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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS doesn't want to go to uni after break-up

39 replies

Frecko · 05/09/2023 12:58

DS was in a relationship for a little over a year, she was a nice enough girl but he was definitely more into her than she was him. She had a lot of friends and was very likeable, conventionally attractive, basically she could have whoever she wanted and that just happened to be DS for a bit.
DS applied to the same unis as her, I really discouraged this. He didn't get into the first two, made the 3rd his firm choice as it was in the same city as her but I don't think he actually liked the uni. His insurance was the same as hers and local to home.
He got his exam results a couple weeks back and didn't get into the uni he had picked. His girlfriend had done ridiculously well in her exams so he was feeling a bit down about that, accepted his insurance choice not far from home.
On the Monday so barely a few days later, she broke up with him! Said she didn't want to do long distance, my son felt like it was another punishment for his exam results and has been devastated since.
It doesn't help that (according my DD) he still follows his ex on instagram and she's been off on holiday, posting pics looking happy as can be. DD also claims that there is a rumour she has slept with one of DS's friends since the break up. So DS is truly not doing well.

He is now saying he doesn't want to go to uni this year, wants to take a gap year, figure out what he wants, reapply to unis knowing his results (it was his maths grade that failed him a little, but he could get into other good unis for different non-maths related courses as he has A*ABC (B and C in maths and further maths)).

I think he should at-least try this uni, he likes the uni and it's still a good one!! I think if this girl hadn't broken up with him he wouldn't be thinking twice about it. I think it is awful the way she has gone about this but he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad !!

AIBU to encourage him to still go to uni this year? Or should he wait and start next year?

OP posts:
SarahSays1 · 05/09/2023 13:08

If he's doing maths at uni he should go straight away; it's not typically recommended to take a break of a year

If not doing maths then he'd need to get practical experience this year - use his gap year.

Or he could resit and get higher grades and go somewhere he really wants to go? what are the resit options like?

NonMiDispiace · 05/09/2023 13:11

…..he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad !!… 😳 Seriously? This is what you think of your son who’s clearly upset about breaking up and the rumours that his sister is helpfully (not) spreading?
Poor kid. Having a gap year sounds like a really good idea, get a job and plan his future. Going to university definitely isn’t the be all and end all that you seem to think and pushing him into a university and a course he isn’t interested in is ridiculous and selfish of you. Why on earth should he build up student debt on top of everything else just because you want him to go?
Back off and start supporting him (and tell your dd to shut up).

cheezncrackers · 05/09/2023 13:16

If he took a gap year, what would he do? I think this would be the crux of it for me, if he was my DS. A year of moping around at home, gaming and feeling sorry for himself - no bloody way! But if he has a reasonable plan then generally I'm a fan of gap years, as I think it gives young people a really good opportunity to grow up, become more independent and think about what they want for the future. School is so focused on exams and 18 is so young to really know yourself and what you want to do in future. Having a year to decompress, get out of the school mindset, experience work, meet new people and gain new perspectives on life can be really eye-opening and very valuable.

Also - his whole life plan has just been blown to smithereens - he thought he was going to get certain grades and go to a certain uni and that he had a gf. Now, none of those things is true so it's not surprising he's doubting everything - most people probably would given those circumstances.

Talk to him OP and if he doesn't have a plan, but is adamant that he wants a year out, can you help him to come up with one?

cheezncrackers · 05/09/2023 13:17

he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad !!

And yeah, just be kind. Don't you remember what it was like to be a teen and to have your heart broken? Poor kid Sad

venusandmars · 05/09/2023 13:18

If he's not sure about the university, or the course he's got into, then taking time out to re-evaluate is possibly the best thing. It might be worse for his self esteem if he started, didn't think it was right for him and chucked it in.

I think too many of our young people are herded into expensive university without really thinking it through.

You've got time to work out what going to university is going to achieve: - independence? (he might not get that from the local uni, living at home); learning to play to his strengths, if maths isn't his thing then a non-maths career could be much better.

