DS doesn't want to go to uni after break-up

[Frecko]

DS was in a relationship for a little over a year, she was a nice enough girl but he was definitely more into her than she was him. She had a lot of friends and was very likeable, conventionally attractive, basically she could have whoever she wanted and that just happened to be DS for a bit.
DS applied to the same unis as her, I really discouraged this. He didn't get into the first two, made the 3rd his firm choice as it was in the same city as her but I don't think he actually liked the uni. His insurance was the same as hers and local to home.
He got his exam results a couple weeks back and didn't get into the uni he had picked. His girlfriend had done ridiculously well in her exams so he was feeling a bit down about that, accepted his insurance choice not far from home.
On the Monday so barely a few days later, she broke up with him! Said she didn't want to do long distance, my son felt like it was another punishment for his exam results and has been devastated since.
It doesn't help that (according my DD) he still follows his ex on instagram and she's been off on holiday, posting pics looking happy as can be. DD also claims that there is a rumour she has slept with one of DS's friends since the break up. So DS is truly not doing well.

He is now saying he doesn't want to go to uni this year, wants to take a gap year, figure out what he wants, reapply to unis knowing his results (it was his maths grade that failed him a little, but he could get into other good unis for different non-maths related courses as he has A*ABC (B and C in maths and further maths)).

I think he should at-least try this uni, he likes the uni and it's still a good one!! I think if this girl hadn't broken up with him he wouldn't be thinking twice about it. I think it is awful the way she has gone about this but he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad !!

AIBU to encourage him to still go to uni this year? Or should he wait and start next year?

I think it is awful the way she has gone about this

What way would you like her to have gone about this?

Also try not to fall into the trap of thinking oh he hair needs to get on with it and dismiss his feelings. People so often so that with teens and their first heartbreak but it can be so so painful, not least because you’ve never experienced it before, so don’t know you can recover. First heartbreak is awful so try and take it seriously. Not saying he should be allowed to do nothing all year of course, but let him breathe a bit and not rush into making more decisions about uni.

Uni will be there next year and loads of people take gap years - it can actually work in their favour if they can save money and have an extra year to mature.

I would listen to him. What's the point in racking up huge debts at a uni he isn't certain he wants to go to, especially if it's the new uni in a town where his ex with the stellar exam results is at the Russell Group? That would just exacerbate his feeling of being second best. And he might see her around with a new man.

Taking a year out to reassess his options and maybe aim for a course or place more suited to him is a really mature idea. Better than going somewhere he isn't excited about, feeling low about his girlfriend and then starting to feel down.

Going to uni should be something you feel great and excited about. He needs time to get over his relationship and to figure out exactly what uni course he wants to take. Sit down with him and work out a few possible plans for a gap year. Exciting stuff that he genuinely looks forward to. Maybe finding a job locally until after Christmas and then working abroad for a while or going travelling for fun. Passing his driving test if he hasn't already. Getting the next music grade on an instrument. Or doing some free online courses related to his uni subject which might impress a uni he is borderline on getting into. Maybe coaching a local sports team or volunteering at his old school.He could save up some money for when he's a student. Check out some other uni towns and courses by visiting their open days.

i have never understood the need to sausage factory our kids straight from school to uni, especially those who have missed some social development due to covid restrictions. A gap year is a great idea.

My boyfriend and I broke up a week or two before uni started, having chosen the same place and even moved in together. It was a fucking disaster, of course my parents saw it coming but they knew I had to make my own mistakes.

I couldn't face uni, thankfully they let me defer and I took a year out. It was the best decision ever, I travelled for a bit and then worked, and when I started the following year I felt truly ready for it. I know it might seem like he's making a rash decision but this could lead him down an equally great path. As hard as it is, I think you have to let him make his own decision and support him either way.

Hi, university lecturer here. If he isn’t 100% into the course and his choice of uni, he should not go. The demands of the course, moving away from home and trying to grow up are all quite stressful anyway, even if he did my have the complication of a relationship breakdown.

If he isn’t completely committed, he will limp on for a bit and then start failing. If he gives it a go and then fails, it will be harder for him to then re-evaluate and change course. It is better he stops now and has a really good think about what he wants to do.

I have had many students that are on a course because that was just what was expected of them or their parents encouraged them onto the course. Students have to be completely behind this kind of commitment they are making.

err, this. What on earth has she done wrong?

Student finance eligibility is not unlimited - you’re only entitled to a certain number of years.

If he starts a degree he is unsure about and then drops out, he will have permanently used up one of his years. It’s not something I would be encouraging.

It may seem very harsh, but I think your DS’s ex has done the right thing. I cannot think of a single school relationship which has lasted after the couple went in their separate directions to university.

Your DC’s maths results are not his ex’s fault, even though with her having such stellar results it seems like adding insult to injury, just at the moment.

A gap year is not a bad idea, if he has a plan. Even just working and getting some money and experience behind him would be good. Or volunteering in an area around what he wants to study. Or improving his maths grade. Obviously, not navel gazing for a year, though!

It is hard for him just now, and you are worried about him, but he will be fine.

The poor girl, who did absolutely the right thing. Is getting a bit of stick on here.

she dated a teenager for a year, didn't treat him bad, but unfortunately, did 'ridiculously well' in her exams and is 'conventionally beautiful' (stated as though they are bad things)

She dumped her boyfriend BEFORE going to uni (sensible) and maybe did or didn't shag her ex's mate, when she was single.

She's 17/18. Like nobody else done anything daft at that age🤔.

OP, I think it's a great idea for your sone to have a gap year. It will do him the world of good. Especially if he goes travelling

Of course he is sad did you not have a first love? He's also grieving the life he had planned. Don't dismiss that as insignificant. A gap year isn't a bad thing necessarily but ultimately it's up to him. Try to be supportive and understanding

I think if this girl hadn't broken up with him he wouldn't be thinking twice about it. I think it is awful the way she has gone about this but he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad !!

What a load of misogynist bullshit. It's this girl's fault your son can't deal with disappointment? She was perfectly entitled to end their relationship anytime she wanted to. He needs to buck up and deal with life.

I think he should at-least try this uni, he likes the uni and it's still a good one!!

If he 'just tries' it he will still have to pay the £9000 fees and will have to pay for accommodation for the whole year if he doesn't live at home. It's not like ordering breaded mushrooms to just try. He needs to want to do it.

I think it is awful the way she has gone about this but he needs to prove that he isn't just soppy and sad !!

Would you have preferred that she stayed with him and lead him on even though she didn't want to be in a relationship? It would have been much worse if he followed her to university and she dumped him after a month.

He's 18- he's going to be sad his first relationship has broken up. That's ok- he doesn't have to pretend it's not because he's a man.

Another university lecturer (and former admissions tutor here). I agree 100% with @Toobusytowee

Students who begin university without commitment and/or with unresolved issues usually cannot engage properly. They fall behind; they become isolated academically and socially; things spiral. These students are vulnerable to mental health problems.

With A star A B your DS will easily be able to secure an Unconditional offer once he works out what he wants to study and applies to appropriate degree programmes. He needs a good degree to have the best employment chances and he is much more likely to attain that when he is in the right programme. Please give him the time and space to work out what that is.