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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not take a present?

37 replies

Whatshallichangemyusernameto · 05/09/2023 06:52

Hard hat donned… here goes!
A very good friend of mine who I’ve know for about 25 years is getting married in a few weeks and had a get-together at their house so wedding guests could meet each other - a lovely idea as there will only be about 20 people at the wedding. She prepared a buffet for us all. They have been living in the house for years but recently (a year or so ago) bought it off their landlord and have done it up so wanted to show it off. I would too - it’s beautiful!

They've been engaged for about eight years but have been unable to get married as they were brought up in different religions and cultures and it took a very long time for their families to accept their relationship, so it wasn’t an engagement party. The day before, I messaged the bride asking if there was anything she wanted me to bring. She thanked me but declined. I’m not sure this is relevant but I grew up in a different culture to both my friend and her fiancé and I’m used to people accepting an offer like this and suggesting I bring a plate of something for the buffet (politely, of course).

Anyway, during the party, I was chatting to my friend and she spotted a bottle bag in the corner and said, “Oh, somebody has left a present there. Most people gave them to me on the way in. Hmmmm.” I just shrugged it off and we carried on chatting. Last night, she messaged me with:
‘Hey, just going through the presents finally lol, there's a gift bottle of prosecco that hasn't got a card or label. Is that from you guys? Trying to track down the owner!’
Read: ‘Where is my present?!’

I didn’t take a present as I bought her one when she got engaged and was planning to put money in their wedding card as per their request. I also didn’t see it as a house-warming as I bought them a ‘new home’ card and gift when they moved in, not when they bought it recently. I also didn’t want to take a generic wine or prosecco gift as neither of them drink alcohol.

WIBU to not take a present to the party, just to give money as a wedding gift in a few weeks?

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 05/09/2023 06:56

YANBU: it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to take a present. And weird someone else got them Prosecco if they don’t drink

Raindancer411 · 05/09/2023 06:56

In that circumstance I cannot see why a present would be needed. It was just a meeting of people. It feels grabby. You asked what to being as well, and was told nothing.

Teentrauma · 05/09/2023 06:58

In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't have either. Also, it seems daft to give alcohol to people who don't drink!

WimpoleHat · 05/09/2023 07:01

I don’t think it was a “present required” situation - but I’d have taken a bottle of wine or something (as I would to a dinner party). Sounds like that’s what others did as well. She was a bit OTT to comment about it afterwards, though - perfectly normal just to leave a bottle of wine on a table as a contribution in that scenario (rather than as a specific, named “gift”).

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:02

YANBU. She sounds very grabby and cheap, for the sake of a bottle of plonk.

I would message back ‘Hi, lovely party, thanks for having me. That wasn’t from me. Did everyone bring a bottle? I feel bad now. I know you guys don’t drink so I didn’t bring one! I will have a lovely wedding gift for you xx’

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/09/2023 07:02

I'm with you, for this get together I would have offended to bring something only.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 05/09/2023 07:03

Surely it’s usual to take a small gift for the host?

HoppingPavlova · 05/09/2023 07:04

Agree, sounds like a checker fucker alert. There was no event that required the giving g of a gift and they did not want a contribution to the buffet. So it would be normal to just turn up.

I couldn’t help myself, I’d reply ‘oh, no, can’t believe people brought you guys alcohol, can definitely understand why you would be confused and upset, maybe some people didn’t understand it wouldn’t be an appropriate addition to the buffet.’. Job done.

Banrion · 05/09/2023 07:06

Isn't it normal to bring a gift to a party? She's hosting a party, you accepted and attended so you bring a gift?

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 05/09/2023 07:08

It sounds like she just wants to make sure she says thank you to the person who brought the prosecco, I wouldn't have taken it as a dig I would have just said "no sorry that wasn't from us, I didn't think to bring something."

I don't understand how other posters are saying the host was cheeky.

Aprilx · 05/09/2023 07:10

It is normal to bring a gift to the host of a party. No need for her to go on about it though, but yes I think you missed the etiquette.

Justleaveitblankthen · 05/09/2023 07:11

Apparently the etiquette is to take chocolates or flowers if the host doesn't drink.
I learned this from the Etiquette guy on last week's Loose Women 🤭

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:12

Whilst I agree for a normal party I would have taken some chocolates or flowers, the couple received engagement presents and will also get wedding gifts.

I think it’s a bit cheeky to expect a gift for every function of your wedding.

I’m Asian, we have 3 day weddings. I wouldn’t expect a gift every day! Just a gift on the actual wedding day.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 05/09/2023 07:12

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:02

YANBU. She sounds very grabby and cheap, for the sake of a bottle of plonk.