He also has time to work, build up some savings, maybe even get valuable experience in a setting that is related to some future employment. He may explore other ways of getting trained / getting qualifications e.g. a modern apprenticeship. Maybe he will work a bit and then go travelling.

Many more opportunities than 'settling' for something he doesn't really want.

Zanatdy · 05/09/2023 13:20

Sounds like the Uni he chose isn’t the one he really wants to go to. I would be fine with a gap year if he’s planning to travel, but to sit around gaming etc, no

Topseyt123 · 05/09/2023 13:20

A year (or two?) out to recover, work, save and reconsider what he actually wants to do sounds like the best way forward.

He won't recover instantly from this. He needs time. He might decide to go to uni at a later date, or he might not, it isn't the be all and end all and it isn't for everyone. He certainly doesn't sound ready right at this moment though.

fluffyfringe · 05/09/2023 13:22

I think a year out sounds perfect. A year is nothing in the scheme of things. I think to go now in his current frame of mind sounds like a recipe for disaster. If he goes and drops out that's horrible to unpick not to mention possible money he'd lose.

Let him take his time. With those grades he's in an excellent position.

Goldenbear · 05/09/2023 13:22

I would encourage him to start afresh, obviously be there for him, reassure him, hug him but ultimately let him know what an opportunity he has in front of him to meet so many new people, fall in lust/love again but mostly have fun. He will end up dwelling on this, particularly if she goes on to have a great time at uni and it's splashed all over social media.

fluffyfringe · 05/09/2023 13:23

To add, encourage him to get a job in the year out with lots of other young people to get his mojo back. Bar work etc can be a lot of fun.

Lilolilibet · 05/09/2023 13:24

He doesn't need to prove anything, don't be silly. He's sad. Let him own it.

I do think he'd benefit from a year to improve his results and discover himself a bit.

alpenguin · 05/09/2023 13:24

I think it is awful the way she has gone about this but he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad!!

you can’t blame her for any of this ffs. She did the mature and decent thing and ended it with someone she wasn’t willing to have a long distance relationship with.

He needs some sympathy and understanding not being called soppy and sad. He is bloody sad at his probably first serious relationship ending. Give him a break.

i think taking a year out is a wise decision rather than landing himself with a load of debt for a false start year when he inevitably drops out.

Show him kindness OP and support his adult decisions.

FarmGirl78 · 05/09/2023 13:24

Please please let him take a gap year. His head just isn't in the right place. I wasn't ready for Uni and was funneled into it without much say in the matter and hated it. I really just didn't cope, underperformed and despite coming out with a degree at the end I could have made so much more of it in different circumstances. If you push him into going he'll only crash and burn.

Although hearing you say "he needs to prove he isn't just soppy and sad" makes me surprised he's not beating the door down to escape. It's it any wonder that young men chose to take their own lives rather than talk about their emotions if this is what they face?

Your lad needs you on his team right now. And you aren't.

Rebootnecessary · 05/09/2023 13:27

It sounds to me as though he has some insight that his decision making around which university and which course may have been flawed! If this were my son I would be advocating a gap year and would be suggesting getting a job to fund some fun ( a trip, a hobby) and to save a bit too.

WaltzingWaters · 05/09/2023 13:28

If he’s not sure what he wants to do and his head and heart aren’t in it right now, a gap year sounds like a great idea (provided he doesn’t use that time just sitting around gaming or something equally useless).
Let him work, gain some money. Go travelling for a while. Then maybe in that time he’ll figure out exactly what he wants to do and won’t waste time studying for the wrong course or just studying when he’s not got his head in the right place.

waterrat · 05/09/2023 13:29

he should 100 per cent NOT make any decision based on proving something to her! tthat is terrible advice.

Let's look at the facts here - he made what sounds like crap choices for his university based on a girlfriend (as you say not wise ) -

He has broken up with her - so why not let him make some better choices?

take a year off, work, relax, make some new friends, find a new girl ! Go travelling?

