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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I asked my partner to leave

30 replies

lgrizzly · 04/09/2023 23:11

I've NCed for this.

DS is 21 and finished uni a few months ago. He has a bf and he's been with him for a year, he's 19. I get along with him. He's NC with his family which isn't any of my business and was staying with a friend. DS came back to live here and asked if he can live with us. I agreed and so did DP although he was a little unsure about them sharing a room which was strange as they're both adults.

BF works and DS doesn't as he is struggling with his mental health and attempted suicide not to long ago. BF gives me money for rent but I save it for them both.

We have some house rules and they're usually good with them but occasionally don't follow them. For example, we have a rule about cleaning up after themselves and BF has broken it 3 times. The first time we got back earlier than planned and he was very apologetic, the 2nd time he said he forgot and the 3rd time was tonight. Me and DP went out and when we came back the kitchen was left in a mess which was left from cooking and they hadn't washed up. DP is much more strict than I am and was unhappy, I calmly spoke to them both and BF said it was his fault and DS told me he wanted BF to watch a film with him and told him the mess would be fine.

DP told BF to leave as it was his third ‘strike’ and he didn't care about DS’s excuse for him. DS was upset and told me to not make him leave so I told DP to leave instead.

He's gone to his brothers but will be back as the house isn't just in my name. I've since had messages off of him calling me soft and saying DS is spoilt.

was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

VeniVidiWeeWee · 04/09/2023 23:14

If DP is a co-owner of the house you were completely unreasonable.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/09/2023 23:14

I think you are unreasonable, and I think both boys are very unreasonable as well. They are old enough to know better.

Your partner lives there. He has every right to say that he doesn't want a mess left in his kitchen.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/09/2023 23:20

It sounds all intense and like they’re walking on eggshells around your dp. I’m sure it’s difficult for the bf to deal with your ds and his MH issues.

Stratocumulus · 04/09/2023 23:20

You are certainly being unreasonable.

Your (joint) house, your rules.

Those two young men need to respect that. No ifs/buts/excuses. Life is hard! Welcome to the world of disciplines, respect & consideration guys. Clear your crap up after you.

Original poster

lgrizzly · 04/09/2023 23:35

Both of our names are on the tenancy. I didn't think him telling BF to leave was the right thing to do especially due to DS’s poor mental health.

OP posts:

Zhougzhoug · 04/09/2023 23:41

Is DP your son’s dad? Do you think he’d be the same if your son had a female partner?

Testina · 04/09/2023 23:46

He’s not messaging you saying the boyfriend is messy, he’s messaging you saying your son is spoilt.

And it sounds like he might well be - allowed to move his boyfriend in, seems to he fairly entitled in his attitude to not bothering with the cleaning up. Even telling his boyfriend not to do it - um, why’s it on the boyfriend anyway, not both of them?

I’m getting a vibe that although a bit of mess just sounds like he’s uptight, there’s actually more going on here with your son being spoilt.

Offcom · 04/09/2023 23:48

Does reasonableness matter if your son has tried to take his life and you would do anything for that not to happen again? I hope your partner will understand

Testina · 04/09/2023 23:50

“We have some house rules and they're usually good with them but occasionally don't follow them. For example, we have a rule about cleaning up after themselves and BF has broken it 3 times.”

The way you’ve phrased that sounds like the cleaning is only one example and there are other house rules “occasionally” broken?

Why are you saying that his boyfriend broke they rule? But you also say they didn’t wash up. Is this why your boyfriend thinks your son is spoiled, because you are blaming his boyfriend and not expecting him to clear up? If anything, he’s responsible for the extra guest so should be making sure the rules are followed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2023 23:55

He has every right to come back, he didn’t have to go in the first place. Are you saying you’ve dumped him or did you just have a strop?

He might decide he’s better off out of it. He’s the one probably treading on eggshells, plus dealing with the mess of two other adults, and you choosing the BF over him. Is that what you want?

Starseeking · 04/09/2023 23:55

Your reaction was a bit extreme.

If you've agreed DS and BF need to respect the house rules or they can't live there, it sounds like they had taken you to this point; your DP simply followed through with the agreement.

