Is it or me or is it gaslighting

29 replies

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 13:58

So my partner says that when I’m drunk I can pick fights and when I’m due on I’m not very nice to be around.

we have just had an argument and I was neither of the above so wondering what he will blame this argument on.

I know I can bite easier when drunk and I don’t have a lot of patience generally when I’m due on but this is nothing to do with him. He can equally start arguments with me.

now I’m questioning if I am the unreasonable one or if he’s gaslighting me??

a recent example was his friend and partner recently came round to ours to watch the boxing. We had all been drinking and he made me move out of the seat sitting next to him so his mate could sit there. I took it offensively and was told I was out of order. Maybe I was, I’m just not sure!

OP posts:

Original poster

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 16:37

champagneandff · 06/09/2023 16:24

My (abusive) ex used to say how cold I was when I'd had a drink. I could never understand as no one else had an issue with me drunk, and I didn't think I behaved any differently.

Like you, I used to have less patience with her when I was drunk, so her little comments would provoke more of a reaction.

The upshot was that I was more reluctant to drink because I knew that even suggesting it would get her in a mood. If I did go out, I was more preoccupied texting her being really nice so she couldn't accuse me of being mean to her.

It basically turned out to be another way for her to control my social life and keep me in a state of anxiety.

Now you may be a nightmare when drunk, I don't know! But I would be taking a look at the rest of your relationship to see if there's any other abusive signs there x

This is exactly me, I don’t think I act any differently and I don’t manage to argue or fall out with anyone else when I’ve had a drink, in fact i always have a really good time when I go out for a drink with my friend or family, no issues whatsoever.

I now try my best to be extra nice if I have had a drink and if anything most of the time I end up crying if an argument starts rather than arguing back.

i’m also now scared to have a drink in case there is any disagreement and then he will blame me drinking. The thing is it’s not like we just argue in drink, we can often go out without any arguing and we can also argue sober, I don’t feel it’s specific to alcohol, I just think alcohol lowers inhibitions and he can be to blame also imo, it’s the lack of fault on his part that I struggle with.

OP posts:

2thumbs · 06/09/2023 16:59

This is not a defence of your partner as there’s nowhere near enough information to pick ‘sides’. However, is this an issue of consistency? Something that he has done when you’re sober might illicit a measured response, whilst you might ‘snap’ at the same thing when drinking? Having to navigate that would takes its toll on me

Original poster

Str3bor · 06/09/2023 17:37

i just think it’s a case of compatibility tbh

OP posts:

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 06/09/2023 17:56

You've said you'd prefer if he laughed at you and gave you a hug, but would you really? If he's irritated you/ you're a bit annoyed, are you sure him standing there laughing at you would make you feel better. I don't think that solution would work either.

Flip

1 2