Can you try and talk calmly to him? Does he now see that he made shit choices and regrets it? Why should he go to a uni he doesn't want just because he was loveblind

What would be kind to impress on him is that it's absolutely natural that they broke up - of course they did they are young! While his heart is broken, he needs to take a deep breath, stop following her on insta (easier said than done) and make his own decisions for once.

There is a bit of a feeling in your post OP that suggests she is not being kind? She has every right to break up with him - for whatever reason she wants - it probably has absolutely nothing to do with exam results but you know what - if she is super bright and hard working and that just isn't him - she probably is likely to look elsewhere in life.

But please don't encourage him to feel angry/ pissed off with her - it's natural at their age and at Uni time for relationships to break up. He is naturally going to have anger and sadness but you don't need to reiterate that to him.

waterrat · 05/09/2023 13:30

And agree that you are wrong to say 'it's awful how she has gone about this' - she is an 18 year old who ended a relationship - she has done nothing wrong. Even if she could/ should have thought about this before he made his uni choices - she is just naive like he was. L

Encourage your son to accept this is healthy and natural if her feelings were not strong enough so he can move on with dignity. Do not encourage anger in him.

Mirabai · 05/09/2023 13:37

I think he should do what he likes. So if he wants a gap year and reapply to a different uni that’s what he should do.

Might he want to retake his maths? It can be done in 6 months now.

JC89 · 05/09/2023 13:40

YABU, he's having second thoughts about his degree choice and he hasn't started yet - much better to work out what he wants to do before starting (uni is seriously expensive - how much will "just try this uni and course" cost him? £15,000 for a year? More?)

Agree with PP suggesting getting a job (or volunteering to build up skills if money is not important), maybe travelling... He knows more now, knows what grades he has so might look at different degree options now the situation has changed. Or apprenticeships / degree apprenticeships can also be good. Deferring uni for a year is not unusual, particularly when circumstances (such as A Level results) change.

Duckingella · 05/09/2023 13:47

I think the girlfriend would have ditched him anyway;the long distance thing was just a get out outta jail free card.

He should go university;he'll meet new people;expecting his GF to stay with him was the reali

YellowDots · 05/09/2023 13:52

I think he should take the GAP year because he's screwed up picking universities that he should not have picked. There is no point getting into £60,000 of debt doing something you don't want to do.

What's he going to do in this gap year if he takes it? Travel round Australia or play call of duty? That is what I would want to know. I think he will feel very left behind if he just gets an ordinary job.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 05/09/2023 13:52

Gap year OK if he's no longer sure about the course or the university, but he must get a job, not spend the time moping around. Any job for now, he can always move on in a few months if he finds something he likes better.

Did he have a summer job he could stay on at?

villamariavintrapp · 05/09/2023 13:54

I think a gap year sounds good, let him mature a bit. Picking uni based on a relationship at age 17ish was a bit silly, but this is a good opportunity to get to know himself a bit and find out what he wants to do in life.

JustMarriedBecca · 05/09/2023 14:01

6 months in a bar job earning money and making friends. Then 6 months travelling and having a brilliant time. Come back and start University then.

Doesn't sound like he's committed to his course and I think it's sensible. Maths is HARD and if that's the struggle, better to change subjects now and reapply again knowing his strengths.

itsmyp4rty · 05/09/2023 14:07

I think it would be a bad idea to go to a university he's not that interested in. It would also be a bad idea to take a gap year and do nothing with it.

I think you need to sit down with him, show him some empathy towards his relationship situation, tell him you know what it's like because you remember being that age (and who broke your heart). Then talk to him about taking a year out, what's he think he's going to do, work? travel? volunteer? Talk about why he doesn't want to go to uni, where he might apply next year and just get him to remember he does have a future and it has lots of options! Maybe take a look at the workaway website, it has a lot of opportunities all over the world.