starved of adult company. He gets plenty.
He gets very little downtime. You get plenty.
Neither of you gets enough time together.

It would be better if the pair of you could go out together, as a couple or with friends, to reconnect with yourselves and each other. Is this going to be a possibility?

Meanwhile, I think you explained yourself well in your OP. Tell him that.

This.

Also, be kind to yourself. The early newborn stage is unspeakably ghastly, IME, and having a ‘challenging’ baby (mine was) is pure hell. You are doing way better than I was.

It does get better, but I remember exactly how isolating maternity leave was.

Turtlegurl888 · 07/09/2023 11:30

GarlicGrace · 07/09/2023 11:22

YANBU and neither is he.

You're starved of adult company. He gets plenty.
He gets very little downtime. You get plenty.
Neither of you gets enough time together.

It would be better if the pair of you could go out together, as a couple or with friends, to reconnect with yourselves and each other. Is this going to be a possibility?

Meanwhile, I think you explained yourself well in your OP. Tell him that.

Looking after a baby day in day out comes with very little downtime IME. Not to nitpick but at least when you're at work you can drink a coffee while it's hot and go to the toilet alone. Also massively depends on your baby's temperament of course.

BubziOwl · 07/09/2023 11:32

Very selfish of him - also if he's out the house so much, does he not want to take the chance to spend time with his month old tiny baby?!

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 11:33

Neither of you are unreasonable - you just need to communicate more.

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 18:24

One month old? Is this your first?

He needs to stay home. In solidarity with you

You're stuck in . Stuck to the sofa, feeding a tiny newborn. He can bloody well keep you company

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 18:27

And as for "downtime "? Id rather be at work

amidsummernightsdream · 08/09/2023 06:54

Yes I’m sorry but who ever said you get downtime with a 1 month old is quite frankly taking the piss. Op ignore that comment.

@GarlicGrace if you had plenty of downtime with a 1 month old. Lucky you. But that is the exception rather than the norm. Don’t state it as a fact to a mum of a one month old who is struggling. Shame on you!

Quitelikeit · 08/09/2023 06:59

as you are BF then I guess it will be hard to get a night out

I can understand why you’re upset as it’s so hard and tiring in the early days but I don’t think he’s the devil for wanting a night out.

I mean just because you can’t go out doesn’t mean he shouldn’t

I’d let him go without fuss

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 08/09/2023 07:01

I guess some mums of 1mo babies would be OK with this but I certainly wouldn’t have been. He should be wanting to a) help you and b) spend time with his baby whenever he gets the chance.

wildwestpioneer · 08/09/2023 07:03

You're a month in and it's a massive change, especially for you.

You're Brest feeding so don't have the option of going out, what your dh should be doing is going out together, even if it's during the day/

You're not being controlling by telling him this. I'm sure he doesn't realise it, but he's being pretty selfish and not taking your feelings into consideration.

It's time for you to sit down and have a 'warts n all' conversation.

JaukiVexnoydi · 08/09/2023 07:04

When is he planning on sorting out equivalent time off for you?

What a selfish knob.

Catsonskis · 08/09/2023 07:05

Oh love. I’d be annoyed too! Your baby is so tiny you both need help still. So selfish.

my husband also works long hours/away and I remember being devastated when he would go out on a Saturday, I’d grity teeth and get on with it but he never did it u til the baby was much older (and I really couldn’t complain by then) but it still pissed me off.

honestly, I’d just tell him. And say that’s fine but I’m lying in bed all morning Sunday and you can take baby, just bring me him when he needs fed. Have a lovely lie in and a soak in the tub, then go out for a coffee or something

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 08/09/2023 07:08

I would not have been impressed if my DH did that when our DD was that old. Although she has a lovely temperament I was still getting to grips with breastfeeding, she didn't sleep well and gosh the days are so long. I remember being so excited for my DH to get home so I could just have 30 mins to myself. I would have been really sad if he decided to leave me to it at the weekend too.
Hopefully he is just being thoughtless and you need to talk through how you're feeling.

Maddy70 · 08/09/2023 07:12

Yabu. He's allowed time with his friends. As are you.

Make sure you also get them to yourself

pastaandpesto · 08/09/2023 07:13

I don't think YABU. There's nothing wrong with him wanting or even having a night out. But with a month old baby he sure as hell shouldn't be "announcing" he is having one to his exhausted, breadfeeding wife.

He should have asked you how you felt about it, whether there was anything he could do to make things easier while he was out, and making compromises (eg going for the meal but not staying for drinks). He shouldn't get to unilaterally decide how he spends his free time right now - he's a parent.

Curseofthenation · 08/09/2023 07:14

I would definitely be annoyed. I would focus in on the fact that he can't make unilateral decisions about his weekend plans now that he has a very young family. At this point, I would probably say that you would appreciate it if he was home by x time and cite your reasons from the OP.

Birdsongsinging · 08/09/2023 07:15

You are annoyed because you have no ‘downtime’ and he is planning this. Do you get help from anyone else? Could you have friends round?

Until breast feeding is established and you can have time away from the baby he needs to limit his time away especially given his working hours.

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 07:17

He should have asked you how you felt about it. The uncomfortable feeling you have is because you can't just decide to go out if you fancy it but he can. He has that freedom if he chooses and you don't. He also assumes you will have the baby (which obviously you will but it doesn't give him the right to treat u like an unpaid babysitter)

You need to talk to him about this. Explain that you don't have issue with him seeing friends but he does have to take yours and the babies needs into consideration and make decisions as a unit . The baby is his too and equally his responsibility he can't just come and go as he pleases now. If this has been genuine thoughtlessness on his part he will understand.

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