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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says his whole life is terrible

50 replies

bizzybeing · 06/09/2023 22:18

DH struggles with depression and is going through a bad phase at the moment as his work is challenging and he's just been told that he has to give up a sport he loves as a result of injury. The issue I have is that he more fairly regularly tells me that his whole life is s#*t which by extension feels like it includes me and our DC. When I challenge him he says of course he doesn't mean us but the regularity with which he complains about his "whole life" is really starting to wear me down and feels like the DC and I simply aren't good enough.

AIBU to get upset by this?

OP posts:
Hawkins0009 · 06/09/2023 22:19

I can understand your perspectives, especially when he has a family to support and help.

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/09/2023 22:24

Yanbu. That's an absolutely awful thing to say to you. Would he be happier single? Would you?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2023 22:27

I'd be telling him that I love him, I want to support him, but that support has limits, and if he is going to keep banging on about his "whole life" being shit he can find somewhere else to say it and someone else to listen to it.

He needs to get help for himself or your marriage is doomed.

Nothingbuttheglory · 06/09/2023 22:29

It's the depression talking. What help is he getting with it?

Ricochetsandwhich · 06/09/2023 22:37

He’s depressed. That’s what depression is, hating your life and not being able to see or really care about the effect you have on your loved ones. Depression is a bastard. Help him get the help he needs and let his depressed comments bounce off you - easier said than done but try not to take them to heart and remember it’s the depression talking.

Original poster
bizzybeing · 06/09/2023 22:40

He refuses to get help and I've run out of ideas of how to try and persuade him.

I don't want to be without him but it really does feel like our marriage is doomed at times.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/09/2023 22:43

I think that's really selfish of him. I know depression by its nature makes you selfish...but he can't expect your support, indefinitely, when he won't do anything to support himself. That's putting the entire burden of care completely on you and will lead to your burn out and resentment and likely all blow up if and when you have to deal with the shit that life will inevitably throw at you. Where is your support going to be when times are tough for you? What is his long term plan to ensure your marriage survives and doesn't morph into a carer / cared fore type scenario?

PinkiOcelot · 06/09/2023 22:48

I would be giving him an ultimatum. Either he gets the help he needs or he can go elsewhere and tell someone else how shit his life is.

I know depression is awful etc, but not getting help is ridiculous.

StarBloo · 06/09/2023 22:55

Hes telling you it's not you though. You're listening to his first sentence but not the second one. He's depressed, so it will be the depression taking. If he won't get help, YANBU to feel how you do because it's a massive impact on you too.

bluebeardswife7 · 06/09/2023 23:04

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2023 22:27

I'd be telling him that I love him, I want to support him, but that support has limits, and if he is going to keep banging on about his "whole life" being shit he can find somewhere else to say it and someone else to listen to it.

He needs to get help for himself or your marriage is doomed.

💯

Noalcohol · 06/09/2023 23:04

He is depressed and even though he’s not verbalised it I bet he is likely contemplating suicide at times. He needs help especially now the endorphins from his exercise hobby will be less after he has had to stop. It’s not fair on you and it’s hard for you and the kids so YANBU. Unfortunately, if he doesn’t get help what more can you do?

Beezknees · 06/09/2023 23:08

Depression can make you feel like that. My mum has had depression her whole life. I've always had stable MH myself and would think "why aren't you happy with what you've got." Took a while for me to figure out that it wasn't personal against me and that it's not her choice to be this way.

However, you matter too. You shouldn't have to live on eggshells. He needs to be getting some help.

UniversalAunt · 06/09/2023 23:17

Put yourself first.
You really have to prioritise your own boundaries & your wellbeing as his depression - not him - is selfish & merciless. This self-absorption bordering on self pity is an aspect of clinical depression that is beyond being ‘a bit down’ & his lack of insight & motivation just reinforce how difficult his finds life. To be blunt, he is dumping his shit on you rather than get help - that is unfair & unhealthy.

I suggest that tomorrow you make an appointment for just you with your GP to talk about your wellbeing & ask for advice/signposting on how to cope with someone who is clinically depressed. The sole purpose is to talk about you, so you will be mentioning, & therefore informing your GP about your DH’s condition & comments. This does not breech his patient confidentiality. Should the reception drag their feet about giving you a f:f appointment, state clearly that it is about your mental health.

