Help me understand why I’m annoyed.

[Benandjerrysbonnoffeepie]

I’m struggling to understand why I’m annoyed or even if I should be annoyed and how to explain it to DP.

We have a month old DS, who’s a bit of challenging baby (although very lovely!). I’m struggling a bit with feeding (DS is breastfed) and getting much sleep. DP is supportive and does take baby when he can so I can sleep.

DP works really long hours, sometimes leaving at 7am and not home again till 9pm (different on different days). I find this tough being alone so long, although I am meeting up with friends and started some classes with DS

My DP has just announced that on the weekend he will be out for a meal and drinks with friends till late on. This has really got my back up. I don’t want to seem controlling but I’m now dreading Saturday as another day alone with DS and a bit resentful about it as struggling a bit loneliness.

or AIBU because he works hard and does what he can and it’s a one off night out?

I think you'd be unreasonable to insist he stays with you however I do understand your misery. I'd be more likely to ask for a title for tat treat later...you've essentially earning some 'points'. It might be good for both of you.
BTW...agree to a reasonable home time and don't bother him whilst he's out. When he gets home remember you're both on the same side and it won't always be this hard x

OP, you have my upmost sympathy as someone who's partner also works extremely long hours - nights away too. It is HARD work, for both of you. Nobody properly understands your relationships dynamics unless they have a similar set up. People who have partners who only work 38-40 or 9-5 hours a week will never understand and will instantly make your DP out to be the bad guy, regardless. If this set up is working for the most part for you both and he is in other ways supportive and helpful when he is home, then I don't think one night out is an issue. Although I completely understand how annoying it is from your perspective. I've been there and it can feel very lonely and unfair at the time. As long as (when you're ready) he's happy for you to do the same and as long as his nights out don't become a regular thing, there shouldn't be a problem. Only you know your DP well enough to know if he's pulling his weight enough at other times and if this is likely to be an ongoing issue or if it's just a one off for him to let off some steam after juggling a newborn with very long hours.

Also, make sure you are communicating how you are feeling. If you feel lonely - tell him. If you would like more quality time with him (when baby and his hours allow) tell him. In my experience, our relationship has worked well around my DH's hours when we have both been communicating well and working as a team on the same page. It has also worked best when we are BOTH having downtime. Just because one partner isn't around the children as much as the other one, doesn't mean they don't also need some downtime away from the home with their friends - working long hours and then coming home to a crying baby and a tired and stressed partner is emotionally and physically draining, just as much as being the mum at home for long times each day on her own, but for different reasons. It's tough on you both and unless you work as a team, it'll be a very difficult road.

I actually had a thread on here a while back about my husband's work hours and him going out a lot. This is years down the line for us with 2 older kids, not babies, and a different scenario to your current situation and the problem is long fixed and we're back to our happy selves now, but it was something had I not addressed properly and had we not communicated and worked together to overcome, could've been the end of us. Turned out my DH was suffering depression and didn't want to 'burden' me with it because he knew how much I already had on my plate, so was looking at other ways to let off steam - which in turned made me resent him for being able to just up and go out when he wanted, when I couldn't do the same. Unbeknownst to him, the ways he chose to let off steam actually really upset and angered me and the issue spiralled until we finally had a good heart to heart and both laid our feelings on the line. He hadn't realized how selfish he was coming across and didn't realize just how much I was struggling and I hadn't realized what he was going through and wasn't seeing things from his perspective. We just had to get back to working as a team, like we used to.

What some people on here will never understand is that if one partner is working extremely long hours, it is hard on the BOTH of you, for very different reasons. But essentially, only you know your partner. If he's a good man, good dad and good partner and this is likely to be a one off or occasional thing, support him and wish him a good night out. But just make sure you let him know how you're feeling and that you'd also like some downtime when the time is right. You both need it, not just him.

Is there any chance he can change his working pattern now that he is a Dad and has responsibility to his child? Does he choose to work late or is there flexibility in his working hours? What job does he do that requires him to be out of the house from for 14 hours? How long is his commute?

I certainly didn't have lots of downtime during the day with a 1 month old, it is a hard slog most of the time, scheduling your toilet breaks around breastfeeding which just feels constant. It can feel lonely and isolating too with a huge weight of responsibility for a newborn.

