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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about wedding snub?

36 replies

Anon123321123 · 05/09/2023 11:25

I got married 4 months ago and had one best friend as my bridesmaid. My husband and I paid for her dress, flowers, hair and make up and her fiancé came to the whole day of the wedding.

She told me last month that due to her fiancé wanting to invite a lot of his extended family to their wedding, she is thinking of not inviting any of our very close group of 4 friends' partners to the wedding, including my husband. She is godmother to one friend's son and was a bridesmaid at another one's wedding too. Her fiancé's friends will all have their partners present on the day.

AIBU for being hurt by this, so soon after my husband and I had her as such a big part of our day, along with her fiancé?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 05/09/2023 11:27

I don’t think you should see this about you, it’s clearly a cry for help given that her husband to be is basically controlling her in to having a very small group of invitees while he has a huge list

Id check if she’s ok, not be pissed off at her. It isn’t about you

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 11:32

Weddings are expensive, you chose to have a big wedding with lots of extra costs like a fancy bridesmaid dress that you choose, bridesmaid hair and makeup etc, she is choosing differently.

PuttingDownRoots · 05/09/2023 11:33

Is her husbands family paying for the wedding by any chance?

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 05/09/2023 11:33

So you still get an invite, but your partners don't - and yet his friends' partners do? And her friends are being sacrificed in favour of his invitations?

Well, somethings not right.

If my friend said this to me I'd be very worried unless she has form for being funny.

So yes, YABU to be upset and not concerned!

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 11:34

Have you asked her how she feels about not having partners of very close friends while husband has extended family?

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/09/2023 11:34

ShirleyPhallus · 05/09/2023 11:27

I don’t think you should see this about you, it’s clearly a cry for help given that her husband to be is basically controlling her in to having a very small group of invitees while he has a huge list

Id check if she’s ok, not be pissed off at her. It isn’t about you

This. I'd be less worried about it being a snub and more worried about the man she's marrying. This doesn't sound like a good situation for her at all.

Original poster
Anon123321123 · 05/09/2023 12:02

I'm glad you said this @ShirleyPhallus as this is what has been in the back of my mind. She has a large immediate family and from a few comments I think her fiancé has made it clear he wants at least as many guests from his side as hers, even if this means his distant cousins and partners come instead of her close friends' husbands.

He's had form in the past of putting down some of my friends' partners based on their jobs, so I think you could be right that this is on him.

Hopefully she doesn't regret her choice!

OP posts:
FloweryName · 05/09/2023 12:04

Yeah I’d be pissed off at that because it’s not like they’re having a tiny wedding. YABU to think the fact that you paid for your own bridesmaid dress is in any way relevant though.

Mumof2teens79 · 05/09/2023 12:10

It's tricky isn't it.
I think you have to strike a balance between just splitting the numbers 50:50 and having equity over which type of friends family are invited.

Personally OH didn't mind that I had more people than he did at the ceremony. But I argued with my mum about my friends being invited before extended family. My cousins were invited because we are closer than OH and his cousins, but their partners weren't (early 20s, not living together)

Booklover23 · 05/09/2023 12:14

To be fair - I’d say of numbers are limited then family does trump friends partners. “Extended family - means cousins, aunts and uncles - who to be honest in my family would be more important than my mates partner.

of course ideally you’d have both - and it depends on how close they are etc.

RoadLess · 05/09/2023 12:17

I agree with @ShirleyPhallus, but I also think you can’t expect weddings to operate on a quid pro quo basis in general, either.

Valid8me · 05/09/2023 12:42

I'm glad you said this @ShirleyPhallus as this is what has been in the back of my mind. She has a large immediate family and from a few comments I think her fiancé has made it clear he wants at least as many guests from his side as hers, even if this means his distant cousins and partners come instead of her close friends' husbands.

I can see his point to be honest. You should both be able to invite equal numbers to your wedding and if he wants his distant cousins and partners to come rather out of his allocation, than his bride-to-be's mate's partners then that is fine.

Valid8me · 05/09/2023 12:43

out of his allocation, rather than his bride-to-be's....

WhateverMate · 05/09/2023 12:53

I wouldn't take it personally.

Everyone plans weddings differently, you can't expect everyone to do the same as the couple who married before them.

Hooplahooping · 05/09/2023 13:03

Gosh, my my family is much bigger than my husbands and when I mentioned this it hadn’t occurred to him that there should be an equal number from each ‘side’ - we made the list together to include all the people that we wanted to celebrate with us. If you look at it coldly - I had more guests than him. But it was our wedding not a competition 🤯🤷🏼‍♀️

Zanatdy · 05/09/2023 13:08

Why does her fiancé get to invite his friends partners and hers are the ones excluded. Especially when she’s godparent to one child, to exclude the father is poor. Yes weddings are expensive but is this the way her marriage will be going, her friends excluded in favour of husbands?

