Dd constantly coming home in the early hours of the morning and making a racket- aibu to be annoyed?

[ProfessionallyIrritated]

Dd who is 21 and who lives with me (single parent) has developed a habit of coming home at 1, 2 or even 3am on a regular basis. I think she just hangs out with her friends or her boyfriend, at either the pub or just at one of their houses, sometimes drinking but not always. She’s always done it to an extent, but recently it’s been increasing to almost every other day.

Wouldn’t have an issue with her staying up that late, she has a job where she works late shifts (3-11) and will often go out after work, or even just on her days off and be out until the early hours. She doesn’t have to get up early, usually rolls out of bed around midday, so whilst it’s not my cup of tea, the lateness in itself isn’t a big issue.

However, she doesn’t seem to have a volume button! She clatters around the house loudly, making pasta at 3am some nights, or turns the lights on downstairs, and always wakes me up by thudding around. One time l woke up to her playing music on her phone in the kitchen whilst she was making a sandwich at fucking half past 2 in the morning!

I used to be mildly annoyed when she would do this when she was younger but now that it’s multiple times a week that she’s waking me up, even when she doesn’t mean to, it’s really starting to piss me off. I have to start work at 7am most mornings, and getting my sleep disrupted is making me tired and cranky in the morning. At the weekends when I’m not working, I end up tiptoeing around the house until at least midday in case I wake her up and she gets annoyed at me.

Ive mentioned it to her before, when I got woken up to her music in the kitchen, that she needs to come in quietly and tbf she hasn’t done the music thing since but she still wakes me up multiple times a week without fail.

(Can’t close my bedroom door completely as we have a dog and he needs to be able to come in and out of my room otherwise he will bark at the door and definitely wake me up, so I usually have it pushed to so that he can open it with his paw.)

I’ve brought it up to her a few times now and nothing is changing, and I’m getting really pissed off with her, so AIBU to suggest the following:

1. She needs to learn how to be quiet!
2. If she wants to stay up until early hours of the morning, and can’t figure out a way to be quiet, she needs to sleep at her friends/boyfriend’s house instead of coming back and making a racket
3. Failing that, if she can’t do either of those things, she can look for a new place to live (I know it’s not easy to find anywhere at the moment, and she’s on minimum wage, so I really don’t want to kick her out, but at the same time she’s really pissing me off and it’s affecting my mood and quality of life to be constantly sleep deprived because of her and she just doesn’t seem to care! She talks the talk of being sorry but she doesn’t actually do anything to change it.

(Definitely not posting this because DD just came home 10 minutes ago and is now making a racket in the kitchen, banging plates and bowls and flicking lights on and off…)

I will be talking to her tomorrow when I’m feeling more reasonable because right now I feel like losing my shit at her

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, and if I were in your shoes I'd start making a lot more noise myself on weekend mornings. Seriously, I'd be furious about this and would read her the riot act. I think 21 year olds have no idea how much the olds need their sleep to function.

Can you use ear plugs?

I know its annoying but if you have to keep your door open I feel like any level of noise is going to disturb you to some degree. Although obviously DD should be quiet.

I'd be raging at this point. She's an adult, not a child, she can bloody well keep quiet, and her lack of respect for you is shocking for someone her age. I'd be inviting her to find her own place if this nonsense doesn't end immediately.

Are you seriously asking if you’re being unreasonable or are you just venting? If you are seriously asking, I’m concerned.

She's old enough to know better.

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

You don't do noisy things when she is trying to sleep, do you?

"At the weekends when I’m not working, I end up tiptoeing around the house until at least midday in case I wake her up and she gets annoyed at me."

Well you can stop tiptoeing for a start! She doesn't change her behaviour because she does not appreciate how disruptive to your sleep she is being. So demonstrate it to her by behaving as she does. Crash around as she does, play music as she does, make noise as she does. Make her appreciate the consequences of being inconsiderate of other people by subjecting her to what she subjects you to.

And if she gets annoyed, tough. Ride that storm. Stand fast that this is how she treats you, so suck it up, daughter dearest!

As for your 1, 2, 3 suggestions - spot on. She learns to be quiet, she stays over, or she moves out. Not tiptoeing around is part of her learning to be quiet - teaching her just what she sounds like right now.

Put a doggy door on your bedroom door ?

my daughter went through a phase of this. I told her that if she wasn't back by 11pm (or whatever time you want to sleep) then she had to sleep elsewhere. locked the door and went to bed

You know what, I don’t think you would be in the wrong to lose your shit at her. (As long as you are not abusive or violent).

She is being inconsiderate, disrespectful and stomping all over your reasonable and healthy boundaries.

Showing her just how angry you are at her, is a very clear message that she is doing the wrong thing. It might be the wake up call she needs.

So, by all means raise your voice and look like a thundercloud. And make it clear that you are beyond pissed off.

Ultimatum time: your house, your rules.
If she wants to continue living with you and come home late, she needs to do so quietly so that you are not disturbed. Otherwise time to find her own place.

Who on earth has voted that you’re being unreasonable- of course you’re not. She’s being extremely thoughtless…. I’d be fuming as well. Time to put your foot down.

I suspect losing her shit at her then and there, each and every time, is exactly what she needs. Right now she's being oblivious to what she's doing to you, and a nice calm talking-to the next morning doesn't exactly make a graphic point. So fir the next few weeks, whenever she does this, actually go down in your pj's and make a point of throwing an actual scene. Maybe that'll shock her into realization.

You've been way too soft on her already! The first time my DS did this to me would be the last in my house. He's 15 and knows to be quiet after 10pm on pain of death. How have you not read her the riot act already?
She's selfish and thoughtless and these are horrible traits. What does she do that she rolls out of bed at midday? No job? Something has to change. If the person I was living with behaved like this and wouldn't stop I'd be expecting them to live somewhere else TBH, off spring or not.

I'd totally lose my shit. She's being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. And stop tiptoeing round at weekends.

Do everything you've said. Give her one last chance and if she wakes you up again she can find somewhere else to live

I'd have lost my shit lonnnnng ago! Hell hath no fury like a sleep deprived gooseysgirl. She needs to abide by some ground rules regarding noise or get her own place.... her new flatmates wouldn't be long setting her straight!

Don't be quiet when you get up. Maybe then she will understand

Why the hell are you tiptoeing round on weekends, or ANY morning? Get those pans and clang them loud!!

My Brother had a very infuriating habit of phoning and messaging either myself or my poor parents at like 5.30am on weekends with random bits of info or questions that could have clearly waited until much later. (We all needed our phones switched on due to Grandparents who were in ill health and often called for help and so silent mode wasn't an option). We pointed out it was a pain and he said "I'm a parent and always up early with the baby. This is normal day time for me now. I don't see why I should change things for you lot". My poor Mum was sometimes doing emergency dashes to her own parents at 2 or 3am so she was shattered being unnecessarily woken up by him too. I made a point of ringing my brother at midnight or 1am with very loud music playing in the background shouting something random like "What was the film called you were telling me about?". When he complained he was being woken up I politely explained "I'm single with no responsibilities. This is normal day time for me. I'm just living my life as normal. I don't see why I should do differently for you". I only had to do it twice before it sank in.

She can live her 22 year old life however she chooses. But not to your detriment.

You need to give her a dose of her own medicine. No more tip toeing around and more vacuuming and singing.

Thanks all. Had a conversation with her when I got home from work (at 3pm and she had only just woken up!)

She basically said she was sorry for disrupting my sleep but that if she gets in late she’s hungry, and she needs to be able to make food for herself. She said she will “try” and be quieter in the future, and that she will close the kitchen door when she’s making food.

She then made a comment about how it’s not my issue that she works lates, just as it isn’t her issue that I work mornings. I told her that I tiptoe around in the mornings so that I don’t wake her up. Her response to that? “You don’t need to do that. I’m a deep sleeper. Make as much noise as you like”

She says she does want to move out, and that’s been her goal for a while but I’m hoping it comes sooner rather than later!!!! She’s going out again tonight, to her boyfriend’s house, so unless she decides to stay over, I guess I’ll see what she does in the early hours of tomorrow morning🙄

Why don't you tell her what she can and can't do? It's your home

All of this is completely reasonable. I have a 21 year old DS who has ADHD and is like Tigger on a mad one, but he manages (after similar discussions) so I’m sure your DD can.

She can make quiet, non smelly food, like a sandwich or a bowl of cereal. There’s no need to be cooking at 3am - not least because drunk cooking is a fire hazard.

So why didn't you read her the riot act?

If she wants hot food she can get a takeaway and eat out otherwise she has cereal.

She creeps in like a mouse and gets herself to bed quietly or she can stay elsewhere.

And if she wakes you up this time I'd give her a deadline to find somewhere else!

I think she can cook whatever she wants with the TV on low and the door closed, just don't be super loud.

Would prepping and batch cooking in advance help?

If there was something there she could just microwave it would be a lot quicker and quieter?

You have different work timetables, people often do, thinking about solutions is probably the best way forward