I can see why he wants to see his friends but I can also see why this is not the time, you are struggling and it feels like he has ignored that comment from you. You need to have a talk to him and tell him how much you rely on him being there to parent his child which gives you a break. Going forward you need to think about the fact that he has never sole parented that baby, you are always in the house too. It feels different if you know you can wake someone for support. Once breastfeeding gaps become bigger you should go out and leave him alone with the baby.

I have a similar situation (though my ds is a bit older now). My partner works very long hours 6 days a week (I work the 7th day so we get no days off together). So therefore whilst I understand he also needs time to do his own thing and relax when he can, I want him home/with us if he finishes early so we can have some family time. If he worked Mon-Fri 9-5 I’d be fine for him to go do his own thing more often. So yeah, it’s tough. Even though I know he needs time for hobbies, with such limited time off I feel that time should be with his partner and child.
But especially with a baby so young, tell him how you’re feeling, and that you’d really appreciate him being home when he can, at least for now. Or if not, try to get friends round to keep you company.

You're annoyed because your exhausted and you've had a huge change of lifestyle. I remember going from working since I was 15 and having almost every freedom in the universe to being at home with a baby being one of the most challenging times in my life. I had a supportive partner but at the same time one who could still 'nip for a pint' after work or say yes to social gatherings at the drop of a hat. I became very resentful as I was not controlling in nature but became envious of his ability to still have those freedoms. You need to have a chat with him and also arrange some time for yourself even if it is just meeting a friend for coffee on the weekend, a lie in or maybe go to lunch together if you have a childcare option for an hour or 2 (no way I could make passed dinner in those times, would be dozing by 8pm 😂)

Its intense, talk to him and let him know. By the way as annoying as this phrase is - it will get better 💐

Because he's not showing solidarity and is doing something you can't easily do.

Agree

People are just going to tell you he’s being selfish but it doesn’t sound like that’s necessarily the case.

Could you just talk to him and tell him how you feel? That you’d like him to be around more for support?

It's very selfish of him. Does he really needs to be out of the house for that long of time anyway every day? What is his job and his commute?

As PP have said your DP isn’t the devil for wanting a night out and you’re not unreasonable for feeling teed off about it.

DP and I found the early stages incredibly hard and we had very similar jostles.

I ended up just telling DP bluntly but kindly that I dreaded him going out because I felt quite isolated and starved of adult connection and at the same time totally understood him wanting to go out, I wished I could do the same and was a little jealous of all the freedoms he seemingly had that I didn’t.

Turns out he just got a bit blindsided by his own lack of sleep, the change of suddenly being a dad and financially responsible for me and DD, he felt a bit distanced from his own friends that had older kids and were at a different stage of life and everything was also affecting his work and he just didn’t think among all of that.

Just talking about it made a huge difference to us both and I think it brought us closer together. He still went and I was happy for him too, he’s since been incredibly thoughtful when it comes to things like that.

It’s hard to have time to yourself when BF but DP suggested ‘off duty’ days and it was one of the best things we did then. It’s not for everyone I appreciate and at 1 month it might be a bit early but when BF was established except for times I was feeding he would be in charge of DD. I would be in other rooms and in my ‘off’ time I would read, take baths, nap, take walks and catch up with friends on the phone or pop out for a coffee, book a massage. It doesn’t seem like much because it was only in small bursts of the day but mentally it made such a huge difference and I remember really missing them both at the end of those days, feeling refreshed and like I had a bit more control over my life. It’s not like life was all rainbows and sunshine because of it but it brought some balance in and I certainly felt less resentful and less lonely.

Thinking about it, I could do with another one of those 😂

I hope you find a way that works for you and congratulations on new motherhood. As someone else said, and yes it can be annoying to hear, it gets better xx

Nip this in the bud. When he's not working, you're 50/50 responsible for this child. You're not the default parent.

This!

If your baby was 6m+ then I might say yabu but at one month when it’s your first and you’re still overwhelmed with it all and he’s not around much otherwise then he should still be at home supporting you and taking the pressure off rather than going out. There will be plenty of other occasions for him to go out in the future when you have established a bit more routine and relaxed into motherhood more. Definitely talk to him about how you feel and tell him you need him to stay with you for now, but it won’t be forever.

It's fine for him to be going but it's also OK to be annoyed. Your life has massively changed and but he still has some of his old life.
BF is lovely but utterly draining and you are tied to the baby unlike your partner.
I'd have a discussion that you are struggling for company and you know he can't chnage anything but you just need him to hear you and sympathise.