Dd constantly coming home in the early hours of the morning and making a racket- aibu to be annoyed?

[ProfessionallyIrritated]

Dd who is 21 and who lives with me (single parent) has developed a habit of coming home at 1, 2 or even 3am on a regular basis. I think she just hangs out with her friends or her boyfriend, at either the pub or just at one of their houses, sometimes drinking but not always. She’s always done it to an extent, but recently it’s been increasing to almost every other day.

Wouldn’t have an issue with her staying up that late, she has a job where she works late shifts (3-11) and will often go out after work, or even just on her days off and be out until the early hours. She doesn’t have to get up early, usually rolls out of bed around midday, so whilst it’s not my cup of tea, the lateness in itself isn’t a big issue.

However, she doesn’t seem to have a volume button! She clatters around the house loudly, making pasta at 3am some nights, or turns the lights on downstairs, and always wakes me up by thudding around. One time l woke up to her playing music on her phone in the kitchen whilst she was making a sandwich at fucking half past 2 in the morning!

I used to be mildly annoyed when she would do this when she was younger but now that it’s multiple times a week that she’s waking me up, even when she doesn’t mean to, it’s really starting to piss me off. I have to start work at 7am most mornings, and getting my sleep disrupted is making me tired and cranky in the morning. At the weekends when I’m not working, I end up tiptoeing around the house until at least midday in case I wake her up and she gets annoyed at me.

Ive mentioned it to her before, when I got woken up to her music in the kitchen, that she needs to come in quietly and tbf she hasn’t done the music thing since but she still wakes me up multiple times a week without fail.

(Can’t close my bedroom door completely as we have a dog and he needs to be able to come in and out of my room otherwise he will bark at the door and definitely wake me up, so I usually have it pushed to so that he can open it with his paw.)

I’ve brought it up to her a few times now and nothing is changing, and I’m getting really pissed off with her, so AIBU to suggest the following:

1. She needs to learn how to be quiet!
2. If she wants to stay up until early hours of the morning, and can’t figure out a way to be quiet, she needs to sleep at her friends/boyfriend’s house instead of coming back and making a racket
3. Failing that, if she can’t do either of those things, she can look for a new place to live (I know it’s not easy to find anywhere at the moment, and she’s on minimum wage, so I really don’t want to kick her out, but at the same time she’s really pissing me off and it’s affecting my mood and quality of life to be constantly sleep deprived because of her and she just doesn’t seem to care! She talks the talk of being sorry but she doesn’t actually do anything to change it.

(Definitely not posting this because DD just came home 10 minutes ago and is now making a racket in the kitchen, banging plates and bowls and flicking lights on and off…)

I will be talking to her tomorrow when I’m feeling more reasonable because right now I feel like losing my shit at her

I know it won't help (sorry) but you need a DD like mine! She doesn't live with us any more but visits every couple of months. Last time she visited I was still awake when she came home... I heard her open the front door but absolutely nothing after that! She used the downstairs loo and was so quiet coming upstairs, she even managed to miss the creaky bit on the landing. I literally have NEVER had to ask her to try to make less noise when she comes home, even when I know she is a bit worse for what. I know - I am really lucky.

I assume you told her you are NOT a deep sleeper, so she DOES need to sneak about?! And that It absolutely IS her issue that she shares (subsidized/free) accommodation with someone who works mornings!!

Make it her issue. If she wants to do exactly as she pleases, with no regard for anyone else, shell need to fund her own place, won’t she?

You're absolutely not being unreasonable! She needs to show some maturity and consideration for others. My 19yo regularly comes home at stupid o'clock; that's his business, but he is scrupulously quiet, in fact he even manages to get himself something to eat and chill downstairs for a bit before going to bed without banging around and disturbing us. If he sees that my bedside light is on he will pop his head round the door to let me know he is home and in one piece, otherwise he sends a text. He went through a phase of being noisy and belligerent on his PlayStation at night, when he was about 15, but he grew up and realised life was nicer for everyone with a bit of give and take.

