DS doesn't want to go to school - what now?

[sa77698]

Posting for a handhold really

My DS is 16, his birthdays in August so a very young 16. He's struggled with his behaviour a lot throughout school, both at home and at school. It worsened in year 10 with constantly being disruptive, refusing to go, fighting etc. The attitude got worse at home too. He started year 11 last September which was no different, in fact it was worse. He got into a fight in January which was one of many and they were talking about excluding him and reminded him about how important the year was with GCSEs. He got upset and said he's going to fail them, he can't help his behaviour etc. We all agreed that it would be best for him to repeat year 11 and do them next year as he was very behind.

He's calmed down a bit at home and between January and now he was attending a PRU a couple of days a week and he was being home schooled as well as working on his anger, which has gotten better but not gone away completely.

It's supposed to be his first day of year 11 today, I'm worried so is he. He's concerned as he won't know anyone in his classes etc but he said on Sunday he doesn't want to go. He was sick Monday morning which I think was anxiety and last night he was complaining of stomach ache and told me he isn't going.

I will of course try and get him in, he doesn't need to be in until 10am so I may try to bribe him but if he doesn't go then I'm not sure what I'll do. His head of year is supportive but there isn't much he can do either.

I know it is too late now, but for the benefit of other parents in the same situation, repeating year 11 is a very bad idea.

OP, try looking for a college or sixth form centre that offers a GCSE resit year - he wont have any choice what he sits, it will be the EBACC, English, Maths, a science, a humanity and a language, but at least it is a possible way forward for him. Alternatively, there might be a BTEC level 2 course, such as science or health and social care, or sport, which he could take alongside English and Math GCSE

Can he go to a local college instead to get the basic GCSEs he wants but focus on moving forward to his next step

DS was very immature last year and wasn't ready for his GCSEs so we thought it would be best for him to redo the year. He'd also missed a lot of work due to school refusal.

He doesn't know what he wants to do after school and if he went to college and refused its likely they'd just remove him from the course so I don't think it’d be the best for him. I don't know what to do though as he's still refusing to go and he's already late now and he's gone back to bed.

well, school are just going to remove him from the course too - he is technically a sixthformer.

School isn't working for him now is it, first day and he is already refusing. Get some enrolment appointments at colleges, and take him along and see what they offer - he is going to be filling a gap in the classes rather than having full choice of subjects at this stage, but there still might be something that inspires him. Bricklaying? Plumbing? multi trades? BTEC level 2 science? sport? animal care? any of these can be done alongside maths and English GCSE - ideally this should have been done last week, but there is bound to be something, particularly as some students will be holding on to two offers, then dropping one at this stage, creating some vacancies

College is the way forward. Perhaps an apprenticeship?

Sounds very hard OP, I can't imagine. However, does sound like you're shifting the issue onto your sisters husband. They are both irrelevant here. Your problem is your DS. I'm not sure him going to your sisters necessarily solves matters.. it just delays them to come out much worse later on.

Sorry totally wrong thread!! Ignore me.

If he was refusing school then he'd be the same with college because the reason he was refusing today was because he was anxious. He has gone in the end.

decent apprenticeships are incredibly competitive, from what the OP says, her son is not in a position to compete for anything worth doing

anxious about what?

When it comes to anxiety and school, getting the child there each and every day where possible is incredibly important. If they don’t go it becomes much harder the next day, then much harder again etc.

https://amp.theguardian.com/education/2023/sep/05/children-with-mild-anxiety-better-off-in-school-says-chris-whitty

I agree with this. As a former teacher and headteacher, my experience tells me that repeating Y11 will not go well.

that's a bit rich coming from Professor DimWittey, the muppet who closed schools down for months on end!

Ok I have walked a similar path, its very hard.

Advice from me is get on to the Not Fine In School fb page - lots of very experienced people there (sadly), with good knowledge of options and legal positions.

I am not clear if he is still technically of compulsory school age, I'm thinking not?

It sounds to me like the anger and disruptive behaviour (and the anxiety) must be coming from somewhere, is there any SEN or trauma underlying that needs looking at? It sounds also like his self-esteem has taken a bashing.

