DH says his whole life is terrible

[bizzybeing]

DH struggles with depression and is going through a bad phase at the moment as his work is challenging and he's just been told that he has to give up a sport he loves as a result of injury. The issue I have is that he more fairly regularly tells me that his whole life is s#*t which by extension feels like it includes me and our DC. When I challenge him he says of course he doesn't mean us but the regularity with which he complains about his "whole life" is really starting to wear me down and feels like the DC and I simply aren't good enough.

AIBU to get upset by this?

I’m sorry you find the idea of medication so bad @CallieQ or perhaps you have had a bad experience with medication? For my husband no horrendous side effects - just able to get his life back and function well through all the usual stresses and strains - for many years now.

If you haven’t used meds but just have worries I would urge you to try them. What about the side effect of suffering depression on your life? Those side effects are pretty horrendous?

You're not going mad.
You are not unreasonable either - he is an entire human who can take responsibility for himself. If he's managing to hold down a job, then he's managing not to break apart and sob In front of the people at work. I bet he's not telling everyone (friends, family, work HR) that EVERYTHING is terrible.
Maybe he's just exaggerating, but WHOLE LIFE means he may be struggling to cope outside the front door.
If he's managing somethings then there is hope.

Like others (and I have experienced this).it's easier to say its everything / everyone else.

I left mine (like a total hard-faced cow) and took my own (fragile mental health, thanks to him) with me. In my own house with our DC I'm.much better!
He 'managed' his own WHOLE LIFE through OLD. Still managing , 8 yrs on...

A WIFE IS NOT REHAB FOR AN UNWILLING / BROKEN MAN.
(You can choose to help others, there's no automatic right that women sacrifice their own life to fix a troubled man (wanted to write 'troubled wanker', there...)

Just a though re the sport OP - cold water/open water swimming is supposed to be amazing for depression. If he likes a sporty challenge get him to try it. If you google you will find clubs where there will be organised swims/marshalls etc.

Depression isn’t an excuse for treating you like shit. I’ve had/have depression… thank god for sertraline!

But you should be upset and you should tell him that!

DH had two bouts of depression one medicated and therapy and the second just therapy.
After the second had passed I told him that I couldn't stay through that again, any further depression needed medication for support.
I don't think he realized just how serious I was and it has never reoccurred.
But it was horrendous and to be fair DH did have weekly therapy.
Depression is the most selfish and self absorbed disease, I understand it isn't the individual's choice or fault but it is still very difficult to cope with as a partner. Particularly if dc are involved.

She’s not his carer 🙄

Agree with this heavily.

he has obligations.

Your poor poor children (also poor you too OP)

women all around the world experience post partum depression and a lot of the time don’t even know they have it because they’re told it’s normal.

Where is the weekly therapy for them? There isn’t, and the majority of fathers and partners to those women don’t notice either.. Especially with other DC.

Women everywhere still run a house, breastfeed, clean bottles, battle with a toddler whilst suffering with the same.

And those women don’t be an absolute arsehole to their partner. Your DH absolutely knew what he was doing and the replies saying the same about their DH is crazy.

Spot on really
I wonder how supportive he would be if the shoe was on the other foot

I agree with PP’s that you need to say that getting some help is non negotiable.

Also, although I agree with those saying that it’s the depression talking when he says his life is shit, I’ve learnt over a 20-year marriage that you simply can’t say such hurtful things to your partner. If it’s going to hurt them and make them feel terrible, you need to share those feelings with someone else, for example, a therapist, a close friend, etc. In this instance, a therapist would be the best person to talk to.

You’re his wife, not a doctor or therapist. He’s ill and he needs treatment from medical professionals, not you. Perhaps compare it to a broken arm-he wouldn’t ask you to x-ray and set the broken bone! He needs to get help now. All the best, OP💐

I don’t know why this is being made into a gender issue when it’s a depression issue. Women with depression can also find it difficult to function - not always battle on and “don’t know they have it”.

If the OP’s partner was a woman my advice would be exactly the same. Not everything has to be a battle of the sexes.

@Winter2020 Her husband has had to give up a sport and he’s telling his wife his life is shit? The one she’s making. He’s not finding it difficult to function it’s an inconvenience and I’m not dismissing depression I’ve had it myself.

