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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset that DH gets to travel and it isn't so easy for me

38 replies

mellowelodie · 05/09/2023 15:45

I'm 6 months into my maternity leave and DH just forwarded me an email from work saying he needs to go to Germany in a couple of weeks. It was only his first day at this job/work yesterday and he's already got plans to travel. I know it's work and he isn't travelling for pleasure but I just had a little cry.

We were supposed to go away with DC before DH started this new job but we couldn't make the dates work. I was told it's a bit easier to travel before babies are on solids and crawling but we've missed that window now.

I keep realising how naive I was about my day to day life with a baby. I love DC so much but it's things like I really can't go away with work or friends anymore like I used to. It would take so much more planning and I guess I don't know how much I would enjoy it as I might feel anxious about being away from DC.

It's ironic because DH actually isn't much of a fan of travelling but I am. Once upon a time we would have tagged a few days on to the end of a work trip to have a little holiday but I just feel like my reality isn't like that anymore. I feel really upset and I don't know why.

In just this very moment, I am at home rearranging furniture while DC naps. I have no plans with friends and no plans to go travelling and I just want to cry. Please help me see that being a mum doesn't mean a new, more bleak existence. I wish I didn't feel so upset. I truly have such a wonderful little baby and yet here I am lusting after another life :(

OP posts:

Snittle · 05/09/2023 15:47

If you can afford it, tag a holiday on and meet your husband there.

Travelling solo with a toddler might not be ideal, but you might have a great time. It might have been easier when they were smaller, but it’s not impossible now!

IamnotSethRogan · 05/09/2023 15:49

Honestly you can do these things they just look a little different right now. Also, the baby/toddler stage , while it doesn't feel like it, is only a small part of it. My children are a little older now and travelling etc doesn't feel like the hurdle it once did.

Things do take a but more planning but they're all possible.

DuploTrain · 05/09/2023 15:50

I found maternity leave really difficult too… I was lonely and bored. Even though you’re never “alone” it’s not the same as having adult company. I had a feeling of being tied down and restricted. It felt suffocating.

Even if you’re not ready for a big trip, can you make plans to get out for a couple of hours without the baby and the weekends or evenings? See some friends, go to the gym/ a class. Even going to the supermarket baby-free at that stage was a treat for me 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster

mellowelodie · 05/09/2023 15:50

Snittle · 05/09/2023 15:47

If you can afford it, tag a holiday on and meet your husband there.

Travelling solo with a toddler might not be ideal, but you might have a great time. It might have been easier when they were smaller, but it’s not impossible now!

I will ask DH as I don't know if he will need to be around (at work) after/prior to the trip or if he can take some annual leave. I don't really fancy taking a trip alone with DC otherwise.

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 05/09/2023 15:53

You can still go and spend the middle weekend of his trip with him, or stay out there afterwards. And you'll still be able to travel for work or pleasure - yes, you have to co-ordinate diaries but its totally possible. I did my first overnight work trip when ds was 6 months old, and I have continued to travel all his life. Dh also travels for work. Its occasionally been tricky (no nanny or family help) but we've always made it work somehow

Original poster

mellowelodie · 05/09/2023 15:53

DuploTrain · 05/09/2023 15:50

I will try to but I always feel anxious about getting back to DC.

Perhaps part of the problem is I feel nervous going out with DC alone.

OP posts:

MangshorJhol · 05/09/2023 15:54

Yes it is harder but are you planning to go to work? If you are and it involves travel you should do so guilt free (in the same way DH does). I travel in small chunks-48 hours usually for work and I don’t leave instructions for DH or elaborate plans because I assume like a grown man he can handle his own kids.
So do make sure that the load isn’t always yours and the planning isn’t always you. But at the same time because life is a balance don’t feel forced to leave your DC unless you are ready. I breastfed all my kids so I have been around for the first 18 months before travelling. We had our DC in our rooms and also didnt really ever leave them with anyone overnight (unless it was the other parent).

Having said that I felt a real period of grief after DS1 about the profound ways in which my life had changed and the total lack of spontaneity and it took me a long time to recover from the feeling that I had made this irreversible change.

ThatSunCreamSmell · 05/09/2023 15:54

I struggled with this. It's a really hard transition but as others have said it doesn't last. You will be travelling again but it might look a bit different.

I do know one couple who (where they could) didn't change their lives much really when they had a baby and took it everywhere including to gigs they were playing both in the UK and abroad. They were totally chilled and not bothered about routine or anything. I'm way too much of a worrier to do that but it can be done! They now have two and have kept that same approach. Works for them until they have to factor in school!

Original poster

mellowelodie · 05/09/2023 15:54

CMOTDibbler · 05/09/2023 15:53

Thank you, that makes me feel hopeful

OP posts:

Comedycook · 05/09/2023 15:55

Sorry i know you came on looking for reassurance but this is really common and it sucks. Men do generally get to continue their lives relatively unencumbered by their children. Even if you can do these things, as a mother it is always a much harder thing to plan. Like nights out, men just go out or straight to after work drinks. Women are much more likely to be prepping dinner, bathing kids and planning their absence like a military exercise.

sezzer87 · 05/09/2023 16:00

You're bound to feel this way. It's normal
Good news is that they grow up so incredibly fast before you know it you'll have all your Freedoms back and you'll be missing when they were little.
I'm sure you don't have much maternity leave left, and then you'll regain some normality once you return back to work and feel more yourself .
I promise this time will whizz by!!

ElleDeeCB · 05/09/2023 16:02

I remember feeling the same way - it was like my husband’s life stayed the same, he just got the added bonus of a baby and someone he could completely entrust stay home 24/7 to take care of it (i.e. me!). Even the ease at which he could just decide stay on for beers after work used to enrage me - going drinks in the pub for me took military planning and had to be arranged seemingly weeks in advance.