Still encourage your DH to seek help. Strongly urge him to see the GP, maybe ring Mind or look at the web pages. If he is building up to a self absorbed soliloquy, then suggest that he rings the Samaritans as they can listen & help him through that brief crisis - your doing this for him does not help him or you.

The point may come where you have to state that you need him to get professional help as his illness is affecting your health & wellbeing to the point where you need your own space.

He is ill, but not yet aware or able to grasp that his everyday grind is wearing down your love & goodwill. You have to look after yourself, put yourself first - not to look after him or save him - just so that you do not loose yourself.

TheNightTroll · 06/09/2023 23:19

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UniversalAunt · 06/09/2023 23:20

Oh, you have DC.

All the more reason for him to get help (again?) as his illness will be affecting your DC & these experiences of living with a depressed parent will ripple through their adult lives.

TheNightTroll · 06/09/2023 23:21

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Hawkins0009 · 06/09/2023 23:21

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Just because you don't believe in X thread does not make it automatically untrue, don't like a thread, heaven forbid there's the perspectives of not reading it.

TheNightTroll · 06/09/2023 23:24

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2023 23:24

bizzybeing · 06/09/2023 22:40

He refuses to get help and I've run out of ideas of how to try and persuade him.

I don't want to be without him but it really does feel like our marriage is doomed at times.

You have got to issue an ultimatum, right now. He either gets help or you will divorce him. FGS, do not raise your kids in this kind of environment. It's not your job to persuade him to do anything. It's your job to protect your kids.

EineKleineNachtwatcher · 07/09/2023 00:14

@Hawkins0009
You're really not helping here

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 00:15

EineKleineNachtwatcher · 07/09/2023 00:14

@Hawkins0009
You're really not helping here

My apologies, at the time it was frustration that got the best of me, especially after they were spamming a few threads I was on.

HateMyselfToo · 07/09/2023 00:38

I suffer from depression and have often felt like this. I have said it to my DH and I know that must be waring on him. I take medication and have had various forms of therapy, so from that perspective, I do try to help myself a little.

It's about hating ourselves and the world and not being able to see a way out of feeling like that. Feeling totally trapped by our mindset.
I wish I could offer a solution, but It's not about you and the DC not being good enough.

I think its okay to say you find that hard to hear and that you wish life felt better for him, not that you wish you could make it better for him - this is not your issue to fix, and ask what he needs from you in order to get the help he needs to make life bearable, not good, because in that state we don't believe life will ever be good.

He might surprise you and say you just being there or holding his hand helps. And that will be a massive thing, because you will have just helped him identify a tiny thing that isn't shit.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/09/2023 01:05

He refuses to get help

Tell him to shut up or ship out. Do you really want a life consisting of years and years of him whinging? Your emotional health will be shot to absolute pieces. No doubt he'll remarkably recover after that happens, and you won't get the support you're giving him now. Either way, life's too short and you only get one. Spending it with a blight who refuses to help himself is tragic

CallieQ · 07/09/2023 01:13

Tell him to shut up or ship out. Do you really want a life consisting of years and years of him whinging? Your emotional health will be shot to absolute pieces. No doubt he'll remarkably recover after that happens, and you won't get the support you're giving him now. Either way, life's too short and you only get one. Spending it with a blight who refuses to help himself is tragic

This is so harsh... when you are depressed it's not as simple as just 'getting help' and you're sorted. I suffer but really don't want to go down the medication route, taking mind altering drugs that cause horrendous side effects. Therapy is not cheap and doesn't always work

Winter2020 · 07/09/2023 01:57

I told my husband co-operating with medication was non negotiable for our marriage. That if he was a single man living alone he could choose to reject help but as a family man he has obligations to his family to play his part in getting and staying well. I don’t regret it.

I respect the view of the poster choosing that meds is not right for them but for me if my husband had rejected meds (when so depressed he didn’t know which way was up) I would have had to remove myself and our kids for our own wellbeing.

I would suggest an ultimatum OP - that your marriage depends on him seeking and accepting help.