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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to homeschool DS??

38 replies

NeverendingChaos · 04/09/2023 19:03

DS going into Yr9. Starts back at school on Wednesday. He is insisting on being homeschooled as he hates school and states he can learn more efficiently at home. Wants to homeschool himself, presented me with a timetable and all the resources he’ll use. Has decided on what GCSE’s he’s taking (only 6 so he gets the highest possible grades as he only needs 5 for A levels!) and he’s put them all on his timetable.

I do wonder if he’s on the Autism spectrum (high functioning) as he is super intelligent and prefers to be on his own. Him being as he is, he’s extensively researched it and insists he’s not.

He complains that other DC are annoying and not like him and the teaching is too slow. He has a few friends at school but he refuses to meet up outside of school and won’t do any clubs or activities.

He’s spent the summer at home quite happy in himself, occasionally being dragged out to the leisure centre to do some sports with DH and his older brothers under much protest.

There is no bullying that we were aware of (I’ve asked and asked but he’s always denied) until last night he broke down in tears saying that his friendship group had frozen him out just before the school holidays due to him a silky argument with one of them so he’d blocked them all on WhatsApp and now wouldn’t have anyone to be with at break and lunch when he goes back. We’ve obviously impressed on him that it’ll have been forgotten about by now and he can make new friends (although that will be hard for him). I think there may be more to it though and he’s struggling to fit in with peers in general.

We’ve moved since he was at primary school (had very few friends there as well) and I don’t know any of the parents of the friends he’d made at secondary so don’t know what went on. I was on at him constantly over the summer to arrange to meet up with friends and he’d said he didn’t want to.

He was diagnosed with a serious medical condition last year which I know he’s struggling with psychologically but won’t admit it or agree to therapy. School attendance was 60% last year due to this as condition worsens while at school as he’s obviously under stress (I believed social stress and DS has only now admitted it) so I was constantly having to collect him and he was having days off as feeling ill. Requested meeting with school who said no social issues observed, extremely well regarded by teachers, excellent behaviour etc. He still got 95%+ in end of year assessments.

It was for this reason alone that I considered home schooling but I am worried he won’t reach his potential and will be isolated socially but he insists he will be much happier. Have looked into a fresh start at a new school but all schools in area are full and have waiting lists. Can’t afford private.

He is using medical condition as a argument that he must be homeschooled which I kind of agree with as I think he’s got enough to deal with without school stress but I think it will just be a disaster!

If I deregister him from current school, someone on waiting list will take it and he won’t be able to get into another school.

WIBU to force him back to school?

He is adamant I’m not to speak to school about helping him socially nor will he agree to seeing s therapist.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 04/09/2023 19:12

He's obviously a very intellegent boy but his absolute refusal to engage with the school or councilling is troubling. He could end up very isolated and he's too young to make a life changing decision without even trying.

picturethispatsy · 04/09/2023 19:26

I’ll be accused of being biased (as I am a HE parent and ex teacher) but if I were you I wouldn’t hesitate to allow this.
He sounds like an intelligent boy who has thought it all through carefully and who doesn’t get a huge amount out of school socially or otherwise.
As he says he only needs 4 or 5 GCSEs to go to do A levels and if he’s driven to study himself then that’s half the ‘battle’ for you.

If it was your partner or friend begging you for this what would you say? We’re so conditioned to believe that school is the only path to success in life that we fail to see that there is a life without school. My DC are testament to that (as are many other HE kids I know). They are not socially isolated (at all!) and they are bright, engaged and motivated.

What is your situation in terms of work?

CeciliaMars · 04/09/2023 19:27

I agree with you and would feel the same. Homeschooling is not the same as him teaching himself at home. Are there any small home-schooling groups locally he could join in with?
It sounds to me like he is high-functioning autistic, although I'm no expert. I don't think he gets to insist you don't contact the school...

Autieangel · 04/09/2023 19:29

You can create a home school social group for him. Meet with other home school kids. I would seriously consider it although it's all a bit last minute. Has he only just brought it up?

HairyKitty · 04/09/2023 19:30

I wonder if he would agree to a trial on a give and take basis, you allow him to be home educated, he engages with therapy and attends 2 home educator clubs each week?

Sirzy · 04/09/2023 19:32

Can you ask him to research home Ed groups and agree that he would have to go to at least two a week?

would he agree to go to school until half term and then reassess?

NuffSaidSam · 04/09/2023 19:33

I'd let him give it a try.

He's tried school for nine years and it isn't for him. Surely, you can let him try HE for a year?

Or maybe just a term if you could get the school to agree to it, mention that his medical condition means he may need to miss the Autumn term completely and see how they take it.

OuldWitch · 04/09/2023 19:37

I’d give it a go.
Being isolated in school on top of not fitting in is awful. Being home educated doesn’t mean isolation at all.

If his attendance is as low as 60% it would be a good trial to see if his condition improves with less stress.

He sounds very motivated.

Perhaps it would be worth putting his name down for another school and giving HE a trial in the meantime?