I would message back ‘Hi, lovely party, thanks for having me. That wasn’t from me. Did everyone bring a bottle? I feel bad now. I know you guys don’t drink so I didn’t bring one! I will have a lovely wedding gift for you xx’

Don't send that message - "I will have a lovely present for you"?! That just sounds like desperate sucking up to her.

I wouldn't go empty handed to someone's home in the circumstances you described - I'd have taken flowers or chocolates as they don't drink, but there's no rule that says you have to.

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:14

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 05/09/2023 07:12

Don't send that message - "I will have a lovely present for you"?! That just sounds like desperate sucking up to her.

I wouldn't go empty handed to someone's home in the circumstances you described - I'd have taken flowers or chocolates as they don't drink, but there's no rule that says you have to.

Show quote history

It’s the couple who sound desperate for a present.

Heading her off by saying she will get a wedding present is a way to close this off quickly.

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 07:15

I epuld have taken something to drink. That's the normal. But not a present

Smartiepants79 · 05/09/2023 07:15

I wouldn’t have interpreted that message as : where’s my present.
After we got married I sat down and opened our gifts, I made a note of who had given us what so that I could write to them all and thank them. We had two gifts with no labels on and maybe three or four friends who didn’t seem to have given a present. I sent them all the same message in an attempts to track down who had sent them.
I was not being grabby or demanding gifts from those who had chosen not to but I needed to know what was what or someone was going to think we were rude for not saying thank you!
I would not have taken alcohol to the home of people who don’t drink. It is perhaps nice to take some chocolates or flowers for a host at a dinner party but I would never think twice about a friend who hadn’t bought me anything!

TomWambsgansSwans · 05/09/2023 07:17

I seem to have read it differently to everyone else but I saw it as that she wanted to thank you if you had bought her a bottle. Surely if they are only having 20 people to their wedding then for most of the guests this party will be in lieu of a wedding reception?

Given that you've been friends for 25 years I wouldn't brush it under the carpet, I'd go back and say 'Not from us! Roll on the wedding, can't wait to celebrate with you.' Not everyone will have bought them an engagement present etc and I'm sure she'd let you off if you're otherwise generous.

IfYouDontAsk · 05/09/2023 07:17

I would normally have taken flowers or chocolates for the party host, however you offered to bring a plate with you so I don’t think anyone could accuse you of being rude.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume her message was “where’s my gift?” Why not take it as face value, that she’s trying to figure out who brought the bottle so she can thank them?

Poivresel · 05/09/2023 07:17

I would have taken flowers.
However I wouldn't be offended if a guest didn't bring me a gift when invited to a gathering.
I would just say
No, it wasn't from me. Thank you for the party it was lovely.

FinnRussell · 05/09/2023 07:18

I would reply, ' no, not from me! Know you don't drink alcohol!'

I would have taken something - chocolates or flowers but it's done now and you did offer a contribution to the buffet.

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:18

Smartiepants79 · 05/09/2023 07:15

I wouldn’t have interpreted that message as : where’s my present.
After we got married I sat down and opened our gifts, I made a note of who had given us what so that I could write to them all and thank them. We had two gifts with no labels on and maybe three or four friends who didn’t seem to have given a present. I sent them all the same message in an attempts to track down who had sent them.
I was not being grabby or demanding gifts from those who had chosen not to but I needed to know what was what or someone was going to think we were rude for not saying thank you!
I would not have taken alcohol to the home of people who don’t drink. It is perhaps nice to take some chocolates or flowers for a host at a dinner party but I would never think twice about a friend who hadn’t bought me anything!

But when coupled with friend’s comment on the night (“Oh, somebody has left a present there. Most people gave them to me on the way in. Hmmmm.”) it does sound like they were expecting a present.

And they probably expected more than a bottle. So far from OP they have had/ are getting:

Engagement present
Housewarming present
Wedding gift

These people are expecting gifts at every turn!

Aworldofwonder · 05/09/2023 07:20

I am baffled by this assumption the host was making a dig. I've quite likely sent similar after parties when I'm trying to thank people for their gifts and there is inevitably at least one present with no name on it. There is no subtext of "where's your gift" with it, I never expect gifts.

Auntieobem · 05/09/2023 07:21

It's normal to bring a bottle of something or a small present to a party/ get together etc. You shouldn't turn up somewhere with your arms the same length!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/09/2023 07:22

I’d just reply with a no and then move on from the presents, something like:

“Hi, no, wouldn’t be from us as we know you don’t drink so I guess the mystery continues. Thanks for hosting us yesterday, was lovely to meet your other guests, can’t believe it’s only a few weeks till the big day now!”

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