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Original poster

To ignore this friend request in fb from someone bullied me at school

57 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/09/2023 08:02

I’m not losing sleep or anything over this. I’m just curious as to what other people think. I’ve joined a certain fb group . One of the other members sent me a friend request and a message via messenger- so she obviously remembers me. She was a bully at my primary school and my senior school. I actually moved schools partly because of her. She made my life hell at times for a good few years. I know she was also a kid back then and I’m fully aware people change. And it was a long time ago. It’s no big deal . But I still don’t feel comfortable with it .

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 07/09/2023 21:31

I bet lots of famous folk who were bullied at school have stories like Sarah’s.

I think that in general, some adults look back and think their behaviour was just the normal cut-and-thrust of being a teen. Especially the psychological bullies (as opposed to the punchy ones).

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 21:43

bagpuss90 · 07/09/2023 08:11

I realise I don’t have to accept - also I’d like to think I don’t hold a grudge . It’s more curiosity as to what other people’s views on it are

Why would you like to think you don’t hold a grudge?

You should hold a grudge against bullies.

BiscoffBear · 07/09/2023 22:38

I was subtly psychologically bullied by a girl at school. It really affected my sense of self- worth for years.
We’re in our 50s now and I still see her sometimes as part of a wider school friendship group. I think she’s very conscious about how she treated me and she knows I sense that. She’s not had as happy a life as I’ve had since school and that gives me a quiet little smidgeon of satisfaction and a sense of karma.
I really do feel that you reap what you sow.
OP - in your case I’d be tempted to give your ex-bully a ‘Sarah Millican’ reply and then block her.

Banjojo · 07/09/2023 22:59

I’ll always remember getting an email notification of a FB friend request from my former school nemesis. She had been a friend on and off but then became a bitter enemy who caused a lot of misery. I didn’t see her request for a few days as I was on holiday with no wifi. When I got home and logged on to FB, the request had been withdrawn. Either she had a clumsy trigger finger and added me by mistake while stalking, or she decided to withdraw her request as I was slow to respond. I wouldn’t have accepted her because I know her only reason for adding me was to get a chance to nosey through my photos and find out whether I was successful etc.

If a friend request from someone makes your heart sink, just trust your gut and ignore them. They might well be lovely reformed characters now the years have passed but that doesn’t matter. Who wants to be laden down with people from the past who give you negative vibes!

GLORIAGloriarse · 07/09/2023 23:05

I would just ignore someone in this situation. You were perfectly fine without her as a Facebook friend. What sort of thing did her message say, any apology?

xyz111 · 07/09/2023 23:19

I always think kids aren't born mean. If she was a bully, there must be a reason ( not excusing it as it's awful, but kids aren't bullies for no reason). She could be wanting to get in touch to reach out and make amends. But of course totally up to you, you have the right to call ignore and block

NumberTheory · 07/09/2023 23:20

I have an high bar for FB friends so it wouldn’t occur to me to accept one from someone I felt uncomfortable with. My standard is - would I let them stay in my house when I was away?

I can see the argument that you might want a nosey at their account, but for the most part I think it’s just not worth thinking about what someone you didn’t like and whom you’ve had no contact with for years has been through. Far better to focus your attention on people you like.

MyGardensAMess · 07/09/2023 23:35

I wouldn't consider accepting a friend request from anyone who bullied me at school. It's many years later and I don't want anything to do with them. I don't even care if they have 'changed'. They are no longer part of my life and have no place in it. I'd rather leave them in the past. They are not invited into my present.

It's nothing to do with grudges, or not having grudges. They have negative vibes attached to them and why would I want that in my life?

Orangebadger · 07/09/2023 23:40

A girl that bullied me in secondary school also FB friend requested me, I think this is the 3rd time! Ignore and really don't feel bad about it!

PrestonHood121 · 08/09/2023 00:23

Instant decline the times its happened to me.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 08/09/2023 00:31

Sarah Millican has this exact conversation on one of her shows.
I'm not sure if people just don't realise the effect they had on others lives, or if they're more 'well that happened ages ago so it's OK now' type.
Unless they messaged and gave a sincere apology I'd def not link with them, and even if the apology was there I still might not!