You didn't follow through though, so it sounds like your DS may be a bit spoilt. In any case, it sounds like there is much more to this than a few dirty plates.

stonedaisy · 04/09/2023 23:57

I dont think you were being unreasonable. Your DP was and super confrontational. Why cause all that over some washing up.
It should have been tidied but your DP took it way too far and risked falling out with DS

Namechange800 · 05/09/2023 00:04

I cannot understand why it was such a big deal for the dishes to wait until after the film if on the whole they do stick to the rules. You and Dp have agreed for them to live with you and they are adults. If they lived by themselves, there would be times when they decided to do the washing up later.

I think the rules sound excessive and to live in a house, where you’re on three strikes is ridiculous - either you let them live with you and live and let live or you ask them to find somewhere else - but they are not children and you can’t treat them like that. Technically DP didn’t have to leave but sounds like he did the sensible thing to let everyone cool down . it does not however sound like he was sensible about the rules, it sounds like he doesn’t really like the living arrangements and he’s just using the rules as an excuse to Le
let everyone know how he really feels.

AutumnalPumpkin · 05/09/2023 00:07

@Namechange800 whilst I'm sure OP and their partner have their reasons for these rules - I can confirm I've experienced this having lived with my partner and his parent (& step parent) for a couple of years. We were not even allowed to eat our meal before washing and clearing up.. let alone a film. It was horrendous

Testina · 05/09/2023 00:11

@AutumnalPumpkin I was a lodger in a house where the landlord would stare pointedly at a finished cup of tea that you’d just finished during a film that you were still watching! So I agree it’s horrendous.

I don’t think OP has given enough detail though to know what’s going on. They certainly weren’t still eating the meal. It’s lovely to think, “sod it” and clear up later… but not in a shared house. It sounds to me like there are other broken rules and it’s only been a few months.

But… without any more detail, who knows?

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2023 00:13

i assume not his df

youre son is taking the piss i still had t clean up at home and had mh problems it doesnt excuse it

CherryMaDeara · 05/09/2023 00:20

YABU. You had no right asking DP to leave.

It also sounds like DP wasn’t happy about the BF moving in.

You seem to make a lot of decisions without DP’s input. I would advise him to leave this mess.

I hope you’re recompensing DP for the money he is losing in rent.

Why do you get to save money for DS when you and DP are both paying the rent?

BeeVer · 05/09/2023 00:28

It doesn’t sound like your DP is happy with the living arrangements, and you’re ultimately going to have to choose between living with him or supporting your son.

I do think the transgressions sound very minor. One instance of forgetting to clean the kitchen,
and two instances of not doing it as quickly as your DP would like (including one instance where you and he were home earlier than expected).

He’s as entitled as you are to set and enforce rules in a property he’s renting but, personally, I don’t think I could live with someone so militant and intense.

Original poster

lgrizzly · 05/09/2023 00:40

We have joint finances. I'm saving the money for when they want to move out, I thought that was a common thing to do.

It isn't up to just BF to clean up but the first 2 occasions he was the only person home. I was happy to let them continue with the film, DP wasn't and even after they’d both cleaned up he still wanted BF to leave. I had no idea about the ‘strikes’. The other rules they haven't followed are them both coming home drunk and waking us all up, the same with them having their TV very loud at night that we can hear.

DP didn't mind BF moving in, he was just unsure about them sharing a room.

OP posts:

UpaladderwatchingTV · 05/09/2023 00:41

What a lot of fuss over a few dirty dishes. It all sounds very dramatic OP! Surely as long as the boys were going to clear up after the film, then there was no need for anyone to leave? Your DP is clearly not happy about a gay relationship taking place under your shared roof, which was made clear by him not wanting them to share a room in the first place. So it seems that now he's looking for an excuse to tell them or at least the BF to leave.