PinkRoses1245 · 05/09/2023 13:13

As others said, it’s more concerning that he’s pushing to invite loads of guests at the expense of the brides. I’d have an honest chat with the bride about it.

Original poster
Anon123321123 · 05/09/2023 13:16

Zanatdy · 05/09/2023 13:08

Why does her fiancé get to invite his friends partners and hers are the ones excluded. Especially when she’s godparent to one child, to exclude the father is poor. Yes weddings are expensive but is this the way her marriage will be going, her friends excluded in favour of husbands?

I think this is the root of why I'm a bit upset, especially as she has spent a lot of time with my partner and I particularly over the past year and have always got on well.

The godchild is included with his dad in being off the list!

OP posts:
sockarefootwear · 05/09/2023 13:17

Unless your friend has done something else to offend you I wouldn't take this personally. It sounds to me like there's some pressure from somewhere to prioritise the groom's friends and family. It may well be that she feels close enough to you that she can ask your friendship group to come along without their partners without falling out over it. By mentioning to you that she's 'thinking about' doing this she's probably trying to sound you out. It does beg the question of why the groom's friends are not being asked to come without their partners instead/as well though. This would make me worry about how equal their relationship it.

I can sympathise with the couple- trying to negotiate wedding invitations when one person has a large family can be a nightmare. My extended family is very large whereas DH family is smaller. My parents offered to pay towards the catering at my wedding but seemed to think that this gave them the final say on the guest list. My mum's argument was that close (genetically) family should be priority so friends should only be invited if all siblings and their children, aunts/uncles and their children/grandchildren, and grandparents/great aunts/uncles were invited first.- all with their partners if applicable This would have meant over 100 guests on my side (some of whom I would not be able to pick out of a line-up) and 5 on DH side. She is still convinced that we were utterly unreasonable for not doing this and refers to it as 'that silliness about [DH name] friends'.

AffableApple · 05/09/2023 13:24

You paying for her dress, flower, hair, and make-up was for you. She was your bridesmaid and you wanted her to look how she did in the photographs. You having the kind of wedding you had and inviting her partner was your choice. Likewise her wedding type choice is hers, as is her guestlist. It's not about you, it's about the numbers they have. It's up to you if you choose to go or not. (I think she'll come to regret her choices, but that's my opinion.)

ChatBFP · 05/09/2023 13:26

Yes, I might gently probe whether she is happy with it, but I would keep in mind that she might need a friend down the line

blueboatsgreensea · 05/09/2023 14:01

I personally wouldn't be bothered if my husband had more people from his side coming to the wedding.
I do know that some people however often see "fairness" in a quite simplistic way, and like to make sure that every single occasion, big or small, is split down the middle. They believe this is how things remain fair rather than looking at the bigger picture whereby on a specific occasion/item etc, things can be unequal, but still be balanced out over time.
My opinion would be this. There is probably a balancing act going on within the couple between how upset he feels by not getting 50% of the guests, and how upset the bride to be feels by the fact that his insistence on this type of "fairness", ie means she is unable to invite more people.

Marriage is all about compromise, so you'll just have to see how things pan out for them.

Brefugee · 05/09/2023 14:04

yanbu to be miffed
the couple are being a bit u if they are not evenly dividing the invitations between them (regardless of who is paying)

it isn't a summons. If you don't want to go without your husband, decline the invitation.
Do you suspect he's controlling? can you talk to her about this kind of thing? can you get her to see the relationship is abusive if he is controlling? Do you want to?

Original poster
Anon123321123 · 05/09/2023 14:27

Brefugee · 05/09/2023 14:04

yanbu to be miffed
the couple are being a bit u if they are not evenly dividing the invitations between them (regardless of who is paying)

it isn't a summons. If you don't want to go without your husband, decline the invitation.
Do you suspect he's controlling? can you talk to her about this kind of thing? can you get her to see the relationship is abusive if he is controlling? Do you want to?

Oh I'd never consider not going, we've been friends since early primary school so not worth damaging a 25 year relationship for! Especially as others have suggested this could be coming more from him.

I'll see her 1:1 for coffee and see if she needs to talk anything through 😊 weddings can be stressful!

OP posts:
wasahoarder · 05/09/2023 14:30

FloweryName · 05/09/2023 12:04

Yeah I’d be pissed off at that because it’s not like they’re having a tiny wedding. YABU to think the fact that you paid for your own bridesmaid dress is in any way relevant though.

Or the flowers. Bloody hell of course you should pay for your bridesmaids flowers !
I'd be upset but ultimately I'd be concerned for her. Though if they're having, say 100 people and he wants 50/50 then maybe she should think twice about inviting distant cousins etc so she can use her own numbers for your partners? Or maybe cull the kids (contentious issue in itself 😉)