Depression is an illness and if he won't do anything to get any treatment for it, then I think you are justified in giving up on him.

Thanks for all your input. We've had a good long chat about the impact what he says has on me. He's still not ready to get help but is at least considering it.

Loved the suggestion of asking how I could help make things less bad and he has really appreciated that. He's asked that I send more photos and messages when he's working away so that he doesn't feel so out of touch with what the rest of the family are doing. Easily done for me and I can really see how it would make a difference to him - we'll see if it helps when he gets back from the current trip!

Finding a new sport is also a really good suggestion. Sadly swimming isn't an option for him due to previous shoulder surgery (he a bit collects sporting injuries!) but he's going to look at other clubs locally to see what but be the best fit and he's ordered a rowing machine so he can least keep fit until he finds a club to join.

Never mind how he's feeling - I'm much more positive so thank you all!

Harsh but fair..... It's their life and children that are suffering. Nobody is obligated to martyr themselves at the altar of somebody's difficulties.

Don't worry about it, men always say whiny self-pitying shit like that.

He's still not ready to get help but is at least considering it.

Im glad that you’re feeling better, OP, but his attitude hasn’t really changed, has it? Is he able to make himself better then, without help? Or is he going to continue using you as his personal therapist?

For your own well-being, please at least make sure that you step back from this role.

So your ‘chat’ resulted in you putting in more to the relationship and him nothing but vague promises?

I couldn’t live like that. Your poor kids.

Thanks for all your input. We've had a good long chat about the impact what he says has on me. He's still not ready to get help but is at least considering it.

At least nothing. It's nothing. This should not be in any way acceptable to you. I guarantee you will be in the exact same position in less than a month. He says what you want to hear so you'll shut your mouth for a bit. And the merry-go-round keeps spinning. This nonsense with him has been going on for far, far too long. You are way past the point of accepting pitiful, half-arsed promises.

Leave him. Do it now, if you stay with this man it will be years of the same shit. Years of you asking yourself why he is perfectly capable of functioning normally with everyone else but.you. Years of not being enough, years of thinking you caused whatever shit he is going through at the time. Years of him promising to get help. He won't and that will be your fault too.

I say this as someone who has been through this. Get out. Get out now.

I have to agree with the others OP.
The outcome of the chat is more responsibility for you and no further action from him.
This is the wrong way around, you can't fix him, he needs to fix himself.
He is still pushing all the responsibility for change onto you.
Why is it still your job to make his life better while he does nothing towards this goal?
Does he work on making your life better as hard as you work on making his better?

I spent the best part of a decade trying (and failing) to get my depressed and self harming partner help.

Leaving him was what spurred him into action - it was too late for us by that point, but he finally got the help he desperately needed and I very quickly met a wonderful man and never looked back

So he's still not ready to get help ….

But he's perfectly ready to put you to more work to be his therapist by sending pictures and supportive stuff while he's away. He'll accept that, will he?

Put your foot down.

He's an adult with responsibilities and one of them is ensuring he's as well as can be to meet his responsibilities. Not putting more work in your hands that he should be doing himself.

Pick up phone.

Make appointment.

Stress mental health problems are making life difficult for whole family and say I need help.

How difficult can this be?

Even more so now @bizzybeing after this most recent conversation that you check in with your GP.

This new ‘phase’ has you more strongly cast as his ‘carer’ or custodian of the life he receives whilst he might consider undertaking the entirely reasonable sensible step of asking for help…right now when you & his DC need him. So I am not so jolly for you.

Being practical again, his asking now gets him into a tolerable NHS queue, but waiting until he gets to a crisis point so that he feels or is truly compelled to ask for help or intervention means queues again but the wait is harsh & barely tolerable, mostly bourne with you & your family taking the brunt.

I’ll say it again: promptly get yourself down to your GP for a chat about you & how his condition PLUS his intransigence or lack of insight affects your health & your DC. Acknowledge with your GP that you are morphing into his carer. Your GP will be relieved that you are there so that you are less likely to suffer the longer term impact on your own health.

PUT YOUR SELF FIRST.
If this feels like crossing your arms the wrong way round, then all the more reason to do it…

Go see your GP soonest & at least while he is away.