To ask DP and SS to not eat unhealthy food in front of DS

[benjsloop]

Growing up, DP had a very poor diet where he was only given frozen food and ate a lot of crisps and sugary food. He has a 16 year old DS from a previous relationship, living with us full time and he's exactly the same. He eats tinned and frozen food for dinner mostly and eats crisps and chocolate, not really much fruit or veg. I came into his life when he was 10 so he was already used to this diet. He does eat what I make occasionally if it's something he likes for example spaghetti Bolognese.

I have a 4 year old and he is starting to refuse meals I make and would rather eat what his dad and brother are eating. They're often giving him crisps and chocolate so now he cries and cries wanting them. I don't leave DS alone with them because I know what he'll be given.

I don't have an issue with what they eat, I know it's unhealthy but they're a normal healthy weight and I can't stop them from eating what they like but I'm wondering if itd be unreasonable to ask them to not eat all that in front of DS.

I don't mind him having occasional treats but I don't want it to be all he eats. He was previously a very good eater.

I think you are unreasonable. If you provide your child with healthy meals it isn't the end of the world I he eats crisps and chocolate and being so full on about food that he can't eat with his Dad or brother and you can't have your partner look after your child for long periods is going to cause your kid far more problems around food then just feeding him healthy and him eating unhealthy with his Dad.

he was basically abused as a child by this diet, he needs to see he's repeated the cycle with his SS and that you won't stand for it with your child.

Dear Lord! So now eating crisps and frozen food is 'abuse.'

Imagine being privileged enough that you think frozen food is akin to abuse.

How does your DH feel about healthy eating for your Ds?

I think I would:
Make lots of healthy dinners that everyone likes. You can make healthy home made burgers with good bread and home made wedges.
Have Ds eat with you all as a family when you have those dinners
Eat with Ds rather than have him eat alone and then him see everyone else eat together later

I am assuming the frozen food is nuggets / chips / frozen pizzas/ Greggs frozen pasties from Iceland rather than frozen salmon or cod, frozen spinach etc?

I agree with this. Imo you are not being unreasonable. I feel quite strongly about proper nutrition for children given the effects on health, weight, and teeth, so would not put up with this at all. But people are different, so it depends how strongly you feel about it.

@Mariposista I'm all for being healthy but unless the husband is feeding the son cakes by the plateful for dinner because that's what he does, it just seemed a bit mad to me.

Never assume anything in this place!!

You’re not unreasonable. Constantly bringing home takeaways and MacDonald’s and eating it in front of him is ridiculous. So is giving him so much junk that he sits around crying for more and refuses food that he used to like. That sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic to be honest.

Personally I’d bin the husband and get my son back on track, but you can certainly try asking them to eat their takeaways and snack food elsewhere.

My diet was similar growing up.
I’m not sure if it was abuse but it was at the very least negligence.
I had never tried fruit or veg and never had a home cooked meal or even a sandwich.

I will feed my child frozen food but I don’t think some posters are understanding that being fed only junk food as a child is not only bad in itself but it’s also a sign of what the other aspects of parenting was like.

As an adult I really struggle with cooking as it’s something I have to really think about as it’s just not something I know about, so I have a lot of understanding of what your DH is going through.

But what’s frustrating is for the past few years he’s been in a relationship with you who does cook homemade meals and so although he shouldn’t rely on you to do the cooking all of the time, he should be trying to make an effort and encourage his son to make good choices.

Have you spoke to him about how his son is picking up on his bad habits?

Its concerning that you can leave your shared child alone with him and I’m wondering if you’ve gone too much the other way where you’re being too strict with junk food.

This would annoy me big time. Your DH is leaving the responsibility of your child getting a healthy diet all on you. It’s pure selfishness and laziness.

Responsible adults often have a treat for themselves once kids are gone to bed. Your child will continue their eating habits into adulthood so it’s important good habits are established now.

Even at a normal weight constant junk food can cause issues in other ways such as stomach issues and lack of energy etc.

Would love to hear the DH take on this though...

This. Fucking ridiculous and in incredibly poor taste when there are children being actually abused. Keeping kids fed and healthy, frozen food or not - isn't child abuse for crying out loud. One of the worst things I've ever read on here.

No, you can't stop your husband and step son eating in their own home.

I think it's insane to start a family with someone who's parenting you are so against.

I wouldn't want my children having that diet either, it would have been enough to end the relationship early on.

Why are still giving your son rubbish when you've asked them not to? They need to stop and they need to be the bad guys.

At 4, your DS is just about old enough to understand how unhealthy food can affect a person - maybe find some children's youtube videos about sweets and fat etc.

I think the time to tackle the processed food for DH and DSS was 10 years ago and that ship has probably sailed.

An example of what they all eat during the day

Breakfast: DP - toast with nutella or biscuits SS- cereal like coco pops, cookie crisp etc with extra sugar DS - porridge, weetabix or toast with jam

Lunch: DP - He buys it when he's working so I'm not sure but when he's home he eats Iceland pasties, supernoodles or a readymeal and he always has a packet of crisps SS - again he buys when at school and will at college and is sometimes out but when I see him he's usually eating McDonald's, the tins of baked beans and sasages or a rustlers burger DS - he would eat at nursery and will eat school lunch, when home he eats sandwiches, pasta, jacket potato etc

Dinner: DP - Frozen burgers, pizza, pasties, ready meals etc or a takeaway SS is very similar and DS usually has whatever I'm making, ie spaghetti bolognese, lasagna, pastabake, a chilli and a lot more variety. He does have frozen food very occasionally so I'm not totally against it.

DP and SS snack a lot during the day. I do let DS have ice cream or chocolate as a dessert but he also eats yogurts, fruits etc too so it's not everyday.

DS has now started refusing the fruit and the meals I'm making so it isn't a case of him just eating unhealthy with his dad and brother but still eating what I'm giving him.

Nope not unreasonable at all! Of course the youngest will want the frozen food/Crisps if his dad and brother are having them! You are 100% correct asking them not to eat it in front of him

"he was basically abused as a child by this diet" okay let's not get carried away ffs

Who does the grocery shopping?

Who buys the Nutella,coco pops...

What is the reason that they don’t just eat the meal that you make?

Surely it would be easier for him.

I asked op what her meals were but didn't get an answer..

I don't think your diet sounds amazingly healthy either tbh. I was expecting loads of vegetables/veggie options. So I still think you're being massively U about this (and not least because you chose to have a child with somebody whose diet you can't tolerate).

Op your meals sound very heavy and carb laden!

Those are of course just examples, I like to make a variety of different meals but DS refuses to eat his veg so it's difficult to know what to make as it goes to waste. I did used to make a roast but again DS started refusing to eat it.

SS does eat what I make occasionally if it's something he likes but DP never does.

A lot of frozen is ultra processed (not the frozen veg obviously).

You're not unreasonable OP. I would not let my kid eat your DP diet. What you feed him sounds good for a child.