Pliudev · 04/09/2023 19:44

I'd be inclined to ask him to try school until half term. By which time he may feel differently. If he doesn't, or he doesn't agree to it, I would go ahead with HE if you can work that into your timetable. Some years ago, when my SiL decided to HE her 5 I was horrified. They have all turned out to be happy, well adjusted young people. Three of them chose to go back into school/college a few years later but I've been impressed by how well they have all done. School can be an unhappy environment for some and it sounds as if your DS has thought a lot about what he wants. It will be important to arrange some group activities to avoid him being isolated though.

Goldcircle · 04/09/2023 19:44

Let him do it

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2023 19:46

Would he consider online school there are a few good ones around

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 19:46

Compromise: You will allow homeschooling if he will see a therapist.

Flidina · 04/09/2023 19:57

I could have written this about my daughter, minus the health condition. She has really struggled in secondary since the beginning, socially she has been frozen out of friendship groups and bullied, which has resulted in anxiety and depression. She is going into year 10, and I have just this week deregistered her, We have looked at the GCSEs she wants to take, and have come up with a plan to do them, although it will be expensive, as there is no funding for Home Ed. I'm not too worried about the social side of things, as she has many interests and we're looking to join some local Home Ed groups for some activities. My instinct tells me this is right for my daughter and I'm not prepared to watch her in distress over the last 2 years in school.

CrawleyEstate · 04/09/2023 20:05

My son (autism,pda,adhd etc) refused to go to school once he was 7.

It’s been trial and error but he is 100% happier and more successful being home educated. Once he is out of the school stress you may well discover he is actually keen and happy to socialise because he is less stressed out all the time.

My brother wasn’t home educated but school refused a lot and taught himself through A Levels. He went off to a Russel group uni fine.

stbrandonsboat · 04/09/2023 20:13

Have you looked at online schooling? Parents get hung up on the social aspect of school, but in my experience it's way over rated, particularly if they're miserable and don't fit in anyway.

ASimpleLampoon · 04/09/2023 20:13

His social problems may well work themselves out if he does this and is happier as a result.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/09/2023 20:16

If he is a bright button who can teach himself, let him.

DragonCatcher · 04/09/2023 20:21

I'd suggest an agreement that he attends a therapist and school until half term. Then you can discuss with the therapist if HE would be a good choice for him.

Seagullchippy · 04/09/2023 20:22

I'd let him try it, if you can manage it with work etc., but on the condition that he does some sport for health/outdoor time and one or two short social things a week, but things that are not too stressful for him as masking can put a big strain on mental health for autistic people. It sounds like it could be better for his health if he's able to work in his own way and feel listened to. It sounds like he's very responsible and hard working, too.

Humanswarm · 04/09/2023 20:24

I think I have to agree with PPs, if he wishes to home school and he is motivated to learn, then do so.
There is so much pressure on our children to fit societal norms, and to conform to an education system which, let's face it, is not fit for purpose.
I have a DS who is almost 8. He had his first day back today and first day in KS2. I am giving it until half term, before making a full decision on deregistering.That is the deal, I guess that we made, in that we'd try it. I wfh so I can just about make it work. But ultimately his state of mind and happiness is paramount.

DesertIslandHereICome · 04/09/2023 20:36

My youngest son has been home educated since 14, it's worked out really well. In his own words he's never been happier. He sits his exams at a local private college, he is totally responsible for his education, he is more than capable.
School worked for him up until a certain age, he spent 10 yrs in school, he is very confident and articulate. He is applying to go to university very shortly.
In my opinion he has had the best of both worlds and it's been a really positive experience.

Wildhorses2244 · 04/09/2023 20:44

I think that I would sit down and have a really in depth conversation about how school promotes exercise, teaches social skills and supports with learning social communication etc. With a really honest assessment with him of what he’s strong at and what needs more practice across a more holistic spectrum.

I would then give him back his timetable and say that he can home educate if he can work out an alternative way of accessing that sort of learning, not just the gcse learning. As an example, I would accept a weekly team sport with his brother, a home Ed drama class and scout group as a replacement for that sort of learning.

Good luck!

MintJulia · 04/09/2023 20:53

You need to talk to the school. You are the adult here. And the school can't help if they don't know what is happening.

Make a list of all his issues with school and then ask to meet with the head of education, and the head of pastoral care.

Saracen · 05/09/2023 00:17

Your son has made a lot of good points and has clearly given everything careful consideration. What's more, if his medical condition continues to affect his attendance as much as it has been doing, he'll only be able to access 60% of an education at school, whereas if he were home educated he'd be at 100% of his lessons. You say he is still excelling at school despite missing almost half his lessons, so it seems he is either very bright or very hard-working or both. Think how much more he'll learn if he can get a full education.

On the face of it, his proposals make sense.

Could you explain more about your reservations?

babbscrabbs · 05/09/2023 00:29

To be blunt, he's already isolated socially by the sound of it.

So that leaves reaching his potential as your other major concern. Even though he got great marks despite missing half of school...

The thing is, being really unhappy at school will affect his potential as well.

Could you afford a tutor every now and then to assess how he's doing? Or could he earn £ himself to pay for it as part of the deal?

I'm so impressed with the fact he's put together a plan and even a timetable of how it would work. I think for that effort alone I'd look to trial it if possible. It seems really clear it's what he wants. It's HIS life.