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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it or me or is it gaslighting

29 replies

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 13:58

So my partner says that when I’m drunk I can pick fights and when I’m due on I’m not very nice to be around.

we have just had an argument and I was neither of the above so wondering what he will blame this argument on.

I know I can bite easier when drunk and I don’t have a lot of patience generally when I’m due on but this is nothing to do with him. He can equally start arguments with me.

now I’m questioning if I am the unreasonable one or if he’s gaslighting me??

a recent example was his friend and partner recently came round to ours to watch the boxing. We had all been drinking and he made me move out of the seat sitting next to him so his mate could sit there. I took it offensively and was told I was out of order. Maybe I was, I’m just not sure!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/09/2023 14:06

Sounds like you don’t really get on so why bother staying with him

Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 14:08

They are the thoughts running through my mind at the moment

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 06/09/2023 14:12

Don't really think it sounds like gaslighting, more like you just don't get on. How often are you arguing?

Bonbon21 · 06/09/2023 14:15

How about you give up the drink and see if that helps/changes anything?

Reugny · 06/09/2023 14:16

He's not gaslighting you.

However he's shown he isn't into you.

You don't hang out as a couple then make your gf move so you can sit next to a mate.

CatAnnoyance · 06/09/2023 14:16

He doesn't seem very nice OP. Asking you to move seats so his mate can sit there and then saying you're out of order? I wouldn't label it as gaslighting but as others have said, it just sounds like you don't get on or are not compatible.

Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 14:27

i was annoyed about it and he made a comment that it was because I was drinking I wasn’t happy. I just wasn’t happy about being made to move from my seat next to him so his mate could sit there, nothing to do with me drinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 14:28

My issue is he blames me drinking or hormones and never that he has done something that has upset me in the first place

OP posts:
Reugny · 06/09/2023 14:34

Ask yourself why do you want to still go out with him when he is horrible to you and you argue all the time?

Motomum23 · 06/09/2023 14:39

It's not gaslighting but it is belittling your feelings as something that is only due to external factors. I'd leave him if you aren't seriously attached (kids, mortgage etc). If you are then it needs serious counselling.

Screwballs · 06/09/2023 14:59

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 14:28

My issue is he blames me drinking or hormones and never that he has done something that has upset me in the first place

You might be being pretty annoying. This is quite a one sided thread. It sounds like you get the hump quite easily and that can be grating. If you dont like each other, then break up. But dont use terms like gas lighting so lightly, that term is very real and very serious and not to be thrown about by someone having petty tiffs with their boyfriend over seats.

ManchesterLu · 06/09/2023 15:19

I'm not sure it's gaslighting if he's just pointing out times when you're difficult to get on with. It sounds like you agree. I know I'm hard to get on with when I'm due on, but DP doesn't make a big thing of it as he knows it's not easy to have such changing moods.

Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 15:25

Suppose it is one sided and maybe we just aren’t compatible or maybe it is me, oh I don’t know, just questioning everything right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 15:28

I know i have less tolerance when I’m due on and can be snappy but he’s quick to have a go at me about it when I wish he wouldn’t take it so personally, if he just laughed at me and gave me a hug we would have a lot less arguments

OP posts:
Screwballs · 06/09/2023 15:32

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 15:28

I know i have less tolerance when I’m due on and can be snappy but he’s quick to have a go at me about it when I wish he wouldn’t take it so personally, if he just laughed at me and gave me a hug we would have a lot less arguments

So you snap at him, he takes it personally because you've snapped at him, but you think he shouldnt take it personally? and if he didnt take it personally and just took you snapping at him all the time, you'd have less arguments? Really this sounds more on you right now than him. My OH wouldnt put up with me snapping at him all the time and he especially wouldnt sit there thinking its his job to turn it into a joke and hug me, it'd piss him right off, its really not very respectful.

You both sound very immature to be honest.

blacksax · 06/09/2023 15:32

Your partner made you get out of your seat so his mate could sit there? You were right to take exception - I would have been absolutely livid.

He's not gaslighting you, he's just unpleasant and has no respect for you. You need to dump him to be honest, and you probably also need to look at maybe cutting back a bit on your alcohol consumption.

silverbirches · 06/09/2023 15:35

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 14:28

My issue is he blames me drinking or hormones and never that he has done something that has upset me in the first place

He blames your drinking or your hormones so he doesn't have to admit that his behaviour was shitty and out of order. He is trying to make you think it is your fault instead. It isn't. He's an obnoxious arsehole.

thecatinthetwat · 06/09/2023 15:39

Ok, maybe it’s just me, but I would expect my partner to move if we had a guest. If that guest had come round to watch something with me, then yes I would ask my partner to move so that I could sit and watch with my friend.

your partner doesn’t sound very nice though and maybe he was rude or dismissive in his approach, it’s hard to say.

howlismoving · 06/09/2023 15:46

It's deflecting which if done enough can be considered gaslighting because it's distorting reality to put him in a more favourable light. He did something wrong (if he was rude when he asked you to move as you described) and rather than acknowledge that and apologise he's blaming you for it.

KrisAkabusi · 06/09/2023 15:47

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 15:28

I know i have less tolerance when I’m due on and can be snappy but he’s quick to have a go at me about it when I wish he wouldn’t take it so personally, if he just laughed at me and gave me a hug we would have a lot less arguments

I was sympathetic to you until this post. If the situation here was "I keep snapping at my girlfriend but she gets moody and won't give me a hug. It's all her fault for taking it personally", I don't think the man would be shown much sympathy. I think you need to consider that he may have a point and see if you are constantly at him.

Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 16:03

I don’t constantly have a go and snap at him, that’s probably come across wrong, I just have less tolerance and can be more sensitive than usual. A recent example was him asking me about 3 times whether he should buy some drinks in the shop, I just said yeah go on and then he asks again and again the same question and in the end I just snapped and said just get them if you want them, whereas if I wasn’t hormonal I might have discussed the pros and cons but at that moment I just thought just buy the god damn drink if you want it, he had cob on with me about it

OP posts:
Screwballs · 06/09/2023 16:09

God help me.

Original poster
Str3bor · 06/09/2023 16:11

Screwballs · 06/09/2023 16:09

God help me.

I know 🙄

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/09/2023 16:15

Hard to say on the info you've given. For example if his mare came round specifically to watch the boxing and you aren't bothered about watching it and he nicely asked if you wouldn't mind moving so that his mate could watch the TV then that's fine. If you like the boxing, and you could all see it but he was just being childish wanting to sit next to his mate or something and just expected you to move then it could be a bit rude. Also depends how you responded. If you told him later that you were upset then again fair enough but if you told him to fuck off or something in front of his mate then I can see why he is annoyed

champagneandff · 06/09/2023 16:24

My (abusive) ex used to say how cold I was when I'd had a drink. I could never understand as no one else had an issue with me drunk, and I didn't think I behaved any differently.

Like you, I used to have less patience with her when I was drunk, so her little comments would provoke more of a reaction.

The upshot was that I was more reluctant to drink because I knew that even suggesting it would get her in a mood. If I did go out, I was more preoccupied texting her being really nice so she couldn't accuse me of being mean to her.

It basically turned out to be another way for her to control my social life and keep me in a state of anxiety.

Now you may be a nightmare when drunk, I don't know! But I would be taking a look at the rest of your relationship to see if there's any other abusive signs there x