It sounds like having your DS back at home, together with his BF may be driving a bit of a wedge between you and your partner OP. Were you living together before your DS went to uni, or is having him and his partner there something which your DP has no experience of? I think if it's the latter you need to have a good talk with your DP, and see how he really feels about them being there, as it sounds to me like he maybe felt pushed into a corner about them coming to live with you, but perhaps didn't like to say so, because he felt your DS has a more secure relationship with you than he does. Of course I may be totally wrong about this, but if so, then perhaps you could give us a bit more background?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2023 01:06

First up - you telling your DP to leave. Was he aggressive, threatening, intimidating, violent? Doesn't sound like it. Yes, I'm going to say you were unreasonable there. It's a joint tenancy, he has as much right to live there as you do. More right than your son and his boyfriend, in fact.

"I've since had messages off of him calling me soft and saying DS is spoilt."
And he could be right. I don't know if he is right or not, but from your OP, yes, he could be right. All I've got to go on is what you have written. Your son is 21, returned from uni but doesn't work "as he is struggling with his mental health and attempted suicide not to long ago." DS does not appear to be making any financial contribution to the household, only his boyfriend. A house rule is that they should be cleaning up after themselves and you say that "BF has broken it 3 times". Note, you only hold your son's boyfriend responsible for the cleaning up, not your son and his boyfriend jointly. On this last occasion, "DS told me he wanted BF to watch a film with him and told him the mess would be fine" - making your son primarily responsible for the mess.

It seems to me that "he is struggling with his mental health and attempted suicide not to long ago" is at the centre of the issue. It strikes me that you are handling your son with kid gloves because you are afraid of him attempting suicide again. Again, I cannot know the truth, but - how convinced are you of your son's mental health issues and suicide attempt? Because I don't think your partner is convinced, if he is calling him 'spoilt'.

Your son is living rent-free and jobless, with his boyfriend, and does not appear to be held responsible (by you) to follow the house rules. Are you encouraging him to find a job? I'm going to guess at 'no'. And you've just put your own relationship in jeopardy because your son asked you to not make his boyfriend leave.

Like I said, I cannot know if your son is spoilt, if he has mental health issues, if he attempted suicide. But I can see that you are walking on eggshells around your son, to the point where you will not enforce reasonable house rules with him, only with his boyfriend. You are expecting very little of him, and he's not even managing that. Any issues he has are not going to magically resolve themselves by him remaining jobless rent-free at his mum's with both his mum and boyfriend dancing attendance.

I can see why your partner "was a little unsure about them" living with you. And it wasn't about them "sharing a room", it was about the change in the household dynamics from a couple and adult child, to two couples. It shifts the balance. And your deference to what you perceive as your son's needs shifts the balance again.

As with so many situations, communication is required. You and your partner need to sit and talk through what each of you needs. Your son needs to communicate how he plans to address his mental health issues. And if there's a house rule, everyone needs to follow the damned thing! No exceptions.

Poivresel · 05/09/2023 01:21

This was never going to work. Your dp didn’t want the bf there, he probably doesn’t want your ds.
Your dp will always win on house rules because 19 year olds don’t clean up, he’s never going to stick to the rules. You just have to remind him and your ds every time.
Your ds is spoiled too. What does he do all day? If his bf is working and paying board then your ds should be the one cleaning up.
It’s time little Lord Igrizzly grew up.

Scienceadvisory · 05/09/2023 01:28

If you split finances does that mean you partner is essentially subsidising your son and his boyfriend (given you are saving the bf's rent money to give back to him)? If so I can see why he is so pissed off. He has 2 extra adults living in his house, he is having to pay higher bills to cover their food, gas, electric etc, and they won't follow the agreed upon rules. It's very disrespectful to be waking you up during the night by being loud and for leaving a mess around the house. Is there any benefit to your partner here?

momonpurpose · 05/09/2023 05:24

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/09/2023 23:14

I think you are unreasonable, and I think both boys are very unreasonable as well. They are old enough to know better.

Your partner lives there. He has every right to say that he doesn't want a mess left in his kitchen.

Absolutely this. If I were your dp I'd be furious. These are not tweens or children. As you said men. Men should know to clean up after themselves

Weightinggame · 05/09/2023 05:31

If I was your DP, I'd leave you all to it and find a quieter place to live.

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