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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is paranoid

30 replies

marriedtosydney · 06/09/2023 10:27

I used to have a good local friend. We'd meet for coffee most weeks, have each others' kids over for playdates and dinners after school etc. This friend is also a core member of my local social circle.

Since lockdown, my DH has taken a REALLY strong dislike to her. Says she's been rude and disrespectful to him, and he doesn't want her in the house, or our children to play together. When I've asked what the rudeness was, he said she ignored him on a couple of occasions, 'she's funny with me', she was 'talking about him'.

I can't believe that she has actually done anything. She's a lovely person, always willing to help out. I've never heard her say a bad word about anyone, and never heard anyone else say a bad word about her. DH's description totally does not match the person I know. Even if it were true, the level of dislike he displays is out of all proportion to the alleged crime. You'd think she'd beaten our children!!

'Thanks' to the pandemic, DH is now working from home and I'm struggling to resume any local friendships. I've explained that I feel very cut off, and need my friends. He says everyone else is fine, it's just this one person. And that I should prioritise him over her - as his wife, I should be on his side, believe him unconditionally, and cut her out of my life.

The trouble is, it's not just her. He's had outbursts about others in my social circle, including one who was a good friend of his for years before DH and I even met. He now either says he didn't have any problem with these others, or that it was just something tiny, and it doesn't bother him now.

When DH thought that my friend was badmouthing him to others in the village, I had a very vague chat with my friend to see what others thought of him. Thought I could reassure DH that no-one thought anything about him. That completely back-fired - he got extremely angry and hit me.

I think we need counselling. He thinks there isn't a problem.

OP posts:
MorvernBlack · 06/09/2023 10:32

He hit you. I think the rest is irrelevant. Counselling with an abuser isn't recommended, I dont think there is any future in a marriage with a man who hits you.
Please be careful and give Womens Aid a ring.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/09/2023 10:33

He’s a controlling, abusive prick who is threatened by you having independent friendships. You need to leave him.

Bananalanacake · 06/09/2023 10:34

He hit you, he is abusive and you need to leave. Stopping you seeing friends is very controlling.

user1492757084 · 06/09/2023 10:34

He needs to get back into the office and make some social contacts. If he won't can you both join a local "mixed netball team" or Men's Shed where you can leave him to interact with real people.

As for your friend, I would not sever contact with a real friend.

bertagarden · 06/09/2023 10:36

user1492757084 · 06/09/2023 10:34

He needs to get back into the office and make some social contacts. If he won't can you both join a local "mixed netball team" or Men's Shed where you can leave him to interact with real people.

As for your friend, I would not sever contact with a real friend.

He hit her. I don’t think netball is the answer

SullysTail · 06/09/2023 10:40

user1492757084 · 06/09/2023 10:34

He needs to get back into the office and make some social contacts. If he won't can you both join a local "mixed netball team" or Men's Shed where you can leave him to interact with real people.

As for your friend, I would not sever contact with a real friend.

Did you miss the part where he hit her? I wouldn't be joining a mixed netball team with someone who was physically abusive and trying to isolate me from my friends, I'd be leaving.

VeridicalVagabond · 06/09/2023 10:44

He wants you to be isolated. He's an abuser. Maybe your friend has noticed and he's clocked that and doesn't want her to help you realise the situation you're in. You must leave him, can you contact women's aid for advice? I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thewizardbinbag · 06/09/2023 10:47

Lockdown probably made him see how much he enjoyed having you trapped. Just with him. It’s over so now he is trying to isolate you, and he has hit you.

This man is abusive. Abuse doesn’t stop. It just gets worse. He is isolating you and has hit you. It will not be the last time he hits you.

Do you want to me another story in the news about a wife killed by her husband? Because that is the reality. No one marries a man they think will hit and kill them; it starts small and then those men kill their wives. Or beat them, and beat them and beat them. And cut them off from friends.

It is a very difficult thing to admit. You might be embarrassed, humiliated, sad, angry and in denial. But this is the life you are in now; married to an abuser and it will, 100%, get worse.

You need to accept this and you need to leave. Now. Pack up and go. Do not go back to him.

WinterCarlisle · 06/09/2023 10:48

He hit you and he is doing his damn best to control you and isolate you from friends / support groups. This is domestic violence and abuse. You need to leave him x

Thewizardbinbag · 06/09/2023 10:49

Counsellors won’t take you on. When you reveal that he hit you, you’ll be offered individual counselling but they won’t take you on for couples therapy as he is an abuser. They don’t do counselling when a woman is being abused.

Everyone else can see it. You need to see it too and you must leave.

MrsKwazi · 06/09/2023 10:49

He hits you
He is socially isolating you
He is showing you exactly who he is! An abuser!

itsmylife7 · 06/09/2023 10:49

Tell me more about,
He hit me ....... you're glossing over this fact

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2023 10:50

He’s violent to you: call women’s aid, get some advice and leave him

crumblylancs · 06/09/2023 10:53

OP I think the main part of that post is at the end.. he got angry and hit you- what happened in that situation? Has it happened on other occasions?

CurlewKate · 06/09/2023 10:58

He hit you. He leaves.

Sloth66 · 06/09/2023 10:59

He hit you. He’s abusive. That’s it. I would contact Women’s Aid.

TheCatterall · 06/09/2023 11:04

Hits you when you go against his wishes.

tries to alienate and isolate you from key support people in your life.

@marriedtosydney massive squishes but this is not a ‘we can work through it relationship’. If you don’t have the strength or can’t see it yet please see a therapist/counsellor (on your own) and talk to them. They will explain this is abusive behaviour.

Do not let him alienate you from support networks. Contact women’s aid. And I’d confide in friends and family so they could fully support you.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 06/09/2023 11:04

I agree with PP’s, he has hit you. Absolutely everything else is irrelevant. He is abusive, this is another tactic to control you. You are close to this woman and he doesn’t like it. Please speak to Womens aid.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 06/09/2023 11:06

And please please speak to your family or friends about the fact that he has hit you. It is not shameful, it is not ok and it is not on you to try and make sure others don’t think badly of him Flowers

RoomOfRequirement · 06/09/2023 11:06

He hit you? You have DC?

That whole story is irrelevant. Call Women's Aid and leave now.

ZadocPDederick · 06/09/2023 11:16

WTF? He hits you and he's trying to isolate you from your friends. He's an abuser and totally despicable.

Please call Women's Aid and start making plans to leave.

ilikemethewayiam · 06/09/2023 11:39

Did you report his physical assault to the police? There’s no going back after a physical attack. If he got away with it once, He knows he can get away with it again. It will escalate. Definitely contact women’s aid. Never enter into couples counselling with an abuser, not that they would take you on anyway.

Original poster
marriedtosydney · 06/09/2023 12:03

crumblylancs · 06/09/2023 10:53

OP I think the main part of that post is at the end.. he got angry and hit you- what happened in that situation? Has it happened on other occasions?

That was over a year ago. Hasn't happened before or since. Was a slap on the cheek. I just mentioned it to show that I can't talk to him or anyone else about the situation.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 06/09/2023 12:09

All the more reason you need to talk to someone else. Your DH isn’t “not abusive” because he only slapped you once—he us a very successful abuser because with a single slap he has controlled you for a year.

And he isn’t stopping with the slap—he is isolating you

Please reach out and get help to leave.

Begsthequestion · 06/09/2023 13:28

marriedtosydney · 06/09/2023 12:03

That was over a year ago. Hasn't happened before or since. Was a slap on the cheek. I just mentioned it to show that I can't talk to him or anyone else about the situation.

Show quote history

Will you leave when he hits you again?

Because he will.

You need to leave him.