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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS doesn't want to go to school - what now?

32 replies

sa77698 · 06/09/2023 07:09

Posting for a handhold really

My DS is 16, his birthdays in August so a very young 16. He's struggled with his behaviour a lot throughout school, both at home and at school. It worsened in year 10 with constantly being disruptive, refusing to go, fighting etc. The attitude got worse at home too. He started year 11 last September which was no different, in fact it was worse. He got into a fight in January which was one of many and they were talking about excluding him and reminded him about how important the year was with GCSEs. He got upset and said he's going to fail them, he can't help his behaviour etc. We all agreed that it would be best for him to repeat year 11 and do them next year as he was very behind.

He's calmed down a bit at home and between January and now he was attending a PRU a couple of days a week and he was being home schooled as well as working on his anger, which has gotten better but not gone away completely.

It's supposed to be his first day of year 11 today, I'm worried so is he. He's concerned as he won't know anyone in his classes etc but he said on Sunday he doesn't want to go. He was sick Monday morning which I think was anxiety and last night he was complaining of stomach ache and told me he isn't going.

I will of course try and get him in, he doesn't need to be in until 10am so I may try to bribe him but if he doesn't go then I'm not sure what I'll do. His head of year is supportive but there isn't much he can do either.

OP posts:

cansu · 06/09/2023 19:35

Not all kids with ADHD are disruptive. Not all disruptive kids have ADHD.

itsgettingweird · 06/09/2023 20:52

sa77698 · 06/09/2023 10:07

DS was very immature last year and wasn't ready for his GCSEs so we thought it would be best for him to redo the year. He'd also missed a lot of work due to school refusal.

He doesn't know what he wants to do after school and if he went to college and refused its likely they'd just remove him from the course so I don't think it’d be the best for him. I don't know what to do though as he's still refusing to go and he's already late now and he's gone back to bed.

Change your mindset.

He wasn't immature and unable to sit GCSEs.

He was struggling with something and communicating this through behaviour.

He's already shown you he finds school too much.

Why did any professional encourage you to make him repeat.

You've said he's anxious. You cannot learn if your riddled with anxiety and he won't find it easy when already anxious to get close to people and have to tell them he's repeating.

Look at alternative education settings. Colleges can offer courses for pupils who don't pass GCSEs so it's out there.

itsgettingweird · 06/09/2023 20:55

Custardcreamking · 06/09/2023 13:42

When it comes to anxiety and school, getting the child there each and every day where possible is incredibly important. If they don’t go it becomes much harder the next day, then much harder again etc.

https://amp.theguardian.com/education/2023/sep/05/children-with-mild-anxiety-better-off-in-school-says-chris-whitty

They aren't talking about clinical levels of anxiety. It repeatedly says some level of worry is normal and they should be encouraged to face it. That's hardly a newsflash!

But anxiety that causes you to vomit and being unable to attend school for 2/3 of an academic year isn't normal worry. That's not what they are saying.

itsgettingweird · 06/09/2023 20:57

sa77698 · 06/09/2023 15:28

I don't think his behaviour was due to anxiety, as he was exactly the same at home.

Anxiety isn't a tap. It's not switched on and off. I'd say the fact he was like it at home and school is your biggest clue this wasn't a school issue.

Calmdown14 · 06/09/2023 21:34

Well done for encouraging him in.

It's quite understandable that he was nervous. I think most people would be in those circumstances.

How much of the disruptive behaviour was covering up an inability to do the work? If he's had a bit of additional learning through the PRU things might just click more for him this year. I think that's worth a shot to give him more choices in life.

Most of us given the option not to do something would take it. The more days he goes in the easier it becomes. I think once you start missing and constantly having to catch up it's a vicious cycle both of missed work and anxiety.

Take it a term at a time and keep plodding.

ThisNiftyMintCat · 29/03/2024 08:15

Put your foot down now before it gets harder. He is a young 16 but he is still 16.

Write him a letter and tell him that you appreciate its been hard for him and you are grateful for his effort getting it together this morning but you won't have a NEET young person living in your house because its not good for anyone in the family including him.

Tell him that you want to support him and see him thrive whether that's through getting his GCSEs or learning a trade. Tell him that if he passes his GCSEs this year you will help him get his licence/ provide driving lessons and or money towards a car. Say that if he goes to the gym at least twice a week you will pay for the membership. Buy him a month's gym membership card and a nice key chain as well as something related to his interests and leave that as well as the letter on his desk.

Good luck OP!

JFDIYOLO · 29/03/2024 08:29

How is he doing, OP?

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