If school has been the site and reason for the behaviour it is not necessarily the best place for him to continue to be? College is a different set up.

I would look at other options - and some colleges often have a range of flexible options, including just the basic Maths and English GCSEs - getting these at least this year would enable him to progress. Or as pp suggests a Level 2 with these GCSEs alongside.

@Sidslaw Not necessarily always a ‘very bad idea’. One of DD’s friends didn’t do as well as expected in GCSEs due to being in the unfortunate 2020 predicted grade cohort. School would have allowed him back to do A levels but not the ones he wanted due to high subject requirements (it’s a prestigious + well known grammar). Instead they gave him the option to resit the year which he took, did very well in, went on to do the A levels he wanted and is now off to university having done well in those as well. He was nervous about not fitting in with the rest of the year group but in reality it wasn’t an issue at all, he made another great group of friends and didn’t stand out as a year above whatsoever

Is anything clear about why he is feeling so angry, anxious and upset? Is anything happening with him, bullying etc? What lies beneath it? Fights don't come from nowhere, are the school trying to discover anything?

Contrary to what the government is churning out at the moment, emotionally based school avoidance is not as simple as "make them go in". Anyone who has worked with school attendance as part of their job would be able to tell you that it's complicated.

It doesn't sound like resitting year 11 is the right path for him if he is starting the year like this.

Does the school have a team of pastoral staff he could talk to, either his year managers/head of year, learning mentors, learning support staff? Different schools call them different things, but they might be able to help to identify if there's an adjustment that could work.

Failing that, he might be better looking at a college.

Full time education for the purpose of post 16 isn't the same number of hours as school. He could enroll on a level 1 course and redo his maths/English as a starting point, before progressing to level 2 next year. He might also be able to access some life skills or preparation for adult life programmes through charities such as the Prince's Trust. Each area does things slightly differently but most areas have something.

That is completely different, he finished the year, then retook it, I was referring specifically to situations in which a child is allowed to drop out part way through, on the understanding that they will return in September and start again. Neve a good plan. Children get out of the habit of attending school, and it is doubly hard to return. They also find themselves in the position of having NOTHING in their pockets, when even the weakest of their peers has a GCSE in something or other - very disheartening

Hi OP it's not clear from your post what his underlying issues are. He has anger and anxiety. Does that stem from hating school? Or does the hating school stem from his anger issues as he knows they will be triggered? Does he have any diagnosis? Has he been having any mental health support?

For example if he was witness to domestic abuse and has anger issues from that then I'd be tempted to take him out and sort out that first and then take it from there.

I guess what I'm saying is even if he doesn't like school it doesn't seem normal to get into so many fights he gets expelled so the underlying issues need to be addressed first but you haven't really gone into much detail about them

He would still be in year 11 if I deferred him as his birthday is very late at the end of August so he is much similar to his new classmates and should be ready for his GCSEs. He doesn't have an SEN that I know of and it's never been mentioned by school or anything.

He said he wasn't being bullied and he didn't know why he was disruptive and getting into fights etc, he said he'd just want to start being disruptive in lessons or he'd get angry.

He was anxious about going to school and not knowing anyone but I do think it is a good thing as he'd be able to get to know people, he stopped talking to most of his friends from last year as they wanted to focus on their exams and their parents didn't want them to be hanging around with him.

I appreciate this viewpoint and the reasons behind it, but from the OP it sounds like this is much more than "mild anxiety". I think it's probably way past that point.

I don't think his behaviour was due to anxiety, as he was exactly the same at home.

Sorry, OP, but this sounds like ADHD behaviour. Schools don't like mentioning it because it means they have to make allowances for him rather than just blaming him for being disruptive. Maybe it is worth getting an appointment with educational psychologist.

I have looked it up and he could have ADHD, his school wasn't very supportive at first and would just put him in isolation however his head of year seems to be supportive and DS has mentioned that he's going to he given a time out pass so he can leave lessons instead of being disruptive.

I would agree that he should be evaluated for ADHD and anxiety.

I know multiple kids who had similar issues and therapy and medication have been life changing for them.

They went from refusing to go to secondary school, to college graduates with good jobs.

I hope things work out for your son.