MermaidMummy06 · 08/09/2023 00:36

I did this in person. Ran into an old friend who constantly dumped me for better offers & excluded me a lot.

She'd moved back to town & was saying how she'd been too nice, taken advantage of in the last couple of years & had no friends here.

I just acted non committal and said I was busy. She got the message although probably thinks I'm being the bitch. I literally have no desire to go backwards with people who treated me poorly.

DiscoBeat · 08/09/2023 00:57

I wonder why. Maybe they want to apologise? I wouldn't accept a friend request but would probably message them to say that I was surprised to receive a friend invite given the history. I would be too curious to ignore it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/09/2023 01:11

But if you message them through a friend request don't they have access to your FB page?

I hardly ever use FB so every few months when I go on I decline the majority of the friend requests.

Mystro202 · 08/09/2023 02:27

I declined a friend request from an old foe (bully ) which I declined and a few weeks later she moved in next door to my parents ! Doesn't even say hello now if I'm at parents house.

mjf981 · 08/09/2023 02:40

She just wants a nosey at your life. Decline the request and give it no more thought. Repeat as needed (I have one who re-requests about every 6 months for some reason).

Newnamehiwhodis · 08/09/2023 02:43

i personally would not accept, and would probably block, especially if I felt any kind of bad memory when looking af that person’s name. Life is too brief for that shit

SplendidUtterly · 08/09/2023 03:43

Decline and block.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2023 04:35

Someone in part of a bullying group went to a school reunion some years ago. She was more on the periphery really even though the bullying started because I was chatted up by someone she was ‘seeing’. Pathetic. Except the thing is he was much older and living with his gf, who he got pregnant at around the same time (vile man).

She now works with disadvantaged teens and teens with mental health issues. I thought that was ironic but maybe her family background was hard. She was very nervous around me and I just nodded that it was fine. I would not have had the same reaction to the main bully or her cronies.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 08/09/2023 04:43

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then don’t accept. Although some people are just plain horrible and don’t change, many people do as they mature and grow up. I think if my bully sent me a heartfelt apology I might consider it depending on the circumstances.

I was never a bully but as a teen there was one or two people I said things to that I regret in retrospect as a more mature and wiser adult. I think for a lot of people having their own children also changes them a lot!

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 05:30

I'd ignore/delete. She's not in your headspace anymore therefore you don't need to know about her or her situation.

Florabundance · 08/09/2023 08:43

I remember some years after leaving school I was out shopping when I bumped into a girl I'd known at school, although she'd never physically attacked me she'd gone out of her way to be unpleasant and make me feel uncomfortable probably because I was quiet and shy so rarely attempted to defend myself, she greeted me like as if we'd been the best of friends and introduced me to her companion "oh we were at school together" she said "and didn't we have fun together" she added, then to her friend "we didn't half get up to some pranks together"...seems that some people just go into denial about past behaviours and choose to develop a selective memory it seems !

Latenightreader · 08/09/2023 09:59

I had a message from a former bully a couple of months ago. She said she had come to realise how badly she and her cronies had treated me and apologised for her actions. I did reply, thanked her for the apology and asked what had prompted it - she saw how her child loves to curl up in corners with books, one of the things I used to get bullied about. She also said she had a very unhappy childhood, but recognised it didn't excuse her behaviour.

I think a big difference is that she didn't ask to be friends, and she didn't minimise things.

ETA: I have ignored requests from bullies (and school acquaintances) in the past - if it didn't come with a message I'd just ignore.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/09/2023 11:46

I wouldn't accept but I am friends on fb with a girl who bullied me a bit. We were sort of mates but she was mean to me for a while. Anyway her dad passed the other week and she said finally I can tell the world he sexually abused me for years. Explains a lot but I still don't think it was right to make my life hell

NotTerfNorCis · 08/09/2023 12:48

I had the same thing - someone who was once a nasty, manipulative girl sent me a friend request. I ignored it. This girl's MO was to act very nice and sweet then turn on you. And to lie constantly. I wouldn't trust her now any more than I did then.