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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset that DH gets to travel and it isn't so easy for me

38 replies

mellowelodie · 05/09/2023 15:45

I'm 6 months into my maternity leave and DH just forwarded me an email from work saying he needs to go to Germany in a couple of weeks. It was only his first day at this job/work yesterday and he's already got plans to travel. I know it's work and he isn't travelling for pleasure but I just had a little cry.

We were supposed to go away with DC before DH started this new job but we couldn't make the dates work. I was told it's a bit easier to travel before babies are on solids and crawling but we've missed that window now.

I keep realising how naive I was about my day to day life with a baby. I love DC so much but it's things like I really can't go away with work or friends anymore like I used to. It would take so much more planning and I guess I don't know how much I would enjoy it as I might feel anxious about being away from DC.

It's ironic because DH actually isn't much of a fan of travelling but I am. Once upon a time we would have tagged a few days on to the end of a work trip to have a little holiday but I just feel like my reality isn't like that anymore. I feel really upset and I don't know why.

In just this very moment, I am at home rearranging furniture while DC naps. I have no plans with friends and no plans to go travelling and I just want to cry. Please help me see that being a mum doesn't mean a new, more bleak existence. I wish I didn't feel so upset. I truly have such a wonderful little baby and yet here I am lusting after another life :(

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 05/09/2023 18:56

Comedycook · 05/09/2023 15:55

Sorry i know you came on looking for reassurance but this is really common and it sucks. Men do generally get to continue their lives relatively unencumbered by their children. Even if you can do these things, as a mother it is always a much harder thing to plan. Like nights out, men just go out or straight to after work drinks. Women are much more likely to be prepping dinner, bathing kids and planning their absence like a military exercise.

@Comedycook but it doesn't have to be that way....... My DH isn't perfect in every way, but always collected kids from nursery and supported / encouraged me to go on nights out and weekends away

PerfectMatch · 05/09/2023 19:07

This is really, really common OP. Not necessarily to do with travel - that's because travel is a particular "thing" for you - but other mums on maternity leave will be feeling exactly the same way about going out for a drink, or to the theatre, or playing a sport, or whatever it is that they used to love doing that is now much harder to organise. You love your baby, but you miss aspects of your old life. And it's often accompanied by a feeling that your partner hasn't been affected as much - he still seems to be able to fit in the things he wants to do!

It will get easier as the baby gets older. But you do also need to be proactive about it. Think about what you would like to do and make it happen OP! And, as others have said, it's really crucial to make it clear to DH early on that he needs to facilitate your hobbies just like you are facilitating his.

NeedToChangeName · 05/09/2023 19:12

ElleDeeCB · 05/09/2023 16:08

I would say though that it’s really REALLY important that your husband is fully involved and capable of the minutiae of caring for your child. Then once you can get some time to yourself you can stroll out the door and leave him to it childcare-wise, without having to leave instructions, meals prepped, constantly answer text messages about where to find things, come home early because child can only be settled by Mum etc etc. Putting the work in now to actively not become the Mum-project-manager-primary-carer will be much more freeing for you later.

@ElleDeeCB yes to this, totally agree

ChristianCheater · 05/09/2023 19:12

If you can afford it why not plan a solo trip , a holiday with friends or your DH and baby? Having a baby doesn’t mean you have to stop travelling, I flew with my DC when they were 10 weeks old and have taken them to 45 countries.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 05/09/2023 19:17

My work colleague when he had a wife on maternity leave and had several overseas work trips always had his wife and baby fly out to join him it's not impossible

Boomboom22 · 05/09/2023 19:21

You can go away. I went for 2 nights when my 3rd was 6months, dad just organised pick up / friends helped until slightly later with a playdate for older ones. For work or I would have waited until later!

whatkatydid2013 · 05/09/2023 19:34

Honestly just go places with DC. It’s less easy than without them but it gets easier with practice. Going away for work (or fun) without them also gets easier with practice.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/09/2023 19:42

If you want to travel with baby, do it. Meet DH in Germany or plan a different trip when you are both available.

If you want to travel without baby, do it. Start off small, maybe just overnight at first and if that goes well, see how a weekend feels.

It absolutely doesn't have to mean a bleak, new existence. I still have my career, I went away (a weekend) for the first time when he was 6 months old and do occasional travelling with work.

Make sure DH is having plenty of alone time with baby so you get some time to yourself too.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/09/2023 19:47

NeedToChangeName · 05/09/2023 18:56

@Comedycook but it doesn't have to be that way....... My DH isn't perfect in every way, but always collected kids from nursery and supported / encouraged me to go on nights out and weekends away

Show quote history

Exactly. It isn't harder for me to plan things at all but that's because my DH will get on with feeding, baths, bedtime routine etc himself because he has done all of that since birth.

I wouldn't accept any less and I certainly wouldn't enable him by acting like he isn't capable of running a bath.

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 19:59

You’re on maternity leave with a 6 month old, it’s not really comparable. Once you’re back at work there’s no reason you can’t go on work trips or the occasional t weekend away with friends while DH has the baby.

Paintedtoenail · 05/09/2023 20:08

My husband travels abroad for work for nine months of the year . I’ve enabled this . He’s here for three months and he is the only person who is in employment. It is shit. Don’t be me.
My children are older but the loneliness is crippling at the best of times.

Isthisexpected · 05/09/2023 20:12

Haven't rtft but babies are extremely portable until they find they have autonomy and you have to negotiate with them in the toddler years but even then it's much easier than you think! Your baby is going to be picking at food (if you're doing BLW) for months so it's no bother to travel or take them with you to see friends.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/09/2023 20:59

If you don’t want your life to feel bleak and be different, you have to take a deep breath and get on with the things that you used to do, just with a new little sidekick. No matter how scary they may seem on your own. The more you do, the more your kid will be used to doing. And the more you do, the braver you’ll feel, and the more you’ll feel like your old self.

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