It got easier once baby was no longer breastfed, but still not completely evened-up 10 years later. I sort of had to let it go and embrace the change of dynamic, but it definitely wasn’t easy at first…

ElleDeeCB · 05/09/2023 16:08

I would say though that it’s really REALLY important that your husband is fully involved and capable of the minutiae of caring for your child. Then once you can get some time to yourself you can stroll out the door and leave him to it childcare-wise, without having to leave instructions, meals prepped, constantly answer text messages about where to find things, come home early because child can only be settled by Mum etc etc. Putting the work in now to actively not become the Mum-project-manager-primary-carer will be much more freeing for you later.

NerrSnerr · 05/09/2023 16:19

I agree that you need to make sure your husband looks after the baby from a young age to enable you to have a life. Obviously breastfeeding makes this more difficult (I found expressing far too much of a pain in the arse).

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2023 16:23

I think you're making travelling into more of an ordeal than it really is. Of course kids change things, but if you want to go places, you just suck it up and carry on. I travelled a lot when mine were babies and toddlers. It can be a challenge, but we all survived and always had a good time. I also wouldn't hesitate to travel with the baby by yourself. You'd be fine.

GingerIsBest · 05/09/2023 16:26

Echoing other posters here - you're on maternity leave currently so fair enough that you're not zipping off for trips, but once you go back to work, don't let the fact that you have a baby stop you from doing the work trips you would have done. Make sure your DH understands that in the same way he just is popping off to Germany you may need to do the same.

Also, I think that there should be a conversation between you and your DH. Yes, you're on maternity leave, but nonetheless, a work trip does impact you as it's not like you can just not be a parent. So I think that's a consideration - and you need to make it clear right now that while you're on maternity leave that might just be something that can be assumed (I wouldn't, personally, but many would), but future work trips once you're back at work might need a bit more thought....

For personal travel, if you used to travel together, you can still do that but maybe change your expectations a bit.

nanodyne · 05/09/2023 16:47

Are you going back to work, and did you travel for work much before baby? I went back to work in May after DS2 and have been away for a few nights every month since then for work (and a few nights during mat leave as KIT days) - I'll be going away twice this month. It was always a part of my job before the kids were born and I have no intention of stopping, I think it's good for them - both boys - to see me doing this sort of thing. DH does a monthly work trip too, so I think our kids will just see it as normal. We both WFH so we're very available for them otherwise.

We regularly do UK weekends away with the kids now, but I wouldn't waste money on weekends abroad because I don't think any of us will get much from that til they're older.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/09/2023 17:01

Hi OP

Travel was a big part of our lives prior to kids. At the moment we are both travelling with work, maybe a couple of days each overnight a month (sometimes up to a week though). We don't have any family help nearby. We just gave to plan plan plan. Fortunately we both have relatively flexible work and control over our own diaries (for a significant proportion of trips). It's hectic though and things from school ('please come in to see your child's work in an open afternoon next week') really throws a spanner in the works sometimes. I'm forever badgering them to update their website with dates.

It does get easier though. I don't feel bad about leaving them with their other parent now (I did at first as was breastfeeding and made travel a lot easier for him and harder for me) and can face time etc. If they wanted to which is tricky with very young kids.

But now mine are 5 and 8 and we have actually done some city breaks with them this year. Not in quite the same way we would have in the past (and needs careful planning to make sure they get rest and there is a balance of kids vs adult activities) but it feels good again to be visiting places and doing something different.

Janieforever · 05/09/2023 17:05

i think you need to elaborate more. I travelled for work when my child was little, in fact from 4 months. We simply ensured the other was at home and made it work.we also happily took holidays all together, when she was very small.

there is no reason a woman can’t continue her career and travel with children, I am living proof of that.

TempName247 · 05/09/2023 17:39

I had this feeling too, you feel a bit trapped and resentful but honestly it is such a relatively short time and you will soon be able to go out or travel more without baby. As others have said, make sure DH is fully involved with baby’s routine, don’t become one of these mums whose DH can’t settle the baby!

Barneysma2 · 05/09/2023 17:58

No reason at all you can't plan things with your friends and trips away. Your DC has two parents not one...why don't you txt one of your friends now and arrange to go out for some drinks or food and leave baby with husband?

newhere24 · 05/09/2023 18:06

I love travelling privately. Absolutely hate travelling for work (but have to do it quite regularly). All you end up doing is working 16 hour days, and all you see is plane, airport, taxi, hotel, meeting room, hotel, taxi, …
Your husband’s trip isn’t a holiday, keep that in mind. You got by far the better end of this specific stick!

Sauvignonblanket · 05/09/2023 18:33

Also if you're travelling solo with a toddler people will look out for you. There will be priority queues and helpful fellow passengers who were once in the same boat.

shivawn · 05/09/2023 18:49

I was told it's a bit easier to travel before babies are on solids and crawling but we've missed that window now.

I'd disagree with this. We travelled abroad at 3 months, 7 months, 12 months, 17 months and 20 months, it's easier, better and more fun each time because he's that little bit older. 3 months was definitely the hardest age to travel for me, I spent so much time worrying about the heat and the sun and naps were much more difficult when he was younger. It's a dream travelling with a toddler in comparison.

My husband travels to USA a couple times a year with work, I'd probably be jealous if I hadn't tagged along on a couple of these trips before we had our son but I know from being there with him that he really isn't having fun at all. At most he might have one day to himself and most evenings are taken up with team dinners and networking stuff.

PinkRoses1245 · 05/09/2023 18:54

I think you need to be a bit more proactive, see if he can take some annual leave and tag on a holiday there, you can go and join him. What’s the worst that can happen, of course travelling will be different with a baby but you won’t know until you try

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