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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cash for wedding gift

57 replies

PoshPineapple · 05/09/2023 16:10

Ok, I know I'm going to get blasted but I've braced myself....

I've just been reading a post about what amount of cash to give for a wedding present (when cash has been specifically requested), and it's put me in mind to ask what other opinions are on this?

I think I'm stuck in the 70's, because for the past 15 years or so, when we've been fortunate enough to be invited to weddings, almost always the gift specifications are something along the lines of "we don't need any more toasters thank you, but some money towards a holiday would be great". Why do I dislike this so much! I just feel that a request for money for a holiday is...oh, I don't know really, but I guess I find it a bit vulgar. Oftentimes, the couple have been together a long time and I understand that they don't want their house filled with stuff they neither want nor need. I'm afraid I have never given cash for a wedding gift and will never do so (the exception being our DS and his wife - they didn't want financial help towards the wedding from either side, so we gifted them cash to put towards a deposit for their first house).

Otherwise, if cash is requested we buy gift vouchers (typically one4all or another multi-shop voucher), and if appropriate for the wedding venue, a voucher for afternoon tea there (this has always been really well received and often used on their first wedding anniversary).

If you were getting married and a guest ignored your request for cash and instead gave you a gift voucher, would you consider it rude?

* leaves the building and runs for cover *

OP posts:
Mamasharp97 · 05/09/2023 16:48

If we hadn’t asked for money at our wedding we would have no savings left at all after our wedding- we combined a 3 bed and a 4 bed house into a 1 bed (I’m on mumsnet because I’m pregnant now) so if we had any more stuff we wouldn’t be able to move!

DongsOfPraise · 05/09/2023 16:52

Afternoon tea vouchers sound shite tbh. I mean, it’s fine if you like that sort of thing but a gift is meant to be for the receiver isn’t it? So it’s best to give something they’d actually like. Cash in this instance.

I’m way happier to give cash than have to piss about with a gift list and would give cash regardless. Hell, even better if they give me their bank details so I can transfer the money in 10 seconds flat instead of having to go to the ATM!

telestrations · 05/09/2023 16:52

Vouchers are the worse gift ever I think something like 1/4 never even get spent. When they do you are forcing what store someone buys from and at what price and often to make up the difference. And that it has to be a thing from a store.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/09/2023 16:59

I think choosing to give a gift or voucher instead is fine - as long as you find out that there’s something the bride and groom would actually like and possibly team together with some other guests to buy it if it’s something expensive that they wouldn’t go out and buy for themselves. That’s a good gift. Despite having asked for cash, I’d love it if a few guests clubbed together to buy a Bramwell Brown barometer clock, or the Pure Evil canvas we’ve had our eye on for ages or a membership to the local cinema we go to all the time.

I wouldn’t want an afternoon tea voucher, however well your previous recipients have received them, because I don’t like afternoon tea. What generally irritates hosts is when guests who “don’t give cash” show up with something completely thoughtless and impersonal tat like a silver photo frame or an afternoon tea voucher, purely for making the point of “not giving cash”, without caring whether the recipient likes afternoon tea or displaying photos. It’s a waste of money and it just makes the giver look as though they’re trying to be dickish.

littlemousebigcheese · 05/09/2023 17:05

Friends of ours sent everyone a link to experiences we could book on their honeymoon which was amazing! You could book scuba lessons, a massage, dinner, boat trip etc which felt a bit more substantial than cash in a card but still ultimately went on a honeymoon!

StarBloo · 05/09/2023 17:07

Or instead of being so judgemental, you'll be spending the same amount and it's actually more out of your way to get a voucher, it shows your level of arseholeness. You know the cost per head for those people to have you at their wedding? It's not cheap. I would never ask for cash but I fully understand why people do because instead of their house being filled with repeated gifts or gift vouchers for somewhere that they'll never use.

Sceptre86 · 05/09/2023 17:09

Yep I would consider it rude but I'm asian and the done thing is to give money.

TooManyClouds · 05/09/2023 17:10

Yes, your view is very odd.

Cash has been the normal wedding gift in most cultures for centuries, and is very normal in the UK now also. No point giving people "stuff" they do not need (and not very environmentally friendly, either). This is a peculiar British hang up.

There's nothing "vulgar" about it. The idea of wedding gifts is to help the couple establish a happy married life together. Cash for home improvements, saving for a baby, for a honeymoon or whatever else they use it for is entirely appropriate.

Original poster
PoshPineapple · 05/09/2023 17:10

littlemousebigcheese · 05/09/2023 17:05

Friends of ours sent everyone a link to experiences we could book on their honeymoon which was amazing! You could book scuba lessons, a massage, dinner, boat trip etc which felt a bit more substantial than cash in a card but still ultimately went on a honeymoon!

I love this!

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 05/09/2023 17:14

Vouchers are an absolute pain in the arse. I think I'd rather another toaster.

Original poster
PoshPineapple · 05/09/2023 17:16

Some points in these posts that just hadn't occurred to me, so lessons learned there!

I genuinely didn't realise that love2shop . one4all etc vouchers are so difficult. I choose those as thought they gave such a good variety of options for the recipient, including food/drink etc. I received a fairly substantial one as an incentive for a business purchase and I'm sure we converted it to a debit card type purpose, to use online.

Thanks for the opinions and feedback, everyone.

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 05/09/2023 17:23

PoshPineapple · 05/09/2023 16:10

Ok, I know I'm going to get blasted but I've braced myself....

I've just been reading a post about what amount of cash to give for a wedding present (when cash has been specifically requested), and it's put me in mind to ask what other opinions are on this?

I think I'm stuck in the 70's, because for the past 15 years or so, when we've been fortunate enough to be invited to weddings, almost always the gift specifications are something along the lines of "we don't need any more toasters thank you, but some money towards a holiday would be great". Why do I dislike this so much! I just feel that a request for money for a holiday is...oh, I don't know really, but I guess I find it a bit vulgar. Oftentimes, the couple have been together a long time and I understand that they don't want their house filled with stuff they neither want nor need. I'm afraid I have never given cash for a wedding gift and will never do so (the exception being our DS and his wife - they didn't want financial help towards the wedding from either side, so we gifted them cash to put towards a deposit for their first house).

Otherwise, if cash is requested we buy gift vouchers (typically one4all or another multi-shop voucher), and if appropriate for the wedding venue, a voucher for afternoon tea there (this has always been really well received and often used on their first wedding anniversary).

If you were getting married and a guest ignored your request for cash and instead gave you a gift voucher, would you consider it rude?

* leaves the building and runs for cover *

I agree
I got married mid 2000s
We had a traditional wedding list...although we had a house we still lived with hand me downs and second hand items, cheap crockery and mismatched glasses.
*I say traditional but maybe that's relatively recent to prevent unwanted items??
I still have and use (as do my parents) the posh dinner set and lots of other items (towels are on their last legs) from our list.

Back then people went to great lengths to make it clear even if you had a gift list a gift WASN'T expected. It was totally optional. And we made sure items were affordable and of different prices. Someone could buy 1 mug for £4, or pick up all the glassware for £100+
The gifts were high quality essentials, not luxuries. I still think of the people that purchased them when I use them.
Some people went entirely off list and brought other stuff...which was very welcome.

I dislike requests for cash for things like a holiday or honeymoon partly because its so much more extravagant than we had....or still have.

We had a minimalist wedding and 1 week in Greece. My kids get two weeks in Spain each year.
I don't want to go to a huge extravagant wedding where they have spent a fortune on "aesthetics" and be asked for cash toward a 3 month tour of the Pacific Islands or worse to pay for some chair covers.

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 17:35

That just be tough op

to realise that for the past however many years you’ve been giving presents that many of us know are a pain in the arse to redeem!

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 17:36

But will hopefully teach you to listen rather than give people what you would like

Banana1979 · 05/09/2023 17:38

I would never ‘request’ gifts
yuk
id invite people to celebrate my day and if I get a gift or cash then that is a bonus

moderndilemma · 05/09/2023 17:46

I don't mind giving cash, and I don't mind contributing to a honeymoon (or anything else in the couple's future).

However I did feel sad going to my dniece's wedding. She had got completely caught up in the whole 'wedding' thing and she and her dp had overspent on things that they deemed to be essential. They had some financial help from parents, then they'd taken out a loan and approaching the wedding they maxed out their credit cards.

My cash gift was helping to repay this. For what? A balloon arch; a caricaturist (everyone hated the pictures - they were just mean!); a photobooth with dressing up clothes so the guests could make ridiculous 'best wishes' photos for a compilation album; a candy and chip cart (sweets and crisps); the matching bridesmaids dressing gowns with their names in rhinestones; a personalised aisle runner; chair covers and coloured tiebacks (when the hotel chairs were really nice as they were); personalised favours that were mostly left behind (tote bags for the 'laydees' monogrammed with the couple's initials and wedding date)...

I'm not saying that any of these were wrong. But my dniece couldn't afford it and had bought into a dream of what a wedding should look like. I'm glad she had the day she and her dp wanted but I'd have felt more genuinely generous if I was contributing to their future.

Cosyblankets · 05/09/2023 17:49

typically one4all
Those vouchers are a PITA
I got one and i said I'd never get one for anyone. They're a lot of messing

jallopeno · 05/09/2023 17:50

PoshPineapple · 05/09/2023 16:39

I absolutely would if it was for somewhere that would remain close to my heart, which I assume a wedding venue is!

Show quote history

Don't do that the venue/wedding day might be a disaster

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 17:53

Banana1979 · 05/09/2023 17:38

I would never ‘request’ gifts
yuk
id invite people to celebrate my day and if I get a gift or cash then that is a bonus

Ditto
but that wasn’t the op

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2023 18:02

I guess I find it a bit vulgar

So do I, OP, and anyway it's pointless since practically everyone - knowing perfectly well they already have a home together - will just give money anyway

In any case it's the asking which is the issue for me, especially when it comes with an implied "We just want to be sure you won't be stupid enough to buy us some tat"

sunnydayhereandnow · 05/09/2023 18:02

In my country cash is the normal gift, and there are even websites that calculate how much you should give based on how much you earn, how close you are to the couple etc. It’s just a cultural thing - wedding gifts are for setting up the new household whether by cash or through buying items for their home. But if they have asked for cash it just seems very weird and uncaring to give them a voucher instead just to make a point.

Thally · 05/09/2023 18:10

Vouchers are awful. Loads have restrictions or are difficult to spend. One for all and Love to Shop are the worst as the expiration dates are short and they deduct money unless you check their balance. Honestly just don't get anything if you resent it so much.
I'm happy to give cash. It doesn't get wasted and it reduces replication of gifts. Less waste.

BIossomtoes · 05/09/2023 18:18

We managed to lose our wedding vouchers so the people who bought those completely wasted their money. Cash for our honeymoon would have been wonderful - we might have managed somewhere a bit more exotic than Scotland.

Thurlarder · 05/09/2023 18:21

This exact post comes up on MN at least once a month, and the whole thread is always people pearl clutching about how terribly vulgar and awful it is to ask for money, which is weird to me because every wedding I've been to in the last twenty years, across a wide variety of social and ethnic backgrounds, has always included some variation on "we don't want any presents, but if you did want to get us something a contribution to our honeymoon would be welcome".

I cannot get even a teeny tiny bit worked up about it. If you don't want to give them money then don't give them money, no need to get your knickers in a twist about it.

CoffeeCantata · 05/09/2023 18:32

StarBloo
You know the cost per head for those people to have you at their wedding? It's not cheap.

I'm fine with giving cash as a gift if preferred.

I'm NOT fine with the idea of linking the cost of the wedding (totally the choice of the B & G) to some kind of 'admission charge' for the guests. They should give an amount that they want to give and what they can afford.

It's not the guests' responsibility or concern how much a wedding has cost to mount. If the B & G have overspent - tough cookie.