You don't have to lose your shit, in my experience that tends to backfire with young people, but I would sit her down and have a blunt conversation about ground rules. You're not interfering in her plans or trying to curtail her social life, you just want a bit of consideration.

I have one of those, she has ADHD and doesn't need much sleep, we only sleep well when she goes away. The clattering about I've got used to but cooking at 3am drives me mad.
Back in the day they'd have moved out by now but they're stuck with us as much as we're stuck with them.
Establish ground rules for you both to follow and talk about the consequences of not following them ie living in a bedsit!

@ProfessionallyIrritated tell her to trail herself of of bed a bit early and cook herself something up for coming up so just have to put in mircowave or eat cold, I lived at home to alot later than expected and would never have thought of making noise in the small hour, it was my folks house no matter my age I was a lodger and had to go by there rules.

One of my DC is like this. She is actually making more of an effort, after setting fire to the microwave while drunk, but she's still like a herd of a million elephants. Fortunately she's a student so is pushing off back to university soon. If she were living here full time, I'd be giving her the same list as you're suggesting, OP. And I'd be following through on the 'moving out' thing if she couldn't keep the volume down.

(I don't tiptoe around in the mornings, either. I act exactly as I would if I were on my own or with the other DC who get up at a reasonable time and aren't pyromaniacs).

Finally, that same DC has ADHD (as do I), but that is no excuse to be a knob.

if you are making dinner for yourself make a bit more and keep the leftover for daughter in your fridge.

Could start a trade game.

Every time she wakes you up by being excessively noisy, you wake her up when you get up. Then she’ll quickly learn what she’s doing that causes noise.

her point about it not being her problem you get up early is not valid, unless you split the royal house costs 50/50. Gently pointing that out may help adjust her thinking.

WHO has voted YABU?!
why?!

I was that daughter for a while. Whilst I usually came in clutching a bag of chips I'd very occasionally make a sandwich. Always kept very quiet though. She sounds like she thinks of you more as a flat mate and not a parent. I dread this with my DC!

After your conversation with her today, if she keeps doing this I would ask her to find her own place.

Have you tried white noise? I use rain on YouTube, it works amazingly well.

But agree with not creeping around in the mornings.

If tell her if she wakes me, I'll wake her. After a very reasonable conversation where I laid out why this is having an impact and asking her what she thinks she can do.

And she can make food in the day to microwave when she gets back? She doesn't have to be banging around pots and pans.

It would be a lot quicker and quieter if she batch cooked and heated stuff up when she came home x

Can you just leave her a sandwich out or something that can be microwaved? I wouldn't want anyone cooking at that time of night in case they leave the gas on when drunk or accidentally fall asleep with stove on. it can't be safe.

It’s just selfishness. I had this with a neighbour - lovely girl, similar age to your daughter. She frequently got in at 2am and put very loud music on in her bedroom waking us all up. She banged doors, she shouted, she sung very loudly - so annoying! One night I lost it and banged on the wall telling her to be quiet. I then got up at 7am and banged my front door repeatedly, put loud music on in my bedroom, etc etc. She never did it again.

If she wakes you up, wake her up. And wtf does she need to cook pasta? She eats when she’s out and/or she comes back and has a bowl of cereal or a sandwich.

I got kicked out at 18 for less. You are not being unreasonable. My parents were right to kick me out, I used the place like a hotel!

You should give her a timeline for when she needs to move out, say 3-6 months.

As talking to her hasn't worked I would be hoovering and banging against her door at the weekends at 8am and when she moans, say not nice is it being woken up. See if that works, kicking her out is a bit extreme but you can't go on as you are. Does she pay you rent? If she doesn't maybe time to introduce it.

You’re absolutely in the right!

"She basically said she was sorry for disrupting my sleep but that if she gets in late she’s hungry, and she needs to be able to make food for herself. "

Oh, fuck that shit! She has zero intention of being quiet.

I think I'd now go with another suggestion made here, from now on the door is being locked when you go to bed and she can stay over at her boyfriend's / friend's place.

If she wants to continue living with you, she has to consider your needs and not just her wants.

I used to do the